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Not allowed to be angry or confident: when I need an anger boundary with people who are violating my boundaries he gets mad at me. Even afterwards im not allowed to be angry. He will get mad at me and take the other persons side or clam up and sulk. When im feeling confident he confuses it with anger or being distant. He feels angry, lonely, sad, confused.
Result: greatly contributed to my existing fear of having confidence, healthy anger and boundaries.

What I can do differently: give myself permission to be angry, confident, and to have boundaries. Validate  myself that it is not ok for people to violate my boundaries and that my anger is an appropriate reaction. Maybe not talk to Him about it? If i do expect a negative and invalidating response.

Not allowed to b busy working when he's home.
Lack of object permanence. Requiring constant reassurance and attention.
Result: Has hurt my ability to be productive and proud of my work. His lack of appreciation for work that i did also made me feel unmotivated to be productive and not proud of my accomplishments.

What I can do differently: work when he's home, validate myself that it's normal and good to work when other family members are around. Work when he's not home and validate myself that im an adult who does a good job caring for her responsibilities. Do work for other people who Will appreciate my efforts and skills. Don't look to him for validation. Maybe not make a report to him at the end of the day detailing my work that day.

By not appreciating my many good qualities, abilities, and ways that i am special, My BPD husband, BPD mother, and npd father invalidated my value. For example J treated me like i wasn't beautiful enough for him but most people find me beautiful. Rather than appreciate my singing J was annoyed and critical 'I don't like when u sing in a low voice, that song isn't your best one' you should do the other song that's your best one'.
Result: lower self esteem and confidence. Always feeling not good enough. Not able to feel proud of myself.

What I can do differently: don't expect him to be capable of validating my value as a person. Challenge him when he makes derogatory comments. Dont ask his opinion of me or what i do. Don't follow unreasonable rules like 'no singing'. Validate my own value and find ways to show my true self to others who are capable of seeing me and my worth.

By being so easily upset by so many things that I say or do the effect was that I thought that everyone else was also that difficult to please and that easy to upset. This contributed to my social anxiety and shame in feeling i was so wrong and different from how I should be.

What I can do differently: expect him to respond with anger in any circumstance, wether logical or not. Recognize that J is different from other people and that they r much less likely to become angry with me. Asume that people aren't angry or check in with them and how they feel about the situation.

Anger arising from things I thought were ok or were even positive caused confusion and a loss of confidence in myself, my choices, and my perception of reality. My expectations of how a person would normally react to something were one thing and I was shocked to find he was angry in that case. For example after having a fun time playing football with friends he is suddenly angry afterwards when I thought he was in a good mood. Or I would put a lot of effort into being loving and supportive when he was bothered by something and his reaction right afterwards or some time soon after was grumpiness with me.

What I can do differently: see that other ppl r different from J and r more predictable in their reactions. Brace myself for J to be upset without a reasonable cause.

When i was depressed and feeling bad he would kick me when I was down, making me feel even worse. When i was happy he would do and say things to make me feel bad again. He said that my happiness made him feel uncomfortable for some reason.

What I can do differently: don't look to J for comfort and compassion. He is no better able to offer  support than a two year old can. He will care only about himself like a baby does.

By not loving me he made me feel unlovable and unlikeable. That the person who knew me better than anyone, and who I worked so hard to please didn't like me, told me I would not be liked by anyone.

What I can do differently: know that J is not capable of loving anyone. Validate my own lovableness and develop relationships with ppl who are capable of giving and receiving love. J doesn't see me and neither did my parents. Their not loving me is not a reflection on my worth.

By not liking my close friends, talking bad about them, resisting spending time with them, and pouting when with them, he contributed to my loneliness and depression as well as my feelings of being worthless because I felt no one liked me or wanted to be my friend. He also would tempt me by implying that they r boring and that we would have more fun just the two of us, then afterwards when we r alone and im excited to have a fun time with him he goes back to treating me badly. He isolated me and treated me badly.

What I can do differently: don't let him isolate me. Disregard his negativity towards my friends recognizing that like a toddler he wants all of my attention and feels threatened and abandoned by my having friends. His lack of object permanency makes him feel that if im having fun with others that i now care for them and not him. Don't fall for his enticements to have together time away from my friends if i have plans with them. Keep making plans with friends.

His demanding and controlling, impatience and unwillingness to be pleased or satisfied kept me on my toes. I was anxious and afraid. Rushing to do everything he wanted and desperate for his approval.

What I can do differently: have boundaries about the areas of my life that I will allow him to have influence on and to what extent. Try to do things for him in a slow mindful state and not in fight or flight mode. Let him know what I'm willing and not willing to do for him. Don't baby him. Let him care for his own choices and responsibilities.

He doesn't like me going into another room while he is home, and especially not to close a door. He often follows me or starts talking to me when I go in another room. He wanted me to always cuddle up to him on the couch and would be angry, hurt, confused, and sad if i sat without touching him.
Result: lacking any personal boundaries made me still feel like the child who was given no choices or personal space. I felt uncomfortable sometimes using the toilet or changing clothes without the option of privacy.

What I can do differently: close the door, go in the other room, leave the house, sit where I want to, have physical intimacy when I want to, ask for space or privacy when I need it.

Those are all great starts to setting personal boundaries. You hit the nail on the head with not making it about his behavior, but about changing your behavior. Great job!

Kailin,

So nice to see your posts!  Keep it up!  I was impressed with how much you were able to brainstorm!  I'm hoping that you'll be able to enjoy some improvements, but don't burden yourself with trying to make progress on all fronts at once.  Of the things you've brainstormed, what are the first ones you want to tackle to generate some successes that will give you a boost?