BPDFamily.com

Now that I have spent hours on here reading peoples stories, seeing what my ex was. I have found a new look on things, and although it does remove my feelings of being fully responsible for everything falling apart. I am now at the stage of it hitting me like a tonne of bricks that this person, that I spent 8 years with, knows every single detail of my life, every fear, weakness, secrets... .only told me half-truths and small trinkets of who she was... .at best.

I pride myself on being intuitive and able to read a liar, and upon reflecting I see alot of times I saw flags or hints of stories that didn't add up and ignored them to take a chance at finding what I needed, a soulmate who loved me and accepted me (I have abandonment issues and low self esteem). I pushed these aside until I only saw my "soulmate" my "the one".

I am so disappointed and angry at myself for taking that chance, for falling for the lies. I've spent 2 months wondering why I was so bad, so worthless, that I could be left and replaced. purposely left with every birthday card, valentines gift or memento I got her, Like i deserved to have to be the one to look at and throw those things out. Like I was so bad she had to erase all traces of me in her new life.

The amount of self loathing I have put myself through because of this person is ridiculous. These posts I have read have taken some of that pressure off... but now I'm stuck with "This person I mourned, have had nightmares about, have lost sleep over, have cried liters of tears over... .wasn't who I was led to believe they were. Our bond wasn't special... .it was calculated. I wasn't special, I was part of a cycle that for her, will keep repeating.

I know this will pass... but its very overwhelming.

It is quite disturbing when you realize you choose to not look or made excuses for them.  Hindsight.  And we're only human, not super mind readers.  Sometimes ppl dont know when they are lying so, hey, they fool themselves too.  Just when I thought my life was over, nothing worse was yet to ever happen, my decade was over, I was dead inside, the man I sacrificed everything material and spiritual to out of love, gone... .I looked back, and I saw, I was not dead----I was reborn!  I had my whole life ahead of me :)  I try to allow myself to grieve so I can move on.  And I don't put a time limit on my tears.  I do encourage myself to take a step, when I can.  Take it easy, give yourself some love and do not let the actions of others tarnish your heart <3  That's what I say to me to keep me from turning into stone <3

After 6 years with my Husband, I am now learning about lying and BPD.  So, I am once again, dealing with lies but this time, I think it's the disorder not the person.  But, I am also on the rocks about it all, so this is too fresh for me now to confirm anything; I am trying to understand the disorder to discourage the lying... .hopes <3

Actually, the more I understand about red flags, mental disorders, lying, and the why's I am seeing (finally admitting) basically everyone in my blood family lies.  Tons of ppl through my life, lied.  I can see those people lying though.  It's almost natural to them.  I always knew they were liars but I also wanted love so made excuses.  Well, now that I am not making excuses, I am seeing SO MUCH.  Phew. 

Keep venting, it sure does help <3