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I am at my wits ends with my parents.  My mom is uBPD and my dad is a uNarc.  It has been a long time since I posted, partly because I have learned that the best way to deal with them and maintain my mental health and my family's health is to minimize communication/contact and have boundaries. 

Now, I am so frustrated by their utter selfishness and I see it in relationship to my kids.  My father is not going to my kids bday party because he has a weekend golf charity event.  He also couldn't be at a little family dinner for my daughter's bday because he had some bs work dinner.  He also forgot my son's birthday, and wanted to know what month it is in?  It is the same month as his own birthday.  The more concerning thing is he has no remorse.  No I am so sorry, I am really disappointed I can't make it, nothing.  He knows how much it hurts me when he asked me my son's birthday month, yet he has no shame, none.  He also forgot my son's birthday two years ago when he was supposed to come over for dinner when my in-laws were in town and didn't show, which was very embarrassing for my mom.  I am baffled.  However when we went to his birthday lunch on Sunday, he kept talking about how it was his "birthday weekend."  As a gift, I gave him a nice picture of the grandkids in a frame for his office.  He said, "thanks for the frame."  He does interact with the kids here and there, and seems to love the attention that they can bring him or bestow upon him.  But the things that seem so basic to being a grandparent are just not there.  I am sad because I know when my kids are older (they are preschool age now), they will see this and become aware, and it makes me sad for them.  I had invited my uBPD mom to my son's end-of-year little preschool celebration (she has never been to any events at the preschool) and she backed out because the kids were not "performing."  She said it sounded more like an event for the parents.  What grandmother doesn't want to go to at least one preschool event?  I know she is self-conscious about her physical shape, but this just seems so extreme. 

My parents are in their 60's, and make decisions that will affect me down the road, and I see no concern for me or my family.  They have yet to get a will/trust despite repeated reminders, they canceled their landline (what the heck?), they make terrible health decisions which will trickle down to burdening others, etc.  I know that they are miserable and I try to have compassion.  But on some level, especially with my dad, I feel like some of these things are done because he could care less and he doesn't care how much it hurts me.  I think he even gets some twisted pleasure in it.  And it burns me because when he really needed my help and was at his lowest point, I was there for him and my family was there for him. 

I am just so mad, but I feel like if I talk to my dad it'll be like talking to a brick wall, and I can't talk to my mom about it because she will get angry and twist it all around. 

Hi Change2014! 

Welcome back! I certainly can hear the frustrations inside you and the wealth of pain you are walking through. I'm glad that you've identified that you are angry,  |iiii good for you to both recognize and acknowledge that feeling. It is normal and healthy to do so. I hurt for you and our other members are right there too, having gone through similar circumstances.

We want our parents to change and be the parents we always wished we could have, those that would be healthy. We keep trying. Lord knows I sure did, and now that they're gone I still work at the trying, just in a different way such as at my job. Does this make sense?

What would you wish you could do? Since you can't change them, what other options do you feel you have? What choices can you make that will be healthy, and totally free of obligation? Use your imagination and dream.  |iiii I will look forward to hearing your thoughts.

In the meantime, what kind thing will you do for yourself to enjoy today or tomorrow and just enjoy and rest for a few moments?

 
Wools

"Thanks for the frame." That's just sad... .

My T would say,  "they're limited... ."

That's being nice. 

Given that they are limited,  how to explain it to your kids going forward?

Based upon my own experience,  the kids will see them through their own eyes.  Validate that first and foremost.  Unless the kids are targets of abuse, they may not see things like you do.  Actually,  they won't.  My kids never were on the receiving end of,  "you're going through my stuff and stealing from me!" I had to hear that.  They were too young to pick up on the negativity and her depression, among other things.  It sucked to bear the brunt of it,  but I found strength protecting my kids, or at least shielding them. 

I share your frustrations and experienced some similar decisions that my parents made in their elder years that I felt were not good for them or for us, their children. I did try to step in to manage things, but that was a naive assumption. I was not aware of the drama triangle in that time and had stepped on as rescuer. My mother responded as if I was the persecutor, she in victim role and my father stepped in to rescue her, from me. It seemed crazy at the time. One example was that my father was critically ill. He had done everything for my mother and we feared she would not be able to manage things. I tried to help her on the financial end and she dysregulated, accusing me of trying to get her hands on her money ( which I would have handled honestly, kept a spread sheet that would have been open to accountants and my siblings) , and instead has entrusted her valuables to total strangers, some who have scammed her. I can't do anything about her decisions. I know nothing about them.

