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Hi I am looking for some guidance. My girlfriend wants an open relationship and she has BPD. She is struggling with her drinking addiction and I am not certain why she wants us to be open. She has told me she loves me and wants to spend her life with me but wants us to be open. However when I told I saw someone when I hadn't she got angry at me. What can I do to communicate with her about this and make this work. She is queer and I don't mind her seeing other women sounds bad but it is just my boundary unfortunately. Any suggestions or advice would be really helpful.

Hi GfissuesBPD03,

Welcome

I'm sorry that you are having difficulties in your relationship. Rejection is often something that pwBPD struggle with and the thought of you having a relationship with someone else may have triggered that feeling of rejection.


What made you want to tell her you saw someone else when you didn't?

Do you really want an open relationship or are you just saying that because you don't want to rock the boat? If you are ok with the open relationship, what part do you need help talking about with her? (not trying to sound harsh. Seeking clarification.)

Back in college, my extremely BPD girlfriend always talked about fantasies of me having sex with other people--male and female.  She even asked about who I was attracted to.  I made the big mistake of giving the example of another student who worked as a waitress at a bar that we had seen earlier in the evening.  She flipped out.

Everyone can hold conflicting emotions.  Every person who wants an open relationship can get cold feet once the other person actually has the chance to have sex with someone else.  That being said, BPDs can be a mess of contradiction, with very powerful emotions on both sides of the fence.  She may be really turned on by the idea of you having sex with someone else and then completely flip out.  BPDs can often have very intense, conflicting emotions about anything--"I really want eggs for breakfast--Why did you make eggs?  I hate eggs!  You should know that I hate eggs!  You wouldn't have made eggs if you really loved me!"

On the positive side, at least she is being honest about her own desire to have sex with other people.  As we know, BPDs often cheat while projecting their transgressions onto their partners.  (It might be the case that she has already cheated and is asking for an open marriage after the fact that it is already open--without your knowledge.  That could also explain her reaction--projecting her own cheating on to you.  Again, this might be the case--I can't know.)

Thank you for your response. Basically she has been binge drinking for the 3 weeks she has been abroad and we never really sat down and talked about the open relationship side and set any boundaries. I have said I would try and it see how I felt purely because I have never done this before. She told me on a night when she was drunk and with another guy and going for dinner with him and then hung up on me and carried on her night. I don't know if she slept with him or not. I haven't really asked in the fear that she might do something else. But she told me she had unprotected sex and that it didn't mean anything to her and she didn't get any pleasure out of it either. I went out the following night and I was distraught and ended up being invited to another girls house but I left before I did anything as felt bad when I got there. In my mind I felt like I had cheated on her so this is why I told her i had done something. I know this was wrong because I was very hurt and worried and just let my emotions rule my actions.

Since all of this she has admitted she in crisis and she shouldn't drink but I don't know if she has stopped. Also she keeps telling me she doesn't trust me but loves me. I have apologised and made amends everyday since and keep trying to reassure her and be there when she needs me. But I am starting to feel like she is just using my kindness or am I over thinking this. Because when she doesn't drink she is a completely different person. So I am very confused right now and feel like she went on her holiday to self distructI just don't know. She also doesn't know a lot of things and keeps saying it as well.

If she is having unprotected sex, the very least you MUST do is set a boundary that you will not have unprotected sex with her.  In an ideal world, you could try to establish a boundary that she will no longer have unprotected sex with other people.  The BPD & alcohol combination, however, makes it hard to trust that she would follow through.

Open relationships entail responsibility and regard for both the people in the relationship and those on the outside.  It does not sound like she is capable of meeting these requirements.  (Not only shouldn't she catch something and give it to you, she should not catch something and give it to other people she has sex with.)

She is now being very distant with me and saying she cannot trust me. I like we are on the verge of a breakup or not. Feel like I am in limbo. I ask to spend time with her while she is away but I only get perhaps later and then nothing. She told me she got a sponsor for her drinking but was still drinking. I know that when she doesn't drink she is amazingly calm and works hard on her issues. And I feel like I can trust her fully. We discussed the unprotected sex part and she said she will sort it out before we meet up again and doesn't concern me right now. I didn't push that any further because she admitted it was wrong. I m just confused and worried and don't what to do or say to her to reconnect with her.