BPDFamily.com

 So we broke up 1 week ago, she has been texting me how much she is struggling and how much she is crying every night. A lot of you probably already know the story, the girl was extremely sensitive to everything I said.  We had multiple break ups and multiple arguments but that's not the point of this post. I have been praying to God every night to give me a sign if I should have a hope or not. Tonight I went out with friends to a local restaurant, and when I left I was standing by the valet with my friends, I turned to my right guess Who I see? My ex holding hands with someone else passing right by me, looking at me with a depressed face, said hi and continued walking. She said something to  her guy, and the guy looked at me and they continued walking. This is the girl that was begging me to be with me two weeks ago saying I was the love of her life and that she cannot live without me and that she's been crying every single night. Yesterday I texted her that she was a fraud, said everything she ever told me was a lie and that was before I saw this. WHAT IS THE CHANCE I RUN INTO MY EX IN LA WHILE SHE IS WALKING WITH HER DATE.  How crazy is that? I've been asking God constantly, for a sign. I kept asking if this is the one for me  show me somehow, and if she's not the one for me please make it as easy as possible for me and show me. I have been so brokenhearted for the past two weeks, specially that she's constantly texting me. Right now all I can feel is shock to my core my heart is literally  bleeding, I feel like I just want to disappear. I cannot believe that she would do this. She has been texting me that she has been very depressed and crying every night but to go out on a date, granted I don't know how long she's known this guy , I cannot believe it. I cannot believe how I was tricked to believing that I was really the love of her life. She used to cry in my lap just two weeks ago asking me to give her a chance.  And the guy that she was with was a major downgrade, my friends saw my face and immediately focused on me. Asking me if I'm OK, all I can say is  yes I'm OK, but deep inside me I felt like there was a knife that has dug so deep in my core. The thing is I loved this girl so much, and the irony of this whole situation is that I believe she loves me too. Our connection was huge! The pain of the break up was not tolerable for her, and she had to go lay in somebody else's bed. I will never ever ever forgive this. I know she will end up reaching out, I don't know what I will say, if I should even respond,  I just feel like I hate her right now. I don't know who she is. As we speak she is  having sex with someone new just two weeks after being in my arms. Part of me wishes that she was different. I don't know how I'm gonna MoveOn from this. All I know is I want to forget her existence.  I kept trying to have fun for the whole night. My friends cannot and did not understand the intensity of what I was feeling, until now I did not shed one tear. I'm really trying to cry it out but nothing is coming out.  I am not sure if this is new founded strength, or the tears will come later I'm not sure. But all I know is it's over. I will never be able to forgive her even though  I want to be with her so bad. But the betrayal, is beyond beyond any emotions I've been feeling. Now someone might argue  that if we broke up 1 week ago, she has the right to date the next day right? No I disagree. If she has any value for our relationship, she would try to get it back, work on it, not jump into somebody else's bed right away. Has this ever happened to any of you guys? All I can think of right now is how to rebel. The pain that I'm feeling inside is beyond intense. I cannot get over how in the five minutes I was waiting for valet,  in an area where we never hung out, in a small street in the huge city of Los Angeles, where we never ever walk together, and I run into her holding hands with someone else. I'm ashamed to say this but I still believe she loves me with all she can offer of love, and more than she loved anyone. I'm ashamed to say that I still want to be with her but will not and cannot forgive her. I will never reach out to her, but I know she will in a matter of time. When we broke up last Oct and she started dating someone, she reached out every month telling me how much she misses me, loves me, and wants to have my kids. Then she broke up with him right when I ended my rebound too coincidentally and we got back together. We are drawn to each other insanely. But now she ruined it forever. Then I think, what if I didn't see or know? I'd still would give her a chance say next wk. Now, not on my dead body. I'm so sad I had hope that I have to let go. Where is the love she had for me? There is no way she doesn't love me. She came from Spain early after she escaped from our breakup, because she couldn't enjoy one day there. Came back to me crying on her knees. I'm in awe.

Freeatlast_1

Man, I can so relate. Trust me, I know how difficult it is. 6yrs together. The exact same thing happened to me in May. The week before Mothers day, she stayed at my house for her Birthday, I was the love of her life, best Birthday she’d ever had etc etc. But she wanted more commitment, because I was keeping her at arms length after she got into a relationship with someone else last year, but continued to text me the entire time. She then had me take her to go donate all of her moms clothing at the women shelter, as her Mother passed away 3yrs ago. Then she started a fight, and 5 days later, the day after Mothers day, boom, I’m rollerblading through the park, and there she is with another guy and his dog. I immediately felt relieved, for about a week, and then it hit me. And it hit me hard. It’s been 4 months, and I’m still dealing with it, in therapy, not very social, constantly thinking about her. Feel it fully, process it, get the help you need. I remember reaching the same conclusion, because I was to weak to walk away from her, that if the universe would give me a sign, I’d accept it. Well, that was my sign. As you said, unforgivable. But... .

She then started stalking. And leaving voicemails, even just 2 nights ago, called me from a random number which is picked up. We spoke. Her new BF, in my eyes, was a total downgrade. It appears to me that he is her drug dealer. Scrawny, shorter than her, dirty looking etc etc. But her reaching out keeps messing with my head. I’m trying my best to be no contact, but she keeps persisting.

Anyways, what I’m getting at, is I get it. It’s the worst feeling. But it does get better with time, slowly I’m coming around, and I know I can never go back to that, as it will just be the same thing over and over. I think thats the hardest part. We know they will always come back and make attempts, and it’s only over when we say it is. And by the looks of it, she’s trying to come back, so this will be the test, to withstand and defend my boundaries. Just as your ex will be back, eventually. Process it and get as healthy as possible, because you don’t want to go back. It isn’t worth it. The pain you’re feeling now, sure, if she comes back it will be relieved temporarily, but only to happen again. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to go through this another time.

  Very sorry you are going through this. I am going through a divorce after accepting the fact my husband has been cheating. Cheating has been my biggest fear in any relationship. My husband knew this( hence why he hid this behavior so well). I was blind sighted, I can not understand how he can do this to his wife.
   During our relationship, He would disappear for days, weeks, then months at a time. I reduced my behavior to snooping in his journals to find out who he really was. I found out so much about him.
    This is his M.O. in all of his relationships. If he keeps a target around for more then a few weeks, she ended up leaving him for the same reasons I am. I found Dr's notes diagnose he was BPD, and lab work positive for hep C.
   I am out of the denial about his behavior, and coming to except that his BPD  is a big reason why he ends up destroying all of his relationships and his partners are casualties of a war he will never  win.
 After I got past fully blaming him, I have had some insight . Before I found his journals, I had ignored many signs that told me I was in emotional danger. Why did I tolerate behavior that I would never do to some one else?  Why was constant pain and turmoil not enough for me to leave with out questioning if this was worth saving?  I know for me, the pain of staying had to be greater then the pain of ending the relationship. I now have to deal with both, all the pain from the relationship I buried b/c I stayed, and the torture of it ending .