When my father was ill, I felt neither of them were making good decisions so I contacted a social worker who basically stated that so long as my parents were not incompetent in the legal sense, they had the legal right to make their own poor decisions.

It was true. They were still legally competent, it was their money, their property, their lives and their decisions- and what they chose to do was none of my business.

What is my part in this? My part was expectations. I expected them to be different than who they were, but they are who they are and so long as I wish they would do things my way ( even if I had good reasons for that)- they get to do things their way.

Natural consequences are a tough lesson and sometimes when we step in as rescuers, we take that lesson away. It is very hard to not step in when we see self destructive behavior in people we care about. We can take control of children to some extent, it's our job to protect them from bad things, but if we protect them from all of their actions- we take away their lesson too. So if a child forgets his homework, and we intervene, we take away the lesson of facing his teacher and a bad grade. Yet, we do have to keep children safe from serious harm.

Once a person is legal- over the age of 18, we are limited in what we can control. When we try to control adults, we risk becoming enablers/rescuers and getting involved in the drama.

It was very difficult to step back and accept that my parents were going to do whatever they were going to do whether or not I thought it was a good idea. My father passed away, and BPD mother is in control of their assets. I wanted some heirlooms, she refused to give them to me , and now some of them are stolen because she trusts strangers more than her own family.  As to a will, I have been written in and out so many times, I have no idea. I also have no expectations of what she will do with her own money.

As to my kids, they are on to her. When they were little I had some boundaries with her and them, but now that they are older, they have their own. My job was to validate their feelings and their boundaries and the idea that you don't have to like grandma or agree with her, or do what she says but we have chosen to behave respectfully to her when she is in our presence. If your father misses out on your children's events, they likely won't feel the loss like you do if they have parents who love them and are there for them. The actual loss you know is on the part of your father. He is missing out, not them and if he is not concerned about that, then it is better they don't have the illusion that their grandpa is different from who he is.

I think by changing your expectations, your distress will be less. Accepting that we have no control over our parents' decisions, only ours, will help you let go of expecting them to be different.

Thank you for your thoughtful responses.  I really appreciate it. 

Woolspinner2000 - If I was really honest, I think I just want to limit contact even more since extending invitations leaves me feeling vulnerable.  You are so right I can't control them.  I guess there is part of me that will never stop feeling shocked... .partly because with my mom she always talked a big game and was a super invested parent and then when I became an adult it just flipped.  So it leaves me wondering... .did I remember things right... .was she always this way... .did she change... .or did I just change.  Who knows.  And as my mom always used to tell me... .the why doesn't matter.  It just is.

Turkish - You are right, my kids aren't aware.  If I was honest with myself my bigger problem is figuring out how to stop venting about my parents to my husband in front of them.  I am sure they'll pick up on it soon, if they haven't already.  I have to get that in check.  Probably more important than worrying about what they may or may not perceive from my parents. 

Notwendy - I can totally relate.  I am constantly the rescuer.  Sometimes it is welcomed, other times it is not.  I have gotten better about clamping down on it because I am stretched too thin with my own family and obligations.  I think the fear I have is that they won't have their estate in order and then when the time comes my mom and sister will be looking to me, and so I am looking for my dad to think of someone else and get his stuff in order so that I don't have to deal with a mess.  I suppose I don't have to deal with the mess.  That is a good reminder that seems to get lost on me.  As for my kids, I definitely want to let my kids come to their own conclusion and validate their feelings.  I really need to work on getting out of the habit of venting in front of them. 

Thanks again everyone, it is comforting to know that others understand.

My father became seriously ill a while before he passed away. I also wanted things to be in better order, but each time I stepped in to help- it became more difficult and ineffective.

Dad wanted help getting his things in order ,but each time we tried, my mother would pitch a fit, scream and it was basically impossible. They were not in order when he died and by that time she had written me out of the will and told me not to touch them. He did leave her financially in OK shape and while we feared she would mismanage things, we had no control over anything she did. I basically stayed away from the situation- not much I could do anyway. She has at times tried to get me to "help" but that help means drama. I have in time gotten some mementos that belonged to him, but not the way I had wished. Legally, everything my mother owns belongs to her to do what she wishes, and we have to accept it.