BPDFamily.com

Thank you for reorganizing the boards.

My BPD r/s nightmare has ended for good after 7 + years of recycling. I don’t think I could be much lower. My experience as a recycle/breakup grizzled veteran, friends and family have kept me from going off the deep end.  I am in a hole I don’t know whether or not I can dig out from.

Some positives: As the gf has shown signs of improvement over time, maybe through better meds and some maturity, I gave it one more go and set some very serious boundaries and put come controls into place. This allowed me to end it on my terms at the appropriate time and place. It still hurts.

I got what I wanted except the one thing I wanted the most:  I wanted her to be nice, show some concern for my feelings and well being, and most of all to be real and honest. I wanted a version of her that does not exist, or is impossibly burried under layers of who knows what.

There is no doubt she was trying harder than in the past but I stuck to my guns and showed patience.

It is funny though, that while I had put in place boundaries and systems to stay in control with an excape hatch I broke down and pleaded with her to do the impossible... .”can’t you just once, one time in my life give me a break? Can you just one time be honest? Be real with me? Care about my feelings?... .just once?”

Her caregiver spirit and burried heart made a short suprise appearance, and I think she was trying her best to “fix” it, but I had a couple of questions and got lies and bad acting and I told her to f___ off, told her to remember what I told her this go around... .that I would have zero tolerance for games, disrespect and dihonesty... .them more lies and bad acting from her  and loud FU’s from me.

The last thing she saw of me was me giving her the finger with an FU.

I have never, ever, ever in my life spoken to a woman or man that way. Never, ever. But I think it is what she needed... .to see how I really felt. I am 1000% she has never been dumped in such a way. Also what she needed.

I took away the very expensive phone I was paying for after she slipped up earlier in the evening and I caught a glance at her messenger where there was a conversation between her and the guy she broke up with.

You can imagine taking the phone away caused some drama but I think I was cool. I took her outside to talk and after she pleaded and cried that she wanted to be with told her if that is true let’s read together the conversation she was having with the other guy on messenger.  She agreed... .and blathered on about how she can’t get the guy to stop contacting her. 

So I scrolled through the long text conversation, she grabbed the phone out of my hands and got defensive about being “spied on,” I timed it and grabbed the phone back and saw in the conversation that the guy had spent the night with her recently. She said “nothing happenned” I told her FU!

Almost comically I noticed her asking him for money or to take her some where a few minutes after on days when she first asked me and I refused. I had had enought and was careful not to read too much to protect my feelings and left her apartment area.

She chased me down and demanded I give her the phone back to which I responded with FU’s.  Then got in my vehicle and left.

I delivered on an earlier promise to her of a few weeks ago that if she did not close the book in the thing with the other guy, I would close the book for her and close our book forever.  I reminded her last night that 2 books would be closed.  So there was some instant karma here as I contacted the guy who has been treated worse than me, and explained what was going on.  I don’t think that he will want much to do with her anymore.

Was I wrong to do this? Probably but I told her I would do this before and she dissed me. A man has to have a code, I guess.

So... .yes, I got what I wanted under the circumstances except for the unattainable.   

I got back the expensive phone... .which incidentally my daughter’s phone just went down so now she has a top of the line phone on my phone plan. I wiped the phone of the gf’s crap and changed the number.

I broke off the r/s on my terms and expressed my feelings exactly as they really were.

I closed 2 books... .mine and hers and the other guy and her, in my bro code promise.

I didn’t get what I wanted... .the girl I love, the girl who is burried away in some place of unspeakable pain.  So I get to have some of that pain.

She is in a bad spot, worse than me even. Not to defend her but she was trying better than before and had cut off contacts with guys except for the one I wrote about.  Also she took off a week of work and went to Mexico to see her family, lying to her boss that her Mom was sick. She won’t be able to make rent and was apparently counting on me to help her out... .which wasn’t going to happen anyway.  The other guy will probably not help her. She has no phone and her phoen number of 15 years is kaput.  She lost her atm card in Mexico and left her car and house keys there... .her cousin was supposedly makinng a special trip to deliver them... .that’s why she was checking her phone messages and slipped up in the process.   So I guess she had a worse day than me.

So why do I get the feeling she is bouncing back when I rot in my pain?

Was I too hard or too intolerant this time?

Should I have heard her out like she wanted even though she was lying?

Was there any hope, any chance that I missed?

 

I recognize myself in some of the things you describe. Specially the anger and turning into a person you are not. Cheating is a big betrayal that can cause a lot of anger and lashing out at the person doing it. Thankfully I never experienced cheating but I know she had it in her from her past history.

pwBPDs don't do the things they do to punish or betray you even though, that's what you experienced. Most of their actions operate out of fear. If her fear of possible abandonment or the possibility of being alone was triggered, that would explain why she had a backup plan. PwBPDs tend to sabotage relationships based on their biggest fears perceived as well as real. It's the cause of many dramas and fights. Imagine a person seeing your boundaries as a threat to your affection and you possibly leaving her should you realize the grass is greener on the other side. That's a hard way to live.

Sometimes these relationships can cause even the nicest guys to show abusive behavior after being pushed and broken by the instability of the person they are with. I called my ex names towards the end as well. I became resentful, angry and defensive. A stark contrast to whom I were as a person. pwBPDs don't mean to abuse us or push us away with their behavior but they can leave big marks, that causes less desirable reactions in us. We simply don't have the tools to deal with it, unless we are prepared before going into it.


In order to survive such a complex relationship, you would have to change. The pwBPD can't change. The disorder is deeply embedded in them. The best we can do Is use tools to manage it. We would have to sacrifice a lot of things, that you would never have to in a 'normal' relationship. Putting demands on somebody with this disorder will never work. It's like telling somebody with a disability to not be disabled or only be a little disabled for the sake of the relationship. It just doesn't work.

She may bounce back but her life and dealing with BPD is such a struggle for them in relationships, you stand a better chance of lasting happiness than she ever will. You can learn and grow from this, she can't.

The cheating was something I have not experienced with her before and is a new low. I feel like her improvement under the meds makes her more responsible. I really hate her now. She would frequently ask me if I would cry if died of course my answer was always yes. I don’t think that answer would be yes now. The cheating was the worst thing she could do to me because it is bringing back nightmare feelings to me of my first marriage when I was cheated on.

I realize I have been a total idiot in trying to make this work for so long. I understand the sickness but am not good at handling this and hold her more accountable than before. It is a huge struggle for me to maintain. I feel like my life is almost destroyed because of my choice to be with her. I have important business to conduct and am paralyzed somewhat.

One of my best friends is moving back here later in the week and I am spending time with friends and family. I hope I don’t have a stroke or anything and don’t lose my job or worse.

I don’t have absolute proof that she cheated, but enough there that it has soured me on her forever.  Whenever anybody says they spent the night with and ex-bf but “nothing happenned” I am sorry but I can’t accept that.

She was cheated on and became a cheater herself at a time in her life when she seemed the most “normal.”

I was the other guy until I found out and then thought she ended it.  Then the old guy became the other guy.  What a mess.

Still angry and not happy. Cheating was the worst thing that could happen to me. I gave so many chances but didn’t really expect her to cheat her way out of it. She knew me well and how I don’t react in the best way to something like this.

I guess I found out too much. Still having a hard time. Lashed out at her via email because I can. Did not make me feel much better but wanted to make her more miserable.

Forgiven many times but don’t feel the need to any more.