BPDFamily.com

Today is one of my only kid free nights in the month for now.

I am getting better, but I still hit patches of depression for a bit at least once a day. I am in one of those patches.

I just hate that they are so good at convincing us; that we are not good people, that they love us so much (which makes one think you're unlovable and lucky). And for someone like me, who was so desperate to have someone love them, it intertwined into so much of my life and subconscious.

Then they move on easily to the next "mark" without a care and the NON is stuck trying to make sense of it all, and have to process the actual emotions, almost for two in a way.

Sorry if I use this board too much to vent... .I'm still processing alot.

I think it's good to keep venting. I do find it hard to reply with some constructive feedback the last days, since I feel kinda lost most of the time myself.
Good part is, you are getting better! :) Indeed it is a really hard fight and it hurts a lot to have to let go of someone you still love. I understand you have this feeling of, carrying the emotions for two. One of my earlier "temp" T's once said to me, you were/are carrying this relationship by yourself. No wonder you are breaking down. It sort of gave me some better feelings for someone to acknowledge that back then. Stay strong and continue to improve your own well-being! And ofcourse, it is okay to feel these emotions as well. There is nothing wrong with feeling like this sometimes, this is who we are and what we have been through.

Hi Ironman,

Don't apologise for posting!  That's what the board is here for.  It would be a sorry state of affairs if people were not posting here and bottling things up instead.  It is to be expected that you've a lot to process and working through that stage is healthy and part of the healing, so ask away.  Have you taken a look at the lessons?  These helped me to see where I found myself at any given stage was normal and to be expected.  We bounce around so don't worry about the dips, they come with the territory.  What you will find is these will decrease and ease in intensity over time.  You're doing great.  Keep going.

Lesson 1 Healing - the big picture (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=37613.msg347360#msg347360)

I hope you're doing something positive for yourself and enjoying time with your kids.  Keep us posted how you're doing.

Love and light x

Feeling better today, went with my mom and one of my kids to the city for a thing and it was nice to get out and stop thinking about this crap.   I do take a sick pleasure in the fact that our 1.5 yr old refuses to sleep the night with her mother... .like today im getting whined at about her waking up often... .meanwhile the little angel is out at 730pm-630am with me. So its a little win for me i guess haha. so today im feeling ok.