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I received a missed call at lunch.  I googled the number and its her landline... . and now Ive just received this email... .


Not sure how to deal with this... .any advice?  I haven't blocked her number and she only has 2 old cookbooks at mine... . 

Hmm, she's making it seem as if there are more belongings than just the 2 cookbooks. Since she's broken NC I would probably reply politely, civil and to the point, asking her which belongings she's referring to and if it is indeed just those books, then I'd ship them.

No need to let yourself get sucked into anything just because there's some practical things like this.

Yeah... .  don't like this TBH... .Just started sweating again... .

I replied saying whats remaining and that I haven't blocked her number... .and she called me and left a voice mail asking me to ring her back to organise stuff.  She knows I don't like being rude and shes playing on that.  I was doing really well aswell

Well, don't do anything you don't want to do. It's ridiculous to do this stuff over the phone while she initiated contact through email. I would wait for an email reply and ignore that voicemail. Does she know you don't want verbal communication?

She called from her landline first, then I got the email.  She hasn't called from her mobile phone or texted from it, so I can only assume she hasn't paid her bill again.  I replied to her on text.

I really really do not need this.  No Ive not said anything about verbal comms.  We just stopped texting organically 9 or so days ago and this is the first day either of us have been in touch. 

She wants me to call her, but I don't want to do what she wants me to do anymore.  She sounded very happy and wished I was well... . 

Don't need it

Stay cool. She just wants her stuff. This is just a routine functional communication.  *)

What property of hers do you have?

Ok thanks Skip!   Its just thrown me a bit. 

All there is, is a cookbook and a book on growing vegetables.  And she said shes got some stuff of mine.  That's the issue with her though, you just never know!

So you think I should just ring and get it over with?

Thanks Skip.

I rang her, not to connect, just to get it out of the way before I saw your message.

I said I would leave the books in the usual place in the front garden.  She asked how I was, I said I'm ok.  She asked how things were and I said "not much has changed, work is still boring... ." She then asked if I had been out much and I said "yeah a bit".  I asked how she was and she said "average".  Each time she asked a question I delayed my response as if to not be interested... .and then... .she asked... .
"So have you been out on any dates?"... .  I paused for about 15 seconds and said "that's a strange question"... .  and she said "I'm just asking".  So I said "err no".  And then I said "Ok I'll leave your stuff out tomorrow", and she said "Ok I'll sort it tomorrow", then that was it.
I didn't seem interested in asking her any questions, coz TBH I don't want to know what shes been up to.  Don't know if she has a new fella, don't know anything and that's the way I want to keep it.

Taken me aback a bit.

And now Ive just received another email... .

Hi,

Thank you for answering and getting in touch and thank you for answering all I needed to know.

Take care


So shall I just leave it now?  Do I respond?

and the final email... .


Hi,

Thank you for answering and getting in touch and thank you for answering all I needed to know.sorry if this has come through twice it said it wouldn't send

Take care

Hi,confusedbloke,

My take on this is that "all I needed to know" likely refers to the fact that you are not dating anyone else.  I responded to a similar question from my ex about whether or not I was seeing someone, and he has since upped the intensity and frequency of his contact, thinking that there is now an opening for another recycle.  Like your ex, he also has some stuff still at my house….wish it was as easy to ship out as cookbooks.  Take that advice and mail them back, because otherwise she may take the opportunity to escalate attempts to contact/recycle.  I'm sorry- when we're trying to detach this is the last thing we need!

Confusedbloke, if you are really done with her, I wouldn't reply to the latest email. You did your part and things got sorted out. It sounds to me she is testing the waters. i have done this in a similar way to try and reconnect with my ex. Realising now I only made things worse with her bc of doing so.

I am done with her... .Its just knocked me off balance a bit.  Ive calmed down now.  And yes I agree, she is testing the waters.  But still she has now crossed a boundary by asking me that question.  And I don't want my boundaries crossed again.  I couldn't say "I don't want to answer that" in case it triggered her.  So I just told the truth.

I actually want to say "mind your own effing business, its got nothing to do with you"... .  But where would that get me?  I would find myself buried deep in another crazy non-sensical argument and be back to square one.

I simply replied "no worries, take care too".

And yeah chillamom, I will be putting the books outside the front garden tomorrow and she can pick them up during the day... .  And we certainly don't need this when we are trying to detach... .

Welcome to my world, my friend. My diagnosed exBPGgf breaks NC several times a week.

I have her blocked from every facet. It will take years before she stops emailing me. I promise if I unhide my special gmail folder I had to put together there would be at least 2-3 a week. She cannot stop, even after me begging and pleading with her to stop as it's painful.

