BPDFamily.com

Man oh man... .

I'm at the tail end of a 5 year relationship with my ex who is undiagnosed but fits all the criteria in the DSM. The Idealization phase lasted roughly three years, partly due to my unwillingness to rush into things and the strong boundries I set. That all changed when she became pregnant. Knowing that I wouldn't leave at that point put her in her comfort zone. Multiple suicide threats, absurd accusations, emotional and physical withdraw, belittleing, etc later I have lost 3 successful companies that I created or co-founded, lost all of my friends, most of my family, was petitioned for court ordered evaluation and locked in a psych ward to defend her fabrications (I pulled a gun on my 5 month old son) while she prepared her application for sole custody of our son. I have given up everything I have worked my ass off for, as well as tons of friends and family to try to find a solution to her unhappiness. I didn't think it was possible to feel the way that I do right now.

Hi MestUp and Welcome!  

I'm so sorry to hear what you've been going through.  It sounds very intense and no doubt extremely difficult to deal with emotionally.  You've come to the right place.  The members here are very supportive and can understand what it is like to experience a BPD relationship.  

When you say you're at the tail end of the r/s, how do things stand between you right now? I'm also a little confused about the following:


Could you elaborate a little on this?  In what way were you defending her fabrications and what were they?  It's late here so I may be mis reading... .

With what you've described I'd imagine it's hard to know where to start, and the best advice I can offer right now is to say that small steps add up, so just take one at a time.  It's very overwhelming looking at all of the impact on your life that you describe and I can relate to this, as will many others here.  I literally would recite to myself 'eat, sleep, breathe' on a regular basis for quite some time... .Getting the basics in place is a good start towards beginning to move things forward and recover.  Learning all you can will also help you to make sense of things and understand what has happened in your relationship.  The site has tons of information in the articles, tools and lessons.  Just check out the right hand side of the board.  :)epending on where you are with the r/s you will find something that fits to help you here.  

Keep reading others' posts and you'll see you're not alone.  A BPD relationship really is like no other and this is a community who recognise this and can empathise.  

Love and light x

 

  

I wrote this explaination of my treatment by my ex in agony. Instead of sending it I'm posting it here:

