BPDFamily.com

Hello, first time ever doing something like this .  I am finally leaving my BPD wife and it is tearing me apart... she has done everything she could possibly do to mess me up.  She fought with me for years,  and when we finally broke it off, she totally did a 180, and has been totally nice, very sexual,  and it is a weak spot of mine. We are separated,  and i still break down and be intimate with her. This has been the hardest fee weeks of my life.  She is literally killing me.  She has also threatened me, almost got physical,   tear me down and point out my weaknesses.  I cant even remember all the abuse lately.  I have to stay in contact for financial reasons,  no kids, but just regular life stuff. I feel like im dying of a broken heart.  I guess what i need to know is  should i  go no contact. I am scared to.   It is sick but i am still afraid of finally losing her.

 Any advice would be appreciated,  thanks

Why was she so abusive before and so tempting now?  Ponder that.  Before, you were her Whipping Boy and you probably appeased her in every way she demanded.  Now, you separated and all of a sudden she realized you had set Boundaries, this far and no farther, so she switched and now is (successfully thus far) drawing you back.

It's a roller coaster, an endless one, you're lifted up and then dashed down.  You know that's not a healthy relationship.  It's dysfunctional.

Over the years I've come to realize that very few people manage to recover from BPD or other acting-out PDs on their own.  They need a therapist, experienced, not gullible or easily conned.  The therapist is emotionally neutral, not like you who reeks, pardon the expression, of a close emotional relationship which is too much emotional baggage for them to overcome.  People with BPD exhibit more intense dysfunctional behaviors the closer the relationship.  And who is closer than a spouse?  So the heart of the matter is whether she is in therapy, applying diligently the counsel and doing so for the long term, not just a couple sessions.  If she is not in progressing therapy or refuses it then she is unlikely to change.

So the current sweetness will probably fade away when she is triggered or you lose control of your Boundaries... .unless she is in therapy and progressing toward realistic recovery.

You mentioned you have no children together.  That makes separation and Letting Go a little less difficult.  Best to keep it that way, be the one in control of birth control methods, avoid the "oops" she may spring on you.  Be forewarned that if you do have children it will make your life, your Boundaries, your future even more complicated.  Having children does not fix a PD dysfunctional relationship.  I know, I tried, I thought having a child together would make my then-spouse happy, instead she relived her traumatic childhood through our son, it made our relationship more dysfunctional and our marriage imploded within a few years.  I'm now parenting separately.  Our son was 3 years old when we separated, he's 15 now and I sometimes refer to our imploding marriage and 8 years in domestic court as my Lost Decade.

Thank you for your response

Welcome Ragnar51 

How are things going at present?  What did you decide upon regards NC?  Update us and we can help you through adopting the right approach for you with your situation.  Divorce can be very painful and none more so than with a pwBPD.  I feel for you.  Things can and do get better, so hang in there.   

Members here can relate to your anguish and support you.  It's a tough journey out of a BPD r/s and we're all at various stages ourselves so you're in the right place.  Here is a good article that might be helpful to you.  It clarifies the intention of NC and how best to use it for yourself.  I found it really useful when I was considering NC at the end of my own r/s and it set me on the right path for myself.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way (https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way)

Love and light x

I'm sorry you are going through this. You came to a great place. There are lots of great folks here that can help you see through the fog. I know I would not have been as good as I'm doing now without this community.

I can very much relate to the post-breakup "fishing" state. They can throw everything at you again to make sure they get back into control, and that includes being very seductive and sexual. I can tell you right now that it is not worth it!

How long were you guys together? I'm going to guess that when you guys first met it was like walking on sunshine? When did things go wrong?

Have you considered seeing a therapist? Sometimes just verbally venting and having a therapist reflect on everything really helps. My friends sometimes just wouldn't quite understand the BPD experience, however much they tried.

-SJ

I second HQ's advice on NC. NC is a critical part of the recovering process. When you are still in the "fog" ( the emotional turmoil, manipulation, and gaslighting ) that the pw(person with)BPD uses, it's hard to reflect on yourself.

You have triggered some of her worst fears by leaving, so she is going back to her basic survival mechanisms. NC is a great thing to consider.

How is this going?