I call this act "Fishing" and it will likely continue for a long time.

Hey super, I feel for ya. Yeah it's done my head in a little bit today... .as normal I'm now thinking what was her intention there. I know her and it wouldn't surprise me if she engineered all this in the hope that I will ask her if she's dating, only for her to say yes. In fact the more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that's the reason. Anyway I'll never know, as with anything for the last 2.5 years with her.

It did however prompt me to cancel my date on Friday. I'm just not ready yet. I want to enjoy my single life without complication.

Oh yea, my ex was pretty brilliant about crafting up and staging reasons to reach out to me. If I was a betting man, I'd put money on it.

There will be more coming. It doesn't even matter if they are with someone else. She would text me when she was in his bathroom telling me about how the night was going to try to invoke jealousy.

I told her I wasn't the only one hurting and you doing stuff like this rips my heart out even more. I pleaded for her to stop - but they really don't consider your feelings. It's about getting what they need.I'm not saying they are evil... .just as evil as a four-year-old child not getting what they want.

 I'm already trading in my illusion of my " dream girl " for my overall health and sanity. Although I realize a healthy relationship would never be possible, giving up on the idea that it could have happened is a very hard pill to swallow.

You aren't really helping them either. I knew that when I would reply and start the recycle protocol again it was going to hurt her again and I never want to hear her cry over the phone again. I know she will find someone else and get hurt again - but it will not be me. I love her too much to cause her pain and I love myself and my little girls too much to have them have a dad who has a scrambled head who is addicted to the sound of incoming text pings on his smartphone.


I'm not sure if I would go back in time though and undo meeting her that I would do so. We had great times and I learned a lot about myself. I ask myself that sometimes and honestly cannot answer it.

I can certainly say without shadow of a doubt, that my ex was NOT my dream girl.  She was at first for a short time, but as time progressed and the real woman came out, I slowly came to despise her.

A dream girl I think is possible.  I guess its how we define term "dream girl".  My definition is a woman I cannot keep my hands with a beautiful personality.  An actual lovely woman... .not the Glenn Close character from Fatal Attraction that I seemed to have last time.  A woman that has slightly deafened my ear.
She was an abuser and I don't want that in my life at all. I just got carried away with her because I was blind-sided, dazed, confused and exhausted.  I didn't know what day it was.  My mind was all consumed with her... .Wow what the heck?

Ive never met anyone like her before, and I never will again.  I tried a different type of woman and it didnt pay off... .You win some, you lose some.

Im pretty disappointed in her today for getting in touch.  She needs to just go and live her life.  I don't care what her reasons were for getting in touch... .Ive spent 29 months trying to figure what the hell shes playing at while I was with her... .  I wont be doing it now I'm not.
I dont trust her, I dont like her and I certainly do not love her. 

She has been horrible to me when Ive been lovely to her, illness or not is irrelevant.  She is pure toxin and hate and theres not a chance in this world would I get back with her.

If youre right in what you are saying that she may try this again, I will respond but with utter stagnancy.  She will not get a rise out of me again, because thats what she loves and Im taking that power away from her.  I do not want to be with a woman who wants to dominate me and make me feel so bad, when I looked after her... .

But as you say, I have learned a lot about myself and relationships and Im only going to see this as a positive before I get over her and move on and find a decent lady to share my love and life with... .!

You were right - she called again today to say that she cant pick the stuff up now.  Only reason I didn't ship the stuff is because she said shes got stuff of mine and her books are heavy and I didn't want to pay for the postage.  I told her that I don't want to be in contact anymore, and that what I do from now on is my business.  She then replied to say "I already knew the answer about the date", despite what you said... .and then I stupidly responded with "Why do you want to know if I went on a date?"... .  She responded with "Just drop the stuff off"... .  Haha - standard!  Shes nothing if not predictable... .

So I said ok... .but then I said "This is childish.  I'll meet you at the shop car park and swap there... ."  I just want her out of my life and the sooner I do it, the sooner I can get her away... .  But I have a feeling this is not the end... .  It is for me, but I reckon superjew could be right... .  I don't think I'm going to hear the last of it

I am envious of your quick realization of what is going on. Trust me more will follow. It will be silly, childlike, and she will try to get a rise out of you. This may last a month or go on for years.

When I say dream girl, I refer to the girl that they present at first. The times where they mirror us. Where they are into all the things we are into and whatnot. The good times.

I say that I love her... .but maybe I really don't. SHE WAS NOT MY DREAM GIRL. She is the one who cheated on me so many times, lied to me so many times, stressed me out of my mind. It was hell. I shouldn't love someone who does that to me. You are right.

