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Title: Blaming most of what i experience on my wife Post by: Kronos on September 18, 2017, 03:29:52 PM I've been in my current relationship for 10-plus years. My wife was diagnosed BPD/OCD/ADHD in junior high. Our relationship has gone through many permutations of the drama triangle. 4.5y ago we had a daughter. 2 years ago I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. The last two weeks it feels like every interaction that I have with my wife results in raised voices and my having to take a timeout. I feel like my wife regularly attacks me with her tone, with her volume, and with the words that she chooses to use. I react with a poor me/defensive posture and regularly blame her for my reaction. (i.e. "I wouldn't react this way if you just acted like you loved me instead of attacking me."I know that my reactions are my responsibility, but I'm feel like I have very little control. Does anybody have any advice about how I can Stop reacting negatively to the sound of my wife's voice? Thanks
Title: Re: Blaming most of what i experience on my wife Post by: Mutt on September 18, 2017, 05:52:44 PM Hi Kronos,
*welcome* I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm glad that you have found us, I'd suggest to read as much as you can about the disorder, you'll quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time. A pwBPD have low self esteem, low self worth, self loath and self hate and need a lot of validation, feelings equals facts to a pwBPD, try validating what she feels first and package your truth at the end. Can you share an example of what she says / does? VIDEO | Validation and Invalidation - Alan Fruzzetti, PhD (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=206132) Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating) Title: Re: Blaming most of what i experience on my wife Post by: Radcliff on September 19, 2017, 02:48:25 AM Welcome, Kronos! Mutt had some great questions, so let us know what you think.
I have found that it helps me to identify the moment when I feel the defensive comments about to emerge from my mouth and then take a deep breath and squelch them. I used to get very defensive at every negative remark. The first couple of times I managed to not be defensive, she was very surprised. She totally expected a fight. It really helped calm things down. One of the problems was that I found myself getting defensive on something when she was right! Don't expect yourself to be perfect. Congratulate yourself if you manage to avoid being defensive even once. Then try to repeat the feat, and get a string of successes. If you fall off the wagon, just get back at it. Wentworth Title: Re: Blaming most of what i experience on my wife Post by: Tattered Heart on September 19, 2017, 08:33:11 AM HI Kronos,
Welcome! You've found a great place for support and help. I know what it's like to get reactionary to my pwBPD. It's easy to do after a period of them pressing your buttons. It sounds like you do see that you could change how you respond, but you're just having difficulty figuring out how. Could you share an example of how a conversation might start and then how it goes downhill? We have 2 really great communication skills that I think might help you. They are: 1. Validate (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating) 2. Don't JADE (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0) Both of these have completely changed the way my conversations with my H go. Validate doesn't mean you have to agree with your pwBPD, but you empathize with how they feel. Don't JADE stops you from trying to justify, apologize, defend, or explain things to your pwBPD, which leads them to think you are being invalidating. |