BPDFamily.com

Hello everyone,

I'm not wholly sure how to go about this. And, I can get super nerdy about composing writing; so I think I won't edit this much, giving preference to sharing info and not so much the format.  Thank you all.

I'm in the process of trying to understand what it all means; I suspect my wife shows signs of borderline personality disorder.  I'm so tired.  She is so frustrated, angry, unhappy.  She does not display with self-harm.  Rather she is angry, angry, angry.

We have five children.  She had three of them from a previous relationship, but he was never around much and I have been a full-time parent for the past four years (a large part of their lives).

I am planning to leave her.  I will not live with the level of unrest that is normal for our lives.  She cannot see her part in creating/perpetuating the unrest, and I need something different for myself.  I am also deeply concerned about child development and how having to constantly react to their mother's whims is effecting the children.  It can be very confusing for me, and I have concerns about how confusing it must be for the children.

And so as I am trying to understand issues around custody.  Should I try to get full custody?  If we were both stable, I would want half-time (but, of course, I wouldn't be leaving if we were both stable).  My goal is not to wrest the children from their mother; it is definitely to create a stable environment for myself and for the children to live.  My preference would be a half-time scenario.  But I want to know what people think about that.  For example, she wants to flee the country right now because of nuclear war with North Korea.  She is prone to a lot of fear and anxiety, and she is very controlling.  Her plans and expectations shift all the time.  Is she capable of supporting a healthy home environment half-time?

Finally, I have a councilor.  She was the one who encouraged me to consider that my wife exhibits signs of borderline personality disorder.  I have also spoken with her parents (who have been distraught for years about her behavior) and they want to support her however they can.  Also, when I told one of my wife's close friends that I suspect she has borderline personality disorder and that I am going to start acting as if she does, her friend told me that she has suspected this for years and that is how she treats her.  She also told me that she does not talk about it openly with other people, but uses this viewpoint to help friends who are confused by my wife's behavior.  We also both wonder if my wife also has narcissistic behavior.

I am looking for a councilor who specializes in BPD, as well as legal council.

Thanks again, everyone

Hi eccentric wheel,

Welcome and hello  :)


There are a couple of different ways that custody works, at least in the US. If you live in a commonwealth country, it's probably similar (with different ways of slicing things up). For example, where I live, there is primary physical custody, joint legal custody, and decision-making as a part of legal custody. And then there is visitation, which is where the kids physically stay, and for what percentage of time. In some states, there is also residential parent for school. Confusing!

The theory behind carving things up this way is that it creates the illusion that neither parent is winning nor losing, in an attempt to dial down the hostility and conflict during a custody battle. Or something like that.

Full custody would mean that you get primary physical custody, sole legal custody (all decision-making), and some percentage of visitation, usually a majority.

So when you go for full custody, you are making a strong claim about the instability of the other parent, which is fine, but will likely take a long time and multiple trips to court, with bunches of documentation. As one member here often comments, it is a marathon, not a sprint.

Not to discourage you from asking for full custody, because it's important to ask for what you think is best for the kids. Your L will probably tell you it isn't possible and will try to talk you down. My advice is to ask the L to come up with a strategy and tactics as though you were going to get full custody. And then go from there. You won't get it the first time, but you also won't be punished for asking, either. At the very least, you will have room to negotiate between full custody and primary physical custody. Typically, the BPD parent will act entitled to full custody (especially if your wife did this with other fathers). It can't hurt to ask for the same in response, in my opinion.

When you are ready to interview lawyers, it helps to have a specific goal like you have. Interview two or three to get a feel for what strategy they propose, and how they would handle specifics. Would they recommend a custody evaluation? Deposition? Psychiatric evaluation? Do they recommend you record your wife's behavior, or think it's best to get the kids into counseling? Do they recommend that you journal and keep a calendar of incidents so you have documentation? Or tell you to try and email important conversations so you have a written record of her pattern of communication? These are all tactics that will help support the strategy proposed.

Before you go, see if there is an online site or book you can order that explains how things work where you live. That will help you prepare for the meetings. And if there is someone you trust to take notes, that will help, too. I found it really emotional sitting with a lawyer, describing my story, and had a hard time remembering everything after the fact. I started to take notes in a Google doc and that helped, but it's also great to talk to a friend and sort through what got said, what made sense, etc. if at all possible.

This can all be pretty overwhelming, which is why it's great to have this board. Honestly, this place and friends here became a source of incredible strength and clarity during my custody battle and you will get excellent feedback from people who have been in your shoes.

Add to that Bill Eddy's book, Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a BPD/NPD Spouse. There are also a bunch of lessons at the top of this board that you can work your way through depending on what issue you're trying to manage.


Where I live, once a custody suit is filed, you can pull levers in law enforcement and the legal system to prevent her from uprooting the kids. Until you do that, she will have a much easier time pulling up stakes, altho not without some troubles. I'm a dual citizen and when I traveled with my son to Canada, I always had to have a notarized note from N/BPDx granting permission. Depending on the country, parts of the Hague Treaty are invoked. Some countries (like Canada) observe the custody order and legal process in the home country, and will return the child/ren. There is a whole legal department set up to handle this kind of thing. Some countries observe some but not all of the Hague Treaty, so if your wife is from another country, it's helpful to check and see how things work.


BPD is on a spectrum so how well she handles 5 kids will depend on her individual expression of the disorder. In general, BPD mood instability and arrested emotional development, impulsivity, and disordered thinking will make it challenging for the kids to develop healthy coping mechanisms. How emotionally resilient they become will have a lot more to do with your influence and their own genetics. In general, the more the kids experience a stable home environment, the better. That said, counseling and your own emotional leadership can help them cope with their mom in healthier ways.

How old are your biological kids? Would you try to get custody of the other kids (if they are adopted)?

Now is the time to plan and weigh things, and gather lots of information. It will feel uncertain and stressful and sometimes impossible, but we all went through it and came out the other side, and so will you  :)

Glad you found the site. It takes a lot of strength to take these first steps.

LnL

It is likely that you have parental rights for only your children, not the other man's kids, not unless you adopted them.

Expect her to accuse you of all sorts of nefarious villainy once you step forward seeking separate parenting.  Be emotionally and legally prepared to protect yourself and also your children.  She will see only her side of things, her perceptions.  It would be nice if she would reciprocate your fair and considerate efforts but that generally doesn't happen and if it does it ends when she feels she's not in control or losing power.  So it is usually best to proceed with what you know is in the children's best interests overall, namely, you having time with the children in a home environment that is stable and without recurring conflict.

Equal or shared parenting may sound fair to you but ponder how you would handle times when you two don't agree.  What mechanism would resolve such times?  If it has to go back to court, each process would probably take months for a court determination.

Since courts often default to joint legal custody for the major issues (unless court and its professionals sees your ex as having substantial issues) will your court allow you to ask for Decision Making or Tie Breaker status?  It is still joint custody, it's just that in an impasse you wouldn't have to wait for a legal decision.  Yes, she could still contest it but the benefit is that you can proceed first before it goes to court.