BPDFamily.com

There's so much stress in not knowing something. Aside from the pain itself, it seems the most prominent theme on all of these boards and especially the "crisis" board. What will our friend/loved one do next? Are they gone for good or just for now? How to handle this situation?

Lately I've been aware of how I personally handle not knowing. I had a very influential person in my life who practiced Zen Buddhism. While I don't advocate any particular faith or faith vs. agnosticism or atheism, I've found some quotes that address this.

The first site I paraphrase to keep kosher because I did not request permission to quote. The writer compares the emotional mind to the elephant and the rational mind to the rider. He says we fear uncertainty, which can trigger a battle between these two minds as we try to think and feel our way to anticipating the outcome of a given situation. Continuing the metaphor, he says when there's sufficient tension between the two minds, the elephant often takes over. He recommends observing our emotions, detaching from them a bit. Which is not to say shutting them down (as I understand him), it's more like keeping the rider's perspective a little more at the forefront than the elephant's.

Credit to this site for the above: https://secularbuddhism.com/the-fear-of-uncertainty/ (ftp://https://secularbuddhism.com/the-fear-of-uncertainty/)

The second writer suggests adding "I don't know" to the end of our thoughts. Not because we don't know certain things but because we can be partially correct, wholly mistaken, or correct but a moment later the circumstances/reality have shifted, and if our certainty calcifies we can stop observing with an open mind. This site has a creative commons license so I quote directly:

"As a Buddhist practice, not-knowing leads to more than an intimacy and open mind. It can be used as a sword to cut through all the ways that the mind clings. If we can wield this sword until the mind lets go of itself and finally knows ultimate freedom, then-not knowing has served its ultimate purpose."

Source: insightmeditationcenter.org/books-articles/articles/not-knowing/ (ftp://insightmeditationcenter.org/books-articles/articles/not-knowing/)

So, in keeping with this topic don't call me wised up, maybe wise arse, because I don't know anything.   :)

Hey wisedup22, I suspect that the stress you describe often derives from trying to control someone (usually our Ex) who is clearly beyond our control, which is where the Serenity Prayer comes in.  Letting go of the outcome is hard, but leads to freedom.

LuckyJim

Hi wisedup22,

I'd like to share an article with you and the members that helps in times of distress

Triggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind (https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind)

Hey Lucky Jim, you're right, we certainly can't control anyone else, it's hard enough to master our own behavior which involves not controlling, but managing our own emotions. I'm going through big changes in life now, moving to another state and new leg of career... .all things I've chosen to do and am excited about, but there is a great deal of uncertainty. Trying to plan and break down the big things into smaller steps while staying in the moment. A good stretch/test for me.

The elephant/rider metaphor is similar to the second step in the five stages of detachment in the box.


Love that!

And from the Dhammapada... .

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought: it is founded on our thoughts, it is made up of our thoughts.

If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him, as the wheel follows the foot of the ox that draws the carriage…

If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him."

To add... .the above is not to make judgment on anyone, I don't believe this was the intent. Evil is just our ego, which we all possess. So we all have plenty of 'evil' moments and plenty of pain, and we're all on a path, to the extent we choose, to realize more clear understanding of ourselves, what's true etc. To me the above speaks to our incredible gift of free will to carve our own path and use mental muscles to go in a better direction or succumb to a lot of the ills we can slide into, individually and collectively.