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Well, he has actually applied to and gotten a seat at a prestigious realty company, via which he will undergo extensive training. I know that a lot of the work needs to be done on his end, and I don't have any guarantees that he will follow through on the work itself, but I've told myself that he's running out of excuses. I'm already cutting him off from non-essential things (i.e. not paying for his car repairs, not paying for his credit card - these are things he will have to pay for himself). I am still paying for his insurance right now, because it is through my paycheck at work, but I'm going to be cutting off more and more as time goes on. That means, if we don't have money to go out to eat, we don't go, etc.

I realize that it will take time for him to sell a house, but I will be able to tell within a month or two whether he is consistently trying to do everything he can to learn and build a career. If he doesn't, that's it. Like I said, he's running out of excuses.

Timeline of excuses:
First excuse: I can't work because I don't have a work permit.
Obtains work permit.
Second excuse: I can't get a full time job because you lost your job and we might be moving.
We move.
Third excuse: I can't get a full time job out where your parents live because it is so far away from everything, and also, living with them is making me feel bad about myself and I'm getting social anxiety and can't get out of bed.
We move into our own home in the city. He takes a real estate class.
Fourth excuse: I can't apply to get a real estate position because we need to take care of the house and moving first.
Three months pass and we move in.
Fifth excuse: I can't apply to get a real estate position because I need to go up to Canada to visit my mom.
He goes up to Canada to visit his mom.

He says when he gets back, he'll really "sink his teeth into" working, and he "won't let go." No more excuses. We've removed all of the barriers. He has a car, he has a home, he has a work permit. He has everything he could possibly need to successfully start a career.

If he slacks off for even a second, that's it. That's it. I'm done. He can have his mom pay for his life. I'll be done.

What flourdust expressed rings with me as well. My first reaction when reading your post was just that, plus:


If he's been jobless and dependent on you financially for a prolonged period of time, we can reasonably assume that these are a consequence of deeper issues he has within himself.
He might justify his "lashing out" as a result of low self-esteem, unemployment and frustrating social status, but is this true? Isn't it like addressing the symptoms of an ailment instead of locating and curing the causes? Him being jobless is a symptom. Him lashing out is a symptom.

This makes me think that even if he was to stick to his promises of building independence and career (which we are reasonably entitled to doubt at this point) he wouldn't have any difficulties in finding another justification to lash out, because the causes will not have been addressed by simply getting a job. It is questionable whether he is finding this "new will" to better function socially because of himself or because he knows that it is the only way to keep you in place.

If he is doing it "for you", what would happen if working reveals to be too much of a challenge? If he ends up frustrated because he feels forced to do doing something he does not like? If he does not succeed in keeping his position? The list of potentially negative outcomes could be long, but the essential question is: who would carry the guilt in his mind? Who will be responsible for his misery? And wouldn't that give him an even more justifiable reason to lash out?

I wish to go back to the title of this thread: Scared of him. Please help.

It's not ok to feel scared of the person who should respect, love and cherish you. And neither is it ok if you feel threatened by him, or obliged to give him one more chance out of FOG. It's hard to give an advise that doesn't come across as biased, but when reading you i recognise the same patterns i've gone through, and it didn't end so well. I wish it to turn out differently for you WitzEndWife, and hope you'll find love, peace and safety.

I'm not sure if it's all about FOG, at least not really regarding him. It's more about me, that I've done everything I possibly could to save the marriage. In previous relationships I've had emotionally abusive situations, and I've basically waited until I felt "good and done" (like, tapped, I guess) to end things. I'm almost to that point, but I guess I still have a sliver of hope that things could get better. Maybe I'm fooling myself. I've never dealt with BPD before. This Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde thing is making me insane.

I agree the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde thing is horrible. I'm totally burned out, totally hopeless. Technically, I should be posting on the Break up forum, but I know people here.

One thing I just did (primarily because I'm a writer), is turn my relationship into a story, using third person. When I put it down on paper as I did, my sympathy went for the non-BPD in a huge way. And I had so much compassion for myself.

I used to be involved in NAMI, but I'm too angry these days. I'm so tired of personality disorders I seriously want to scream.

I'm sorry you're going through all this. I've reported my H to the police, so I'll have a record of what he's done that has scared me.

Please take care of yourself. If you're afraid of your H, there's probably a good reason why.

Practicalities, then... .

If you were betting, what would be the odds that this next attempt at independence would be successful? 1 out of 5, based on 4 previous attempts?

So based on that, how much more difficult will it be to move him out of your house later, as opposed to making the decision now, while it is safer to tell him to stay in Canada?

Food for thought.

Wow - that's a brilliant idea! I'm a writer too. Maybe I'll try doing that myself. It could be very therapeutic either way.  :)

Based on history, the odds would be low, but because this is the first time where he's actually taken initiative and gone and interviewed and gotten a position, I have some hope. Maybe I'm fooling myself, maybe I'm delusional, but there's something in me that wants to see if this can be seen through. If not, I think all hopes of anything ever happening will be dashed and I'll be ready to move on. Is it bad to be giving him one more chance?

I talked to one of my best friends last night. We've been out of touch and she lives in another state. I love her because she is not judgmental and she trusts me to know my own mind. She knows that I have my eyes wide open about this situation, and that there's something in me that wants to see it through to some sort of conclusion. At least, to where I feel satisfied that I've given all the chances, that I've done all the things, and that it's just not going to work out in the end. I don't feel "settled" in that feeling, like I have with relationships in the past. Maybe I'm letting this drag on with an inevitable conclusion, but my gut is saying, "not yet."

It took me longer than it should have to end my marriage. It's OK to move at your own pace. I don't want to tell you what to do -- just to encourage you to make your choices with your eyes open. It sounds like you are doing that.

Many of us are at similar places, although the details may differ.

Are there places where you have "backslidden" (another new FF word)?

What I'm seeing is someone that wants to "move forward" to a better r/s... .or an "ended r/s"

pwBPD taking a step towards a job is forward.  Handing him bills to pay (his own) is forward.

I could likely think of more.

If you have made up your mind that you are forward and not back... .then I would also hope you think through how that will play out.

1.5 months from now his car breaks... .

does it matter if he rages "because of the car"

He "needs" a new suit to be a realtor...

Since you held a boundary and didn't buy him a suit and "ruined" his career in real estate... .you "deserve" a rage.

As you know, we could keep citing examples.  The key is not to particularly answer each one, but to set your mindset... .and stick to it.

Thoughts?

FF

I don't think he will rage because I don't buy him something. He has never raged about that kind of thing, even when I've put my foot down. He rages mostly over himself making mistakes, such as misplacing something, or he rages when he's let the house get into disrepair. He rages if I reprimand him about something. See the pattern?

That said, if he rages AT me (with abusive diatribes meant to beat me down), OR he rages to the point of being destructive or scary in any way, I'm going. I think that's a reasonable boundary.

WitzEndWife,

You sound pretty centered and thoughtful about this.  I'm happy to hear that you've got a friend to lean on for support.  The writing idea also sounds fantastic. 

You mentioned boundaries.  Have you done much boundary work with him?  During a calm time, have you talked about his most extreme, unacceptable behavior, and set a couple or three different levels of behavior and consequences with him?  If you've thoroughly covered this ground, I'm sorry, I've ready many of your posts but not all of them, so I hope I'm not suggesting something that's already been hashed out.

Wentworth