BPDFamily.com

Hello,

After some research on bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder, I spent hours exploring this site, its lessons/tools and the forum. I've recognized a lot but have not found something like my situation and am hoping to get some help, please.

I have begun to think that the woman I’m seeing might have BPD. We seemed happy for a few weeks, then she started to change her mind about the relationship frequently -- it started to cycle within a week, then days, then hours, now minutes at last occasion. 180 degree turns from "we're just going to be friends" to sex and seeming romance and commitment, and back again. I admit I have helped enable but we've been equal in moving the relationship.

In short, I do love her and I don't want to lose her. Is there some way to best validate her and not manipulate, but show that I do want to pursue a romantic relationship and will be there for her? When I have pointed this out, my not wanting to give up, resisting the push but going along with the pull, she has warmed back up to me... .only to change again without warning. I read the success stories but most of those were much more long-term and involved, with kids, etc., and I'm in the "don't want to stop before it really starts" phase, pretty much.

I hope this makes sense. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you!

Is there a way to edit posts? I should have included the obvious, that my suspicion of BP is unconfirmed/undiagnosed (I trust her honesty about her mental illness and therapy that she's disclosed), and that I know not to "J.A.D.E." but am in the position where I want to possibly use "S.E.T." or ":).E.A.R.M.A.N." in order to try to prevent a true break-up. I am aware that sounds co-dependent as I recognized originally ("caretaker", and that I can only be responsible for myself, not her. BUT... .would still like to continue the relationship. Thanks again.

Hi there. I'm with you. I would have probably posted on "Saving" too, but they may move your post to the "Improving" section. Let's see. :)

I think that it is great that you are getting yourself informed about this stuff. At least that way you can make an informed decision about what you are getting into with this illness, and be careful about how it can affect your depression. I must admit, had I read the warning signs better and seen the future I might have chosen a different path for myself. I don't want my own mental health wrecked in the process, and it takes a lot of work to not let that happen. That said, I do think there is a lot that one person can do to improve a relationship whether the other person even knows if you are doing it or not.

One of the things to let go of now is control. You have no control over whether she leaves or stays.  It can happen suddenly and throw your life entirely off balance. If you can depersonalize that kind of stuff it might hurt a bit less if it happens. Turn that into a positive if you can - the letting go of control of outcomes and other's behaviors. It is actually a huge facet of buddhism if you want to read up more on such things - it offers great tools. I find that it gives me a sense of freedom and peace of mind. If I can't control things outside of myself what is the possible reason to feel bad about that? Let it go. Instant freedom.

So she is aware of the diagnosis? Do I understand you correctly? That seems potentially positive. I have gone against a lot of what is advised here and discussed the potential diagnosis with my partner. He is more open to the idea than many I read about here, and I've managed to make some good steps with putting this out into the open in just the right way for us. I simply had to insist upon bringing this into the narrative of our relationship.  

I try all I can to align us "against" the illness rather than each other. I also try not to run him into the ground with it. He is very susceptible to guilt and shame (not a facet all BPD's share I've noticed in the many stories on here) so I try not to guilt and shame him and set off his extreme emotions. I am lucky in the sense that he recognizes he is "a bit crazy" and not always in control of his emotions. Although highly educated and having a great job he sees himself as very dependent on me for caring for him overall and does not want to lose that, so we are able to work with it for now. I mean, I get him to recognize there is a serious issue here, these reactions are "not normal" and we go from there. How can we make this better and get the most happiness out of life as possible? I want to keep upbeat whenever possible so I take this as a chance to practice kindness. It's free and it makes me feel good.

Also keep in mind this is a spectrum disorder so it can look different - that is one reason it took me so long to figure this all out. My partner does not have all the traits, I think, but he does have serious ones. His fear of abandonment is massive and his black and white thinking is like that eclipse you saw last week. :)

I am so "lucky" compared to many here though because in his white phases he really does not have a bad word to say about me. I see that a lot of people here deal with near constant verbal abuse. On the other hand, I had never experienced any verbal abuse before so it has been devastating for me. It takes me a long, long time to recover from his black phases. I am still recovering from the last major one he had in July that lasted nearly two weeks. I am still nervous and anxious and walking on eggshells, afraid of when the next shoe will drop. But I am also determined to be happy with my life under any circumstance.

I would suggest now, while you have a chance, that you also inform others in your life about what you are getting yourself into here - if that is possible. People in your life might be able to help you if they understand that you are dealing with someone with serious issues. It is great if you can have a support system for this. And if that doesn't work, you have all of us here, okay? We get this, we live it, we are learning about it and we are doing the best we can.

(p.s. Yes you can edit posts, but only for a short/set amount of time after you make them. Click on the word "Modify" in the upper right corner)

@ pearlsw: Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I particularly value you sharing about you and your partner. I am sorry for the verbal abuse, and hope that things improve so that you do not have to feel you are on eggshells. That part about aligning against the illness is very insightful and helpful.

She never said anything about a diagnosis.

I will try to let go, but it's difficult when we are still friends for now.

I have spoken with a couple of friends and they are basically of the "take care of yourself, let her be, and there are other fish in the sea" type responses. Which I can appreciate their perspective but I wish they would see that I do want this, or at least try further for this while I have the chance. I'm not looking for validation or a green light for pursuing this as much as I am advice on how... .

Thanks again! I'm curious if others have experienced similar.

Hi again! :) It might help to check out this link from on the right side of the board: https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

Rereading your post I want to emphasize that you have no control over whether she gets in or stays in the relationship. You just gotta be you and be ready for the dysregulation. Best wishes!