BPDFamily.com

Am back on this board now - from the tolerating board - as I have taken a fresh look at things.

the truth is I'm going nowhere at present and have to deal with my life as it is now and get some personal value out of my marriage and life.

Christ this is going to be hard but I can just sense, if we can get a real sexual connection going - things might just improve on the big range of issues.

any thoughts comments would be appreciated.

This is a great attitude to have. What brought about the fresh attitude? I think it's important to try to get value out of your marriage, even if it is not perfect or even close to what you would hope for it to be. I believe there is always a ray of hope.

Not to be a debbie downer though, just remember that although many times someone with BPD has a breakthrough moment, that doesn't mean it will last. I really hope that she will be able to carry through with the things you discussed in regards to the connection. I always say take those moments and run with them. Soak up every bit of goodness out of it.

Does your wife think the sexual connection is a part of what has been missing too?

Hi MrRight,

I want to pick up on the knife situation as it's what jumped out of your post at me. You say 'she came at you with a knife' what does that actually mean, were you in danger and is this something that you have had to deal with before?

Back to the subject of sex. I suspect your desire to talk about your love making the next day could have been very triggering for your wife, leaving her feeling perhaps emotionally quite vulnerable.
I wonder if in these early stages of reconnecting physically with each other whether it might be safer to enjoy the moment, but not to pursue it further through discussion until things are more stable between you.

Hello Mr. Right, you mentioned a feeling that sex was the only way you could get a return on the investment of your time.  Any marriage, and in particular one involving a pwBPD, requires a huge amount of energy.  Over the course of your marriage, have there been any other ways that the marriage has had value for you?

How old is your child?  Do the three of you spend time together?  How does it go? Are there valuable/rewarding experiences there?

I think I asked myself the question - of what use is she to me? she doesnt really cook (without a major fuss), doesnt drive, doesnt work, is overbearing company etc etc. And in the end I could only think of 1 possible use - as a reasonably attractive and still youngish female I ought to be getting some sexual use out of her - but dont. Why? So i ran through with this train of reasoning and realised I was creating barriers - oh she's such a brute - I cant have a relationship with someone like this - etc etc. Now I have arrived at the VFM question - value for money. time is money - and she takes up all my time - I should be getting some return. And sex is the only way I can get this return so I am prepared to do what is necessary - will need to invest a little more to get the return.
As she has always been prepared to have sex with me - and is quite a normal woman in that regard - there is no reason why it should not work.
Yes I understand this could be a false dawn. But I will try.

I'm going to push a little here. Is sex all that you need in order to feel fulfilled in this marriage?

Is it fair to her to be seen as only something you get value from?

What value does she get from you? How are YOU contributing to the value of this relationship?

When she came at you with the knife,  how did she come at you,  and how did you de-escalate or disarm her?

In my case I left with our S5 - reported my W to the P for domestic violence etc. Went to live with my relations.

She was arrested and charged - denied everything. The P would need my testimony in court to get a conviction.

With no plan in place - and stuck with my relatives - deprived of the family home - I cracked and went back to her. From that moment on she was well in charge. Behaved herself to a degree while charges were hanging over her - pressured me to retract my statement - I refused to do this as I thought it might end up with me being charged for wasting police time. Like you I was told I had to clear up the mess I had made - I had betrayed the family etc. To this day she throws it in my face. Had I known I was going to go back to her I never would have done it.

So the charges were dropped when the P realised we had "reconciled"

In a way you are in a no win scenario - if they charge - you will be expected to give evidence - and this will be destructive in your family as she will always see you as a traitor - and she may call you a traitor and throw it in your face whenever she can if they don't charge - in this case she may feel she has scored a victory - if the police wont charge - it may be a vindication - she could become worse not better. Mine had a quiet period - but soon went back to normal and worse - even when we had social services visiting us - nothing would deter her.

The thinking on this board seems to be that police action can be used successfully to make her accountable for her behaviour. Perhaps it works in some cases but it is a very risky strategy. I would call it a strategy of last resort - it was for me - and due to my lack of a plan, poor financial situation and general weakness of character - I failed. I hope it works out in your case.

From another thread:

What are you thinking, going forward? It's a hard question and I'm not asking in a detailed way, but rather, are you ready to let go and go with her flow?

Going with he flow? I dont have much choice in that.