I guess what I'm mourning is the idea of having a happy and healthy relationship. It was just an idea that could never manifest with this girl.

The worst part about it was the lying. That was the absolute worst part. Lying was built into her core so tightly that she did it without knowing. She had a lucid moment where we talked about this and she told me it just happens without her thinking about it and she regrets it right after, but it's too late and then they build off of it.

As far as your interaction... .I wouldn't meet her. I would get a box and post all of her sh*t to her. She will have another excuse to contact you later, worry not about that.

Put 50 pounds or dollars or whatever in your box for her and cut your losses.

It's a dance. You are dancing, too. Everyone is talking in code.  :)

I posted this in another thread, but it fits here, too.

Hey Skip,

It wasn't my intention, but yes I have danced that much that I've worn my feet away. And I'm tired of it. Its time to rest my weary legs!

I was trying to remain calm and meet her in person because she was just delaying and holding on to the stuff... .to maintain the control and hold. I couldn't meet her before because it was too painful... .I was perhaps showing myself and her that I'm ok now and alright to see her to swap the stuff. But of course when i suggested that i didnt hear a thing back. I'm not in love with her. In fact I'm loving being single but every time I get a text I get lost in a vortex and I lose me head. She is not the one for me and never will be. I want her out of my life for good. I'll post on my other thread what i did in the end... .

Cheers!

I know what you mean when you talk about the feeling you get when you get the text. If I allowed communication to come through and received a text - my heart would start pounding and palms would get sweaty - Kind of like a PTSD reaction.

 It is a dance. I chose to remove myself from that waltz because it was tearing me up and it was never going to meet my relationship/life goals. I look back at some of the recycling/breakup conversations I would engage in and I'm just embarrassed.

It sounds like you have your head together a lot more than I did and I feel confident that you will probably do better than I did!

I've just had enough mate. Completely done.

What's your situation now?  They ain't worth it. You're kind and caring. Dont waste it on someone who cannot understand what you do for them. There's a whole other world out there... .you telling her that she's breaking your heart when she texts you from her lovers room is just cruel... .it's wrong. Illness or not. You sound like you've had hell like me. It's time to assess the situation. As Morgan Freeman says in shawshank... ."get busy living, or get busy dying". Enough is enough. They are completely unable to understand our love. Give it yo yourself... .I'm done!

You are completely right. My friends do this to me all the time they say hey "sj" , do you realizing what she is doing to you or what she did to you. It's not until I stand back and let the fog clear that I'm able to realize " Holy sh*t, that was horrible and I could never in a million years do that to someone I care about.

I still don't think they are evil or cruel, it's just that they are emotionally undercooked. I don't think the four year old who lashes out at his playmate for wanting to share his toy car is evil.

There are so many stories I have like this. My life is so much better without all that. I have no drama now. Thanks for the kind words. My objective is to find a healthy companion that does consider my feelings and I would consider hers. I do believe pwBPD have a diminished ability to feel empathy and very low object permanence. If I had to take off to the UK for a bit, she would immediately start hanging out with her ex-bf after dropping me off at the airport... .like I didn't exist at all. I would find out about all these things with time. When you lie so often it's hard to keep everything together.

and you are right again - the world is pretty freaking big. There are soo many other potential partners, friends, things to do, places to go, etc... .  It's not smart just to focus on one little tiny aspect of life and let it run you into the ground.

I have not seen her in nearly two months and no contact for nearly a month now. I had to write a script that would empty out my gmail spam folder automatically so I wasn't tempted to read what she would email me as I worked on getting my stuff together.

I signed up for eHarmony and I've been on a few pleasant dates. I'm just taking it slow right now and I'm enjoying the new company and it's helping me realize that yes, there are other women out there. Healthier women.

I'm also not obsessed with the whole dating thing too. I'm just coming out of my bluesy slump and now starting to find things interesting again so I'm alright. I hopefully have learned my lesson again from the last recycle.

I think we've had similar experiences. My only one concern, if you don't mind me saying, is that you seem to want to replace her. I personally have no desire to be with anyone at the moment. I'm 44, divorced with 3 kids that I adore and they do, me. I want to discover me. I do feel lonely. But id rather be lonely than be with a woman that's horrible to me. And besides, the loneliness is only there for a short while. I get out and chat and have fun. I don't need this woman and neither do you. You deserve better. The thing to remember is that we have the capacity to grow and they don't without help.

I'm not starting a hate campaign btw, I'm starting a love campaign for ourselves!