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It was her idea. We were going to meet this evening, hold hands by candlelight, and tell eachother how we feel.

It's been almost 3 weeks since she disengaged.

I can't help but hope that she will reach out today, and miraculously want to reconcile and mend things.

I know that she won't though.

She claims she never wanted to commit, blamed me for wanting the relationship and deflected accountability, twisted my words into insults, and invalidated how we fell in love. What we had was a 'ride' and 'just two people who did a series of totally weird things'.

She has cut me out and blocked me. I don't even know if she knows what her real reasons are for ending it. So how can I?

The last night we spent together she told me she loved me, and was knitting a sweater for my sister.

Then she disengaged two days later, and wouldn't throw me a rope. I panicked trying to fix it, couldn't give her space, crossed her boundaries via texts and a phone call, and she used it as ammunition to cut me out and be 'forever done' because of it.

I know that I was being held to a double-standard of staying calm and respecting her boundaries while she ripped away my sense of security by un-committing; my needs and boundaries were secondary to hers. The 'eggshells'.


I don't even want to go out and be single. The last two dates I had felt empty and meaningless. I don't even want a rebound. I'm afraid I'd just be comparing it to her the whole time. I love her.

Just hurting, ruminating, jaded and pissed that I actually believed she loved me.

Hey flaming spiral, I'm sorry to hear that you are in pain.  It's confusing to break up with a pwBPD, because they often behave in ways that seem irrational or unreasonable.  No, I doubt you will ever know the real reason why she ended it.  My guess is that it is part of the push/pull cycle inherent in every BPD r/s.  They fear abandonment, yet they push away those who get close to them.  It's paradoxical, I know, yet that's part of BPD.  Hang in there,

LuckyJim

Hi flamingspiral,

I'm sorry that you're going through this and I agree with you that you're not ready to date. The first anniversaries after the break up are the toughest. Hang in there.