BPDFamily.com

I have been married for over 20 years and its been a rough 20 years.  I am a Christian and I am committed to marriage (for better or worse).  Its been "worse" for most of the marriage for me.

My wife was sexually abused by her father which I believe is the cause of this issue.  I have been patient pointing all the issues to her past.  She has worked on recovery of the abuse, but she still had issues.  Last week my wife was angry with me, cussing me out.  Then the next day she was saying I was a great husband.  It was so confusing that I began to search for help in dealing with a "love/hate" wife.   I came across some videos on BPD and after watching them from health professionals, people with BPD and loved ones of BPD, I see that my wife fits the traits of BPD and I totally agree with the feelings and struggles of those with loved ones of BPD.

We have 8 kids, ranging from 7 to 20.  One in college and 7 at home still.    I have struggled with my wife and I try my hardest to help my kids, but I am seeing the effects on them. 

I am hoping to get more information and a plan for moving into a better future.   I have not told my wife yet, as I see many mental health professionals say not tell the BPD that they have the condition.  I hope to approach her at some point, but only after I have more research and a plan to try to get additional help.

Hi, strugglingone I like to welcome your family to our family *welcome*

I'm sorry to hear that most of your marriage has been bad. I hope you have days you don't think that.

As a Christian myself (not a good one) I find strenght in the idea that God put this woman on my path for a reason. Not everyone can take this and find love and compassion for a person that some days behaves like an enemy. But we can, we understand someone has done unspeakable things to them, and that has broke them. It is not their fault. It is not our fault either, but we have the chance to grow and control things in a way they can't, we are lucky we are not broken. We've been put here because we can love them in a way no one loved them before. The days love is not enough, we can think we have a task to keep.

I'm usually described as a good person, very patient and all. But I always felt I was selfish, because I don't have a calling for any volunteer work, I was good only inside my comfort zone. Now, the days I don't feel the reward here on Earth, I know I'm doing something good way outside my comfort zone. I'm really giving myself to others, and these others are really in need, and they have suffered a lot. In my case, my girlfriend and her kids. You brought 8 people to the world, and you're taking care of them.

Here on these boards we can also help each other, and aleviate some suffering in the world that is not very known. So when I fell like asking "Why is this happening to me?" I know I'm doing some good, like the chance to do good in the world finaly found me, instead of me finding it.

We can't imagine how being abused by someone that was supposed to take care of you can hurt you, it must be so deep that the very concept of reality breaks. No amount of reason can heal that, so they let go of reason in different ways. You know how much it hurts when the woman you love treats you badly. Imagine being a child, and having all your trust in one person, learning to see the world through one person, and this person abuses you. You can't trust again. You are affraid to live for the rest of your live. You are expecting everyone to hurt you sooner or later.

Thinking the mind can go anywhere is frightening, but knowing it goes in one way, that is called BPD, makes it more manageable. It has been studied, and they developed tools to make life better. For them and for us. We are still taking the 1st steps in understanding this illness, but thanks to very compassionate people, many steps are taken in the right direction.

The more you learn, the more pieces come into place. Many people here have struggled with knowing before their partners did, to tell it or not. It's not our place, as we are not qualified to diagnose anyone, but a diagnosis can help doing the things in the right direction. It wasn't my case, so I hope someone can help you with that.

This is a great place to start. Best of luck, and blessings to you and your family.

Hi struggling one ,

Welcome to the boards. Congratulations on 20 years of marriage, even if it has been difficult. That's a long time in today's standards.

Childhood abuse can definitely affect someone's view of themselves in adulthood. You made the right decision in not telling your wife about BPD. In most scenarios it does not go well. I think if you spend some time here on the site, reviewing our lessons (which you can find on the right side of the page), you will learn a lot of very helpful communication skills that will help improve things. Is there one thing in particularly that you seem to struggle with or something that seems to upset your wife the most?

To get you started, here is a link to our workshop on the dos and don'ts of a BPD relationship:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0

Hello strugglingone,

I, too, have a long marriage with kids and a wife with BPD.  I am sorry you are carrying such a heavy burden.  Once I found out about BPD, it helped explain things, but it was an embarrassingly long time before I buckled down and really started learning about it, and how I could work on changing my behaviors to help things.  That certainly doesn't mean that I was responsible for everything, but I was certainly at times unintentionally making things worse.  For example, she would harshly attack me for various things, often a mixture of real problems and made up or overblown problems.  I would defend myself, leading to a miserable exchange of words and anger.  I finally learned to quickly own/admit to whatever was rationally my issue and try to let the junk slide off my back without reacting against it or trying to defend myself.

