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I feel so angry this morning.
I feel angry that he left me. I feel angry that he put me into the role of a mother and then left me because I was too much of a mother.
I feel angry that I can't respond to anyone else's posts right now because I am too wrapped up in my self.
I feel angry that I'm living alone in a 5300 sq ft house plus guest house that I picked out for HIM because he always wanted an estate.
I feel angry that he picked on my dogs.
I feel angry that he hates my son.
I feel angry that my head hurts because I can no longer sleep.
I feel angry that his P has done a 180 on her opinion of his being on his own.
I feel angry that his family won't contact me.
I feel angry that I miss what I don't think I ever had.
I feel angry that I now look back on every loving thing he ever did and question whether he was viciously attacking me immediately afterwards.
I feel angry that I spent so much time and energy on a man who clearly didn't appreciate it.
I feel angry that he has no desire to get better. He is doing exactly what he did when I first met him--focusing on how everyone steals from. Ten years ago it was his father (still is), now it's me and his father.
I feel angry because I never wanted to control money. I never wanted to pay bills that to me are astronomical but go hand in hand with the kind of life we live.
I feel angry. I just feel angry and hopeless and helpless. This is out of my hands, and it's in my best interest to let him initiate any divorce action, but I HATE IT! I effing hate it. Being put in this position sucks.
I hate that he portrays himself as victimized by me, a woman who can't even kill the gophers in her yard, who never spanked her kids, who worked with first generation college kids, who were only step up from ABE.
I hate that he pushes me into a perpetrator, and it is then up to me to step out of that triangle and focus on myself.
And I guess by ranting about angry I am, that is focusing on myself. Amazingly enough, I'm no longer crying, and my headache's gone away.
Leaving here soon to babysit my grandson.
Thank God for this board.
   

   

For some of the things, I would encourage you to remember "at that moment" or "for the moment"

It's not they they never cared about us, it's that they switch "moments" much faster than we do and they seem to not remember prior moments, the same way we do.  No nuance there... dramatic differences.

Be kind to yourself... .do something special for yourself!

FF

Hi FF,
  You have no idea how much I needed to read this about the moments. I had a really good day until about 3:15, and then I was tired, and I just kept looping in my head.
  What I did for myself today was take my year-old grandson to the zoo, bought him sunglasses, which he wouldn't wear. :)
   Tomorrow, I'm having a party--end of summer kind of thing--and it will include as guest of honor one of my sisters. I'm very excited about that.
   Nights and late afternoon are hard for me. Probably because I'm tired.
   But thank you for this. If I don't post tomorrow, I'll post later this week after I see the attorney about ensuring my safety.
     
TMD

I am likely a bit extreme about this because of several sleep disorders.  A few nights ago... according to the CPAP machine, I didn't quite get 4 hours of "good" sleep.  Not surprisingly a $hitty day after that.

Last night, almost 8 hours.  Today I've poured myself into some important writing, with some associated "deep thinking"... .with a clear head.  It's wonderful to be alert.

No grandkids yet... .perhaps in a couple years.  Yep... .if you think about it, most likely I will have grandkids... and a child (or two) under the age of 10.  That's really cool.

If you look at the downside.  I'm parenting a teenagers for 16 more years... .

Yep... .read that a couple times and consider the impact.

 |iiii

FF

I get it TMD.

I too am having a bad couple of days.    Family member with post surgical complications.   Broken plumbing in the bathroom.   Problems with catering for a large event I am hosting next week.

I fondly remember the days before when I could handle a crisis with out being thrown in to a full blown Cptsd emotional flash back.

I have been sitting at the hospital to attend to my family member.    I have been in this hospital a lot.    Memories are playing with me.  Pretty badly.   I'm not angry.  I'm afraid.   That's been my boogie man lately.

Just a little commiseration.

If there's one positive thing that comes out of learning about (and trying to manage) BPD relationships, it's enhanced awareness of our own feelings and the factors that influence them.

You're feeling unhappy. You understand why you might be feeling that, and you recognize that it's caused by temporary factors (being tired, circadian rhythms), and you don't need to act on them.  |iiii

Oh, ducks, I'm so sorry. I've been diagnosed with PTSD, as well, and I've had issues with it recurring for the past few months. H triggers the PTSD.

I don't like feeling afraid. I feel little when I feel afraid, if that makes sense. I feel little and alone. I'm very grateful I have friends I can share the fears with, so I don't feel alone and little. I hope you do, as well.

Commiseration and hugs going out to you across the miles   
TMD

I am also deeply focused on my sleep and keep track of it with an app on the iPhone, and I have not been getting very many nights of good sleep. Heart rate's up as well. 



Ahh, teenagers. You made me laugh, FF. Thankfully, my kids are well past their teenage years. When they were little, I could never imagine their being away from me, and I'd cry at the thought. (Yeah, I didn't really live in the present back then.)

And then they hit 12, and I told one of my sisters: "Ahh, this is God's plan, so you'll make sure they'll move out of the house and start their own lives."

I had one kid telling me I was living vicariously through her because I wanted her to do her homework, and I had another who told me I wouldn't let him grow up because then I'd be alone.

One minute, they'd be screaming at me, the next, they'd be crying. Teenage hormones. Don't miss them at all. :)

TMD

Absolutely, Flourdust. One thing I used to tell my H is that emotions are more like rivers than ponds; they're constantly moving from one to the other. Just need to accept it.

Also, I've been in and out of therapy for nearly 45 years, and if I've learned anything it's acceptance of how I feel. No judgment. Just feel what I'm feeling and move on.

And with my H's latest round, I've also learned that afternoons and nights are bad for me. I find it hard to stay non-reactive when I'm tired or hungry. However, even though I've "reacted" to some of what's been going on, I've not shared that reactivity with H. Shared it here, and shared with friends and my coach. Shared where it was safe.

Thank God for these boards and the people on them. <3

TMD