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My BPD husband is in therapy doing trauma work and OT.  He hasn't started DBT yet.  Today and tonight he is saying there is no point, his life is falling apart and he's given up.  He doesn't care about sleeping.  He hasn't eaten all day.  Refuses to eat he says because he's disgusting.  He is very irritable, refusing my support and validation saying I'm quoting textbooks.  He said he'd be safe.  I don't know what to do or say.  Any advice?  :)o I just give him space? I've told him how much I love him and that I'm trusting him that he'll be safe.

My life is falling apart.  I'm a mess.  I'm concerned for my job and I've stopped taking care of myself.  I cry silently because he can't take my tears.  ive started to set boundaries and wonder if he's testing me because we seemed to be ok, but now it's totally spiralling.  Any thoughts?

Hi horselover,

*welcome*,

I'm so you are feeling so worn out. It's difficult being a caretaker. My H has never gone to intensive therapy before, but I've heard others stories that when their pwBPD begins therapy, they sometimes regress, especially if they are working on their past trauma. The old memories and feelings being stirred trigger them into a low place that over time, if they continue therapy, begins to get better.

Just a couple of thoughts. Could you husband feel like therapy has become the centerpoint of your lives to the extent that he may feel more like a project than a person?

My H will frequently reject my validation when he can tell that I am not being sincere. Sometimes I validate to just try to get him to stop complaining or getting upset. He has a way of always being able to pick up on this. Do you think something in your tone, body language, or words could be coming across as inauthentic?

Validation only works well when the intent truly is to be empathetic towards the person we are validating.

Secondly, for today, what can you do for you? Just one thing. Anything to help you feel better about yourself. Go for a walk, put on some makeup, get some new clothes, turn on some music and dance or sing, take a nap, pray, meet friends for coffee. Just something for you. Then tomorrow do something else for you. And the next day and the next day. Everyday try to find one little thing to do just for you.

I totally understand what it's like to have to cry silently. I often find myself stifling back tears while he is falling asleep next to me. The moments I set aside for myself help me so much.

Thank you so much.  I think you are right.  I'm trying to just get through to survive another day that my validation comes across as insincere.  It's so difficult to constantly validate.  I appreciate your advice to focus on one thing for myself each day.  I am going to do that, no matter how small.  Appreciate your caring and understanding response, it was just what I needed.  Thank you.

Could you do a practice run here? We could help you with wording and help you with any tweaks to your approach.