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 It's 30 days today NC, my husband moved all his belongings out yesterday. I arranged for my brother in law to be help him. I have been fighting the urge to contact him for any stupid reason. I know if I want to get out of this toxic marriage I must let him go. It has been building for a few days. Since I have NC my bro in law is our mediator.  He has mentioned a couple of times that my husband is having a hard time, he doesn't  think his bad behavior was done to hurt me. Yesterday he came over and said he had a talk with him, he asked why he has not signed the divorce papers. My husband said he has been making excuses, he is sad and does not want the divorce. He said that he would sign today. I realize I do not either, but feel like I have to. I have thought and thought about how toxic the marriage is now, and do not see it getting better. I am not sure I am ready to let go. I am struggling with be willing to let go will . I then think of his behavior and question my sanity. I can't believe how difficult this has been. I thought after yet another round of humiliation, I would have had ENOUGH! I had myself convinced that he was the ill one, and that I was over it.
 Now I feel so bad about myself for loving someone that did not love  or respect me at all. I don't feel any stronger, I wonder if this is ever going to end.

I think to have a wobble about divorce is to be expected, under any circumstances.  Promises were made, vows spoken, commitment intended.  Then there is the PD factor, whereby relationships are intense, behaviours in our partners lead us to question ourselves, and there is the associated FOG. 

From what I'm seeing in your post I'm not surprised that you're having some doubts.  Your H collecting his things is bound to have a finality about it which can cause some foreboding and sense of loss around the relationship and your hopes for it.  Then to hear that he is feeling sad and doesn't want the divorce is going to strike a chord in you.  I'm sure anyone would be feeling as you are under the circumstances.  It is all very painful. 

Perhaps try to see this not as an end, but a beginning.  The beginning of something better, however things play out.  You seem sure that how things were isn't good for you, so things must be different one way or another for your sake.  What is important is that you take good care of yourself and accept that you are bound to have mixed feelings and worries at this time.  It's a difficult time and you need to treat yourself with kindness at the moment.  Do the simple things like eating well, sleeping enough, taking care of your health.  Be with loving friends and family.  Do the things you enjoy doing.  These things will help you to restore balance to your body and mind.  Whatever the future holds, this time out now will help you to cope and build your strength for tomorrow. 

We're here for you through this so take full advantage.

Love and light x

Hi confused4now,

*welcome*

I'd like to echo  C<||| Harley Quinn, it's hard to look into the future when you're going through divorce, it helps to lean on others on difficult times like these, Harley Quinn mentioned self care, don't beat yourself up.

I completely understand how it's hard to feel strong in times like these, i'd like to share a quote with you.