Three books were particularly helpful to me:  "Walking on Eggshells," "I Hate You Don't Leave Me," and "Loving Someone with BPD."  I actually read "I Hate You" first, because someone recommended it to me when I said my wife would yell at me to leave a room, then try to get me to come back and be upset when I left! 

As you do a little more studying, you'll see how much of what is going on is connected together, and you may get some relief just understanding that this is not all just random.  Another thing the books will help you develop is empathy.  You'll understand that your wife is using the only coping skills she has.  It helped me greatly to understand that my wife was not this equal or greater force than me who was intentionally trying to hurt me.  As crazy and out of proportion as her actions seemed, all of her emotion and misery was genuine.  She really *did* feel like I didn't love her when I didn't take out the garbage.  How awful must it be to live like that?

And after you understand that things are not random and start to develop empathy, you can buckle down and start learning some of the techniques that can help make things better.  It will be hard work.  It took years to get where you are, and things will not change overnight.  You will be tested.  But do not give up.  Stay committed.  Read and reread the lessons in the books and on this Web site (look to the right).  Read other's posts on the board, and become a regular poster.  Start a new thread that focuses on a particular issue you'd like help with.  You can start with a small one if you want, but don't be afraid to bring your biggest problems here.  We are stronger together.

Like a duck that looks calm above water but is swimming furiously underneath, you will want to do all of this work in the background.  Your wife is not going to want to hear that you've read a bunch of books trying to figure her out.  One of the things about BPD is that there is often a strong shame response.  pwBPD can feel shame very intensely.  One of the ways we can help them is by not unconsciously shaming them.  Any notion that they have a mental illness can of course bring on feelings of shame.  A related thing is a history of personal abuse.  They may feel shame that it happened, and shame about feeling "broken."  Don't try to openly deal with your wife's abuse history.  If she brings it up, give her lots of love and empathy.  Resist the urge to figure out links to today's behaviors or work through those past issues with her.  Someday, you may hit a rare moment where she is driving the discussion and there's an "aha" moment about links between the past and the present, but it may be years and years from now, or may never happen.  You can do a huge amount of good by just focusing on the behaviors going on today.

The Christian tradition has given you an understanding of what it means to bear burdens, to be tested, and to be a shepherd to your family.  You will need all of that, but I tried that alone for a couple of decades, and it wasn't enough.  It took the reading I did and the wisdom of this community to help set me on a better path.  Stick with us, and keep posting!

Thanks for the advice and encouraging words!

My Christian Faith has definitely helped me to endure.  For years, my wife has complained about our marriage and has yelled at God and me for making it so hard.  I have always said, "Its not good now, but God is working on us and I have 'HOPE' for the future."

Also, as I have been learning in the last week that pwBPD are like people with 3rd degree burns and do not do well with criticism.   This fits my wife and how I have learned to treat her.  I learned early in our marriage to never directly criticize.  I am always evaluating what I am going to say to try and make sure she will not be offended (I do that pretty well most of the time).  I cringe when we are with the kids or with other people and there is a comment that could offend her.  Even now, we have been through some marriage enrichment books and marriage counseling and sometimes the advice is to ask the partner "How can I improve?"  I do not like to answer those questions and many times I tell her "I will think about it."  In answering those questions when directed by the book or marriage counselor, she may not immediately react, but in the following days she will bring it up and make me regret I said it. 

As for Empathy and Sympathy, I have been trying to do that since the start of our marriage.  Prior to marriage, I attended several "Promise Keeper" conferences and two pieces of advice I remember from them was "Change yourself and not your partner", and "Always acknowledge your partners feelings, they are valid."  I am constantly saying "I am so sorry that I made you feel... ." or "I am so sorry that this happen... ." or "I am so sorry about what I did... .".  She now complains that I am always saying "I am sorry... .".  My frustration has always been that she rarely says "I am sorry... ", even when it comes out that she was wrong.

Although my wife has not be officially diagnosed as a pwBPD, I am fairly confident she has it I am pursuing learning about it and learning to deal with it.  It is helpful to have "Here is the specific condition" in addition to having a "She was abused as a kid and be patient with her" attitude.

I know it will be a long road, but I believe that God is helping me to grow and rely upon Him for these past years and years to come.

Again thanks for the responses and related stories.

Hello struggling one,

It's been a while.  How are things with you?

Wentworth