BPDFamily.com

So, 1.5 years into no arguments or drama and he is really doing well in his therapy with regards to his BPD.

3 days ago I saw a side I had not seen for over a year where he told me to go screw myself and the day before that he told me to shut up... .this is behaviour that makes me ask him to leave.
I'm not sure what his trigger was. Like I said fine for last year and a bit.

He still is not in work and since being pain free and kicking his addiction to prescription meds I had hoped he would be in full time work one. This is the major thing for me as I have been struggling for 6 years with all the finances.

So we argued and I asked him to leave... .it put him on a real downer like I hadn't seen for over a year. He just asked if we could talk and he has suggested a seperation whereby he moves out and continues to works on his issues and find full time employment... .then we try again at a later date.
I know people do have trial seperations but I do not see in this instance how it could work as we are at the point where he could be working full time but has not even looked for a job and now he wants to up and leave. I feel if he leaves there will be no second time rounds.

He said he will discuss it with therapy on Thursday and we can talk Thursday after I have finished work.

His main reason for wanting a trial seperation is he cannot cope when I ask him to leave and it effects him to the point where he goes to a really bad place.

What he cannot seem to understand is this is the 1st time in a year and a half I have said that to him and that's because of him verging on becoming verbally abusive.

He said... .your going to say it again I know you are. So, I said... .well if you are going to be abusive then yes of course I'm going to ask you to leave... .

Seems he wants it all his way by being able to say what he wants without repercussions.
Saying this I do understand that I shouldn't use the 'leave' thing as a reaction to his words.

Any thoughts

Hi Jester20

Welcome back to bpdfamily. I read your previous posts so I have a little bit of history.

I just want to make sure I have the correct picture. Im getting that you moved between countries 2 years ago and around the same time found out your husband has BPD. He has been in treatment since and everything going well except hes been unemployed and thats adding stress to your relationship. Did I get this right?

Since you found out about your husbands BPD have you received any counseling of your own? Living with a pwBPD can be really stressful. I can only speak for myself but honestly sometimes I respond to my pwBPD in ways that make things worse. That happens a lot when I have not been taking good enough care of myself and I feel spent and tired of all the problems that come with BPD. I learned a lot from this site about how to diffuse situations and how to be empathic to my pwBPD while remaining compassionate to myself. If you stick around there is a lot to learn from this community here, so many people are in similar situations as you and me and we learn from each other here. There are really great articles (we call them the Tools)  on a menu to the right of the board |---> Its a great place to start.


Your words likely hit a trigger for him. It feels very unfair considering all the ugly and hurtful things we sometimes get to hear that our own words can have such a huge impact. BPD is a disorder of the emotions. At the root of it is a deep fear of abandonment and rejection.


Yes. You already know this but try to find a way to get your message across without using that word :) Learn to set boundaries and how to diffuse or drop a topic when you feel that things are getting out of hand.


Pretty much yes. The thing that Ive learned the hard way is that there is no reasoning here, its pointless to think about whats rational or fair. But this is during dysregulation. In a more stable condition I have seen deep empathy and been able to have sometimes very constructive communication. The goal is to have more of those.


Why do you feel there will be no second time rounds? Do you think he wont return or do you feel like you wouldnt want to go on?


Keep us posted on this. Im glad you reached out.

Hi,
Sorry, I am in the middle of a 12 day stretch at work. Yes, I was here previously. He moved to the UK yes, I was already here.
I think I have posted a lot more posts but they do not show. I might have forgot my username and had to re do one I'm not sure. I'm just looking through to find other posts. Then I can let you know the other user name.

Your correct in remembering the situation. He has been doing quite well. I have been reading walking on egg shells.
I do not have my own therapist at the moment as I am waiting for him to find work. I wanted to see a therapist that specialises in BPD as they will have a greater understanding of the troubles I face. I plan to do that once he has found work.

I think part of the issue is he is always here 24/7 so all that crap that happened back in 2012-2015 I feel like I have not had time to process or work through... .I have no time for myself. So, when something is said it is very easy for me to be dragged back to that time, like a huge wound that has been re-opened. It is easy to ask him to leave as we were on the cusp of this before he got off painkillers and started therapy. I need to re-wire my brain.

He has told me he has been a bit anxious as the last year he has been doing the prep therapy group to get him ready to move into the therapy community so he has done 2 hours every week for the last year. Tomorrow he has to do his conference to the whole group and see if they will accept him into the 2 year programme of intense therapy that will be 7 hours of group therapy once a week. He is anxious I understand but he doesn't communicate this to me until an hour ago.

He now doesn't want to do the trial seperation thing. He said apparently it is just this whole group therapy stuff coming together.

Ahhhh, my previous username was hulu. I'm not sure what happened. There are more posts under there. I think I hadn't posted for a while or got worried that my other log in name wouldn't keep me safe. Is this an issue?