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For some time I've been pondering the idea of defining. Let me explain.

To me, when I am defined, I am told who I am. Usually it is by someone else. For example, in having an uBPDm, she continually defined me but I didn't know it. I thought what she said was true and right, and I believed it, down deep in my core.

You embarrass me. 
You are not pretty.
You read too much.
You never get your jobs done.
I wish you'd never been born.
You are selfish and only think of yourself.
I see how important I am to you. I think I'll go and kill myself. (Thus I am a bad child.)

I grew up thinking I was all of these things and more. Sometimes I skip right on over what she said and tell them to myself before the subconscious voices tell me. "I'm so stupid," I say to myself.

Really? Are these things true? Someone has TOLD me that they are true, but are they really? I have let these words define who I am.

There came a day when I suddenly realized that only I can define myself. What others think of me doesn't make me who I am.
I have begun to redefine myself. It is a process, a journey.

Are you on the journey to re-defining yourself too?
What words have others used to define you?
How do you define yourself?

Can't wait to hear from you!
 
Wools

Remind Me Who I Am
Jason Gray
When I lose my way,
And I forget my name
Remind me who I am
In the mirror all I see
Is who I don't wanna be
Remind me who I am
In the loneliest places
When I can't remember what grace is
Tell me, once again
Who I am to You, who I am to You
Tell me, lest I forget
Who I am to You, that I belong to You
To You
When my heart is like a stone,
And I'm running far from home
Remind me who I am
When I can't receive Your love
Afraid I'll never be enough
Remind me who I am
If I'm Your beloved
Can You help me believe it
Tell me, once again
Who I am to you, who I am to You, whoa
Tell me, lest I forget
Who I am to you, that I belong to You
To You
I'm the one You love,
I'm the one You love
That will be enough
I'm the one You love
Tell me, once again
Who I am to you, who I am to You
Tell me, lest I forget
Who I am to you, that I belong to You, whoa
Tell me, once again
Who I am to You, who I am to You
Tell me, lest I forget
Who I am to You, that I belong to You
To You
I lose my way on a daily basis. I love this song, though.
When I grew up I was told I wasn't planned, was the wrong sex, and was almost born in the toilet. My mother laughed about it. In my core of who I am, I accepted how I was defined.It has taken me most of my life to get to this place I am at now.
This past year I have come to define myself as a mental and physical warrior. I am grateful for this site, and how the loss of my past relationship has helped me face pain, I couldn't process. I have grown through feeling, and grieving.And with it, has come healing. There is still a journey far ahead, will do my best to look and see the joy in it, one day at a time!
I also like to do positive self talk daily. when getting character assassination at the workplace, I say to myself, I handle life like a rock star!

I love the words to that song, Panhead67! Thank you for sharing them. I especially appreciate that you shared how you've been able to overcome a lot of the defining in your life that was unhealthy.


What you have done is to redefine yourself. To see yourself in these healthy ways has continued your healing and progress.   |iiii Great job, one day at a time.

 
Wools

Hi Wools

It sounds like your mother's projections unfortunately were very much internalized by you. That definitely is something I can relate to, it is difficult maintaining a positive view of yourself when the person you look to for love and support is constantly putting you down.


Yeah I am on that journey too. It is still tough though and sometimes certain things can unexpectedly lead to a flood of old emotions and thoughts. Like I have been watching a sci-fi series and one integral part of the show is time travel and going back in time to prevent certain horrible events. At first I wasn't even aware of what was going on but today I realized that the time-travel aspect to change the past, is actually quite depressing to me because it very much reminds me of the many times I had wished for things to have been different. I did not expect to feel this way, but after analyzing it Board Parrot style, it actually makes sense.

The message that my mother conveyed most, even without putting it into words, was that I was a bad, selfish and mean child. Other times I was supposedly almost a saint though. All just projections of course, neither extreme was real at all. I am and have always been, Kwamina the Parrot! Board Parrot now! :)

But on a more serious note, I find the question of defining or re-defining myself quite tricky. When you have been subjected to negative projections since day 1, it can be very hard to determine who you really are or who you really want to be. Like what part is the authentic me and what part is the internalized negative projection? After a while the projections can start to feel real and after an even longer while the projections might feel like all we know. I also often think of what our friend Harri once posted about if our acts define us and if we have not acted in a way which reflects the person we (re)define ourselves to be, than who are we really? What essentially defines us?

Perhaps there really are more questions than answers