I want to remind you that everything I say to you is coming from good intentions. You don't get to deny someone forgiveness that they are willing to earn so you can have a permanent resentment you use to justify abusive treatment. You are keeping someone who cares about you trapped in a ___ed up situation over something they did 2 ___ing years ago. You justify behavior that is extremely painful, shatters trust, and makes people hate themselves. You don't allow them to fix things so they stay trapped in a living hell. Then when they snap since they trust you because you supposedly love them yet you treat them the exact opposite of who you pretend to be which makes people literally insane, you use the ___ they say when they snap to play the victim card. Then you tell everyone how much this person hurt you when they finally fired back because of this mind___ environment you have custom built to torture your victims once you've got them to trust you and believe you love them. No wonder you don't want to change. Why would you? Then you wouldn't have a free pass to take out all the pain you've experienced due to your scumbag birth parents which begins before you could talk and before you can remember, but trust me there was trauma. The funny thing about all this is that it's not your fault. There's a very specific reason for all of this behavior and it's early childhood trauma. Core Trauma. Abuse and Neglect. This is not my opinion this is absolute fact. Your mom did a hell of a job preventing a total disaster and you should be very grateful you're not dead or worse. She has borderline traits as well and your biological parents are off the charts being that they abandoned you as an infant and you were born addicted to heroin and meth. You may have experienced additional trauma that has been locked away never to be revisted. That's not always the case but If it is then it needs to be addressed. The current model you are using to cope with the pain or avoidance is totally unstainable unless you're a sociopath because hurting people isn't something healthy people are okay with over long durations. You are going to use every tactic in your arsenal to avoid taking responsibility for hurting people that love and trust you. You will deny doing anything wrong, blame the actual victim, you will call them sensitive when they say that it's hurting them when they are reaching out to you to help them feel secure again, then the ultimate dagger comes when they can barely take any more... .you accuse them of bailing on you. You never accept responsibility for the damage it causes and when somebody loves you and has a high tolerance for pain it can get really ugly for them. If a healthy boundary is set like needing space for a couple days you annihilate it with the suicide threats. Can't let the victim set boundaries then he will be too healthy for me to convince him that his drinking (which is absolutely correlated with a highly traumatizing environment, is what caused him to do all of those things that ultimately gets his trust revoked. Once that's lost then you have a free pass to do whatever the ___ you feel like which shatters the victims trust and sending him further into the abyss. You get to call him anything you'd like to make him feel completely worthless after you tell him how much he hurt you and the resentments just won't go away. You make sure to tell him you love him every now and then so he believes you and wants to show you that he's really sorry and he loves you but this torment will continue for years before he realizes that he was just the entertainment. When you need this person that "loves" you to show up and just tell him he's going to be ok, he doesn't need to kill himself, he is treated instead to pure abandonment, which of course is blamed on him for breaking the trust which was never existent to begin with. Now, most people will make the logical decision that this person isn't worth the bull___ and leave the relationship, however, there are some ideological juggernauts that are willing to put that person's well-being in front of their 3 multimillion dollar companies they built in spite of their "partner's" best efforts to tell you that you will never be successful, you are less than because you want to pursue what makes you happy instead of taking a UPS job like a real man. Patience and trust would have made for a much different outcome.  So my poor victim torture chamber "partner" has been abandoned by pretty much every person that was supposed to cultivate trust, security, and form healthy attachments. I too have been abandoned as a baby and I know what that's like. So rather than eject and abandon the girl I love, I decide that I'm going to do something that nobody else like dad or mom or whatever thought of, and that's show her something totally different. I'm going to ___ing die before I abandon this girl I love so deeply that doesn't tell me the trick about those resentments and how they lose their power if you fix them. So we have level 10 entertainment for the girl who refuses to allow help so that the ___ing sucker that's all-in will walk away from everything he's built while he's trying to fix a rigged situation with no solution. When he's finally ready to give up on life because he believes he is actually worthless, he asks the person that he loves so much he is willing to go to insane lengths to give this person the gift of trust, he is given the final death blow, and is told that he is no longer wanted because he broke the trust becAuse the resentments that have no solution. The person has by that point given up everything to show the woman that they love they are worth it and they will never have to feel abandoned again. The poor ass is then thrown out with bath water when he is told how much it hurt her when he bailed on them (her and my 18mo old son)... .epic level gaslighting. His reward for all of it is abandonment, guilt, blame for making the girl he would literally go the ___ing distance for distant and she goes and does whatever the ___ she wants with impunity while the dude she abandoned takes the blame. Now, after being broken down to the specifics, it's a little difficult to deny that your maladaptive coping skills are potentially devastating. The best part is that I have a ___load of extra time since I chose to participate in the ultimate mind___ing to show someone how much love they deserve. So now, when I get accused of bailing which forced me to shoulder the blame for them doing whatever the ___ they wanted shattering the trust in the person that he loved so much. Now, when the dude that just got the lesson of a ___ing lifetime decides to further defy all levels of logic by still not ___ing leaving, he positions himself for a master counseling session. When you hold on to resentments in order to perpetuate a sick pseudo torture chamber which causes unbearable trauma thAt triggers a response that says drink, you don't have the right to blame him for bailing so you get to break the trust and blame it on him as well. You don't get a free pass to inflict maximum damage level pain because you are hurt by something I did years ago that you keep under lock and key never to be mended. It doesn't work that way. If you think it's ok to accuse me of bailing on you when you won't fix the resentment you use to make me feel worthless and drink to cope, which you use to justify abandoning me and blaming me for you enjoying the single life while I'm in treatment which will become another weapon in your arsenal. Now, if I am willing to endure all of these insanely painful things and still care about you so much that I stay the course and stay committed to staying when everyone else would've ran, you can find the intestinal fortitude to let the ___ing resentment go. And you can question my love as much as you want but I'm going to show you what actual love looks like. So when I say thAt I'm over our relTionship I actually mean it. I will remain a friend for life and will help you make the trek through the abyss that I just made alone if you ever decide to stop running from the pain.

Hi MestUp. Let me echo Harley's welcome. This is indeed a place where we can share our experiences and receive help, compassion and guidance. You're in the right place |iiii

It sounds like there is alot of troubled behaviour going on. Do you have anyone who can support you whilst you go through this difficult time?

You mentioned a firearm in your first post. Do you still have this firearm?

BTW. I think it's a very good idea to post this here, instead of sending it to her. How do you think you might de-escalate this situation?

Thank you for replying.

It sounds like there is alot of troubled behaviour going on. Do you have anyone who can support you whilst you go through this difficult time?
 I just finished 2 months of inpatient treatment and I'm leaning on my mom and brother heavily.
You mentioned a firearm in your first post. Do you still have this firearm
No I do not.

BTW. I think it's a very good idea to post this here, instead of sending it to her. How do you think you might de-escalate this situation? Well, I'm basically dissociating right now I experienced so much emotion. After working on my physical, mental and emotional recovery all day everyday for two months it was surprising how obviously toxic it is. I gained 32lbs during that time also because I wasn't eating or sleeping. I weighed 128 lbs and I'm 5'10
[/quote]

Well done for getting help and for relying on your family. That takes courage!

It also sounds like this has really taken a toll on your life.

What are the next steps for you?