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Had a bit of a realisation last night.  I went out for a few beers and had a really good night at the local pub.
Sat with all my pub colleagues and had a good deep chat with the gorgeous barmaid... .  And I thought, "Ive been doing this for way over a year and a half... .  Always me on my own.  She was never with me". 

2 reasons for this... .

1) She was ignoring me for days
2) I didnt want her to be with me because shes a nasty drunk.  Always on edge with her.

The r/s was pure hell.  I ended up only seeing her on a Monday.  And that was there would be no drinking involved.
I couldnt go anywhere with her in the end.  We never did anything together.  It ended up being a text r/s.
I realised that because she ignored me for days I had to go and forge a different life away from her.  I couldnt rely on her ever.  She used to get so angry at me for going out... .It was a major issue.  No matter how many times I used to
explain that I went out because she wasnt speaking, she just didnt accept it... .So if ever she did come out and had a drink, this topic always came up and she would fly into a rage again.  She didnt realise it was all her own doing... .so this had a knock on effect and I stopped taking her out and of course exacerbating the issue... .  So in the end she started going out and doing her thing and then we ended... .

It needed to happen.  I wasnt happy with her, and she wasnt with me... .  I think this is the first day where some of the fog is clearing and I'm seeing the r/s for what it was... .

I'm with you. Posting and reading on this website has been a massive help. Getting out and exercising has been helping too. As the pain ebbs, the wisdom and perspective sets in.

I'm going to go downtown this weekend for the first time in 3 weeks, and have me a good ol time. I can't hide anymore in fear of seeing her with her rebound/my replacement. Gotta face my fears to overcome them.

Good to hear the fog is starting to clear! I hope I will make it to this point myself soon!

Yes indeed flaming!

My ex lives in a house with no heating. Winter in the UK is freezing... I bought her a portable radiator and microwaveable slippers so she would be warm... .because that's the person I am. I care. And she abused me. So Yeah, the fog is definitely clearing. She doesn't deserve me. I'm a good man so knickers to her... .jog on!

They're not emotionally developed enough to be in a harmonious caring adult relationship. Aint their fault... .in fact the confusion and pain we are feeling now, will be a constant struggle for them on a daily basis... .but probably magnified 1000 times. I know I did my best but being with someone who isn't all there is never going to work. I'm realising that now. And I'm sure deep down she knows she messed it up. She knows I'm a caring loving man... .but in order to save herself the heartbreak of me leaving Her, she engineered it so she could leave me. It's really quite sad.

UK winters have nothing on American Midwest winters! ( I've lived in Kansas City and Chippenham! )

That being said, I bought mine multiple fans once after I broke up with her and then her AC went out shortly after. I know what you mean though.

Helping out is something we natively want to do, but let's take that energy and put it towards a healthy relationship and not a bottomless pit.

Hi confusedbloke,

How are you feeling as you come to terms with the realisations you're having?  What effect is it having on your outlook?


I live in the UK.  I think you meant to say summer is freezing... .:)

Love and light x

Hey Harley,

Yes I meant summer haha!  :)
I'm feeling very positive about the future.  I got asked to go on a date on Friday night by a woman I knew from years ago.  I said Id go on Friday this week, but also told her that I'm fresh out of a difficult relationship.  So Ive stated my situation so no one is going to get the wrong idea.

Its now been 7 days NC and I feel I have got to the stage where I could not imagine being with her now.  The more I think about who she is, the more I am glad it has ended.
And regardless of BPD, we just werent suited.  The way she did things and acted were never going to be right for me.  And I now realise it was just purely physical.
Shes a very pretty woman, and very sexy... .and thats why I put up with the abuse, because I was hooked on the sex element.  I couldnt get enough of her - she was heroin.

I have been talking to the new barmaid in our local.  Shes half my age, studying at Uni, is extremely beautiful and really intelligent... .  TBH she has boosted me, shes really quite nice. Its a welcome distraction.  I know nothing will come of it, but she is actually kind and its making me realise what my ex wasnt... .and that was just being kind and thoughtful.  I was kind to ex and she wasnt back to me, and I dont want that anymore.

I want to be treated well also.  If Im going to put effort into a relationship I expect the same to be done, and if they dont well then I wont put up with it again.

Ive got a lot going for me, good job, nice house, not bad looking, 3 amazing kids who I get on with so well, a great relationship with ex wife... .in fact she came out with me and kids on Friday night and we had fun, nice friends and people that do care about me.  And they care because I care about them.

So yes, I am really feeling more positive everyday... .and Ive stopped looking at my phone now as I know she wont text, and I dont want her to.  Im still not over her as I went to pick my daughter up the other day and it was in exes neighbourhood... .I just wanted to get out of there quick... .so Ive still got healing to do, but the more I focus on me, the less I will think about her, and her bat s**t crazy ways... .

I deserve better!

It's good to hear you are still on your way up!

Thanks LoveLost  :)

I guess its just the realisation and acceptance that me and her will never work.  I'm 44 now and need to put my energy into me and the kids, not her.  She had her chance and I need fixing because of it... .This woman made me ill, but I don't hate her.  She can go live her life and I will go live mine.  It was certainly an experience I will never forget... .

I really really want to get at that point. I am still lost whether I want to continue this relationship later in the future or just let it at what it was and probably never see her again... it's so tough.

Believe me it's incredibly hard too for me. It's been 5 weeks since we split and 1 week NC. I've just had to snap out of my trance. I dont want to be treated like a door mat anymore... .I dont want to be ignored for days coz I said one wrong thing. I dont want to be weary of my partner when she drinks... .I don't want to be with someone that simply makes me feel like crap, when all I wanted to do was love her. I just cannot anymore. She broke me, but I'm bouncing back. All social media blocked and I know she won't text... .so I'm free now. And yeah I have my moments of sadness but it's defo for the best. I'm going for a pint with a female friend tonight... .and it is just a friend... .no hassle, no stress having to try and "ask" permission. I'm my own person again... .it's a tough  choice to make and I had to let her go, to save myself. I hope you work it out which way to go... .but feeling like you do sucks and will it always be like that if you got back together?

If she can't change making a problem out of everything... If she can't openly be happy and proud of our relationship... and if she can't be more interested in what is going on in my life and what I think is important, then yes, it will always be like this.
So basically, I need her to change the way she acts if this is going to work. I can live with insecurities etc. But instead of acting out crazy I would just like her to take the time to talk to me, and explain how she feels and why she is so jealous... .

Ha. That's what I used to say... .if only she'd change... .it's not going to happen... .you're just not compatible and there's a whole other world out there... .  you tried your hardest and they don't wanna know because they ain't right... .just understand that they just ain't wired right... .it's BPD for ya... .

Sorry, my response sounded quite harsh then... .it truly was not my intention. You do what you need to do... .I guess for me I'm at the end of my tether. I'm just not interested anymore in a woman that has treated me like this... .it's just my phase of detachment. I'm moving on and really enjoying my life without her... .I'm free