BPDFamily.com

Hi im in an on and off relationship with a BPD female.  we have hit a rough patch and im doing everything i can to save it.  not to be little her feelings but she centers her problems on me.  she hates that i dont plan things far in advance(she has a planner and plans everything)  when she has out bursts at me i get really defensive i find im taking blame for abandonment issues the fact that i trigger her and she is prone to violence against herself and me once.  she says she finds me not a good emotional fit. i knew nothing of BPD before starting this relationship and i dont wanna quit but im getting no where.  we broke up for a month after a fight one night where i assumed she was cheating on me and trying to steal things from me.  I reacted bad and took something important to her returned it 2 days later.  after 3 weeks no contact i reached out and said i really wanted it to work she was over the moon till our first fight in which she threw the issues at me adding she cant trust me and hates i know her triggers feels im dangerous for her.  the only thing that keeps me going is even tho she says the meanest thing we stay in contact we both know we care about each other deeply but it seems she chases the high of the honeymoon phase once thats over anything i do to set her off is reason to end it.  im now getting the cold shoulder about trying to fix the issues with her saying shes tired of this talk over and over again with no resolution.  but i find she is very in flexiable in her demands even stating "yes im ___ing crazy get used to it"  i feel i can learn to figure out how to deal with the outburts etc but im not getting a chance.  She feels like if i cant do it by now it wont happen and we need to move on ?
Any advice would help and im happy to answer any questions thank you

Hi vancityadd *welcome*

it is a frustrating experience, to say the least. You want to help, you care, you make a lot of efforts... .And somehow everything you try seems to turn against you. We've all been there.

My advise is that you can't fight everything at once. And you won't acomplish anything in a hurry. This is a problem that takes a lot of patience, as in you are very hungry, and you stop to plan seeds, that will give you food someday. That image gives you an idea of the kind of person that you need to become.

In the meantime, less is more, and you have to look inside as much as outside. What do you really want? Are you in this for the long run? What do you do to keep your emotions in check? What do you do to take care of yourself? What makes you happy today? How can you not lose your temper?

The good news is that anything you do to improve yourself, it will improve any relationship that you have.

Before we can make anything better, we have to stop making things worse. You'll hear that a lot. And it does help to have that concept in mind. I'm lost very often, and I don't know what to do, but what I know is "if I do this, hell is gonna break lose, and we are not gonna get anywhere". So I go back to myself, I control my emotions, I remember my goals... .And 1 out of 10 times, I manage to say what I really should say, facts without judgement, validation without "buts", and I give her space to go circle around her emotions to the place that she is the woman I know and love.

I'm biting my tongue right now to not answer her about not trusting me. I've been told many things that you mention. They just "feel out loud", and that hurts, and the next day they can feel somehting different, and when they have the ability to thing, the truth comes out.  But for them, what they feel in the moment is their reality, no matter if there is no evidence, or logical train of thought that led them there. Even when they are aware of this, they can't change it, and that gives them a lot of frustration and shame.

Take your time on yourself and on learning about this and about her. And keep posting, we get it.

HI vancityadd,

I'm sorry that things have been so tough in your relationship. You've found a good place for help and support. It sounds like you've come to a place where you can see that the way you are reacting to her has not been working well. That's a great place to start because now you can begin looking at what you can do to start improving things. You may never be able to change your pwBPD, but you can change you. We have a lot of great workshops on the right side of the page that can help you learn new tools and communication skills.

Since you mentioned that you tend to get angry and reactive, here is a link to one of our workshops on being triggered and using mindfulness to keep you in a healthy place.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0