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This has been hard and surprising for me but I am finding myself really hating this person. I take responsibility for getting back into it and thinking my strict conditions and escape hatch would save me from pain or other problems.

I know for a fact that this is over forever. I would think she would probably at one point again try to make contact. I can see myself telling her to F off and die if that happens.

I just really hate her now, and to an extent hate myself for allowing anything to happen with her. I don't want to hate anybody.  I still have strong negative feelings against my ex wife who 20 years ago cheated on me and abandoned my 3 young children. Now this exgf has put a cloud over my head that even causes me to be sometimes sick to my stomach.

Today on a day when I am exhausted it is worse than normal. I try to cope by being with people, family and riding my very fast motorcycle.  The weekend was actually great spending time with family, friends and riding buddies... .a lot of excitement and even a motorcycle accident (not my fault) to keep me occupied.

Now alone with my work and myself and my exhaustion it is very tough. I don't want to think about her and am not ruminating, I am beyond that.  But frankly I have very bad feelings toward her because I think she cheated on me and would not be bothered if she were hit by a bus.

Anyways, this is how I feel. I don't like it but I guess have to march through it. Somehow I feel that some of this will stay with me until I am dead  

Hi nowwhatz,

*welcome*

I hope that you're Ok from your bike accident?

Never say never, we don't know what will happen in the future, it's normal to feel anger and I can understand it's an uncomfortable that you don't want to feel for a long length of time, maybe you're the type of person that doesn't hold a grudge against people. Anger is a normal stage in the 5 stages of grief, the stages are not in a particular order and we go through a stage more than once.

The Five Stages of Grieving a Relationship Loss (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=138154.0)

Thank you Mutt. I am ok from the bike accident and have been riding a lot to help with the stress.  I guess since I have taken her back several times that means I don’t hold a grudge. The intensity of the anger is very surprising to me. Yesterday was her birthday and you know we had lots of plans for her birthday and mine which is also this month, so I was deeply annoyed and angry almost all of yesterday, not much better today.   

I did stop myself from doing anything to ruin her already crummy birthday or try to contact her in any way. I think the anger comes from her threat to turn me in to tax authorities for her percieved problems I have. That kind of stung and put me into kind of a war mindset... .very uncomfortable. If I do get some type of audit based on her lies I don’t know that I will be able to stop myself from making her life miserable.

Some friends asked about what happenned and they said the way I handled it all was way nicer than many people would. It seems like my life has unravelled over the last few months.  I want to blame her but should have know better.

It is strange but trying to be objective as much as possible I think she was trying to make it work but wasn’t ready and never will be. I tried to make it work, but didn’t expect much.

Life sometimes sucks very badly.