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My "friend" and I are just coming out of bad period. For the past 2 months I was the most evil horrible person in the world and he wanted nothing to do with me.   We have done this pattern before - he calls it his sick time.   
My question is which is true - his words/actions during his sick time or his words/actions when things are better.   Are they equally true/untrue.   I just have a hard time recovering from the hate of each sick time.   I am no longer sure it is worth it.   I know every BPD person is different but does anyone have any words of wisdom?

I can appreciate your situation and feel for you.  I am in a marriage with someone like that and am feeling the same way... .I'm no longer sure it's worth it.

I'm not sure I can offer any words of wisdom however I do believe that the only person you are responsible for is yourself and try very hard to live by this instead of getting tangled in the disorder.  I do things to make myself happy and sadly am caring less about the awful effects it seems to have on my husband that for instance I want to go to the gym each morning. 

When it comes to friendship I always tell my daughter that real friendships sometimes need breaks and sometimes there are periods where you won't talk for a while but real friendships aren't about hurting the other person.

I hope you find what you're looking for and the help you want!

Hi brilntdsgz,

Those periods of absence, resentment, and distorted reality can be really difficult.   I experienced that, too, with pwBPD, albeit for shorter periods than it appears your cycles are. It's part of the symptoms of BPD, I'm afraid. As far as what is "true": I'd say that all the behaviors are true, in the moment. As you've experienced, though, what is "true" for a pwBPD can change dramatically and quickly. What a pwBPD is feeling in the moment is often FACT for them. When the feelings change to something else, then that is fact... .and so on.

There is more information about the characteristics of BPD here:DSM Definition: BPD (https://bpdfamily.com/content/borderline-personality-disorder)

I encourage you to read and post on the Improving board, brilntdsgz. It could really help you understand the cycles and learn tools to improve the relationship. Another excellent resource is in the fat green menu bar at the top of every page. If you click on Tools, you'll see a wealth of things in the drop-down menu that you can do to help make this relationship more fulfilling for both of you.

How do things stand right now between you?

heartandwhole

Thank you,

We are  politely disconnected from each other.   This is new (at least within the past 2 1/2 years)  Normally we just rush back together and everything gets swept under the rug.  I asked him to allow me to reach out to him every couple of days to make sure he is ok (He is homeless) and he agreed to not bite my head off when I do.   
We have both agreed we need time to heal/deal with the last 8 months and all the drama/crap that has happened. 
He is really trying to focus on finding work, finding a place to stay and being able to see his daughter.  All things he needs to focus on - what that means for me is that our friendship is a low priority - it hurts - but I get it. 
As for me I am trying to focus on me & work on my own depression/co dependency issues.   
I miss him very much - because the good in him is very good.  :)

I believe that each and every emotion they have is true in the moment they are in. Mine told me living together was the happiest time of his life. In that moment it was true for him. Then months later he told me he had never ever been happy with me and he had no happy memories of us. That was also true in that moment. Their feelings are mercurial. It is the nature of the disorder. Very sad  in truth.

"We are  politely disconnected from each other."

I like that description. After becoming familiar with BPD and finally realizing that I was not solely responsible for what was going on in my marriage, it became easier to be "disconnected". I still love my wife but can now ride out the lows and not take it all so personal (not to say it still doesn't hurt sometime), but I've found she has moderated, or seems to be trying a little harder now that I don't immediately react to every outburst.

Yes, I believe a little disconnect can do wonders in some cases.