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Well, after she has cheated on me and replaced me seems like she is back. Typical of borderlines, her current relationship isn't going well so therefore, what am i? Back up plan.

As i seek revenge, i see now as the perfect timing. She'll seek a back up and come to me, then i'll play my role, use her and make her face her biggest fear in the worst way possible: Abandonment.

I know it's literally dancing with the devil but revenge is always worth taking a chance.

Infected, only you can yourself judge what action is necessary on your part. 

People have relationships and every relationship is different.

"Giving her a taste of her own medicine" may be a means of revenge.  It depends on if you are through with the relationship or you want to stay together.

When we hurt we think of sending the pain back to the person who gave it to us.

Being in a BPD/NPD relationship means constant pain when the pwBPD splits us black. 

Again, only you can decide which action is next for you.

Only you can decide what you want to do in life. In truth I understand the urge to give someone a taste of their own medicine. However, it has always been my experience that anytime I've chosen to stoop to a level of that nature I've regretted it. I want to be a person of integrity. I suspect you do too. Otherwise the relationship you had with your pwBPD wouldn't have hurt you so badly. Perhaps its one of those moments where the right thing to do is the hardest one. Even if that is being the bigger person and retaining your dignity and integrity. Only you can decide but I suspect you already know that you want something better for yourself. Otherwise you wouldn't have posted here. I wish you peace in your decision. You re not alone. 

Thank you for your replies.

I truly have to do this in order to be in peace with myself, unfortunately... .What would be your advice to make a borderline paint us white again? That is going from black to white. I'd say that im in the middle of that since she's back, otherwise she wouldnt be back.

What im asking is, how do you make a BPD trust you again? Do you play the role you used to play and treat them like victims and offer them endless attention?

Infected, loving a person with BPD is almost like being a parent to a small child.  You don't punish a child for acting out and being a child.  What you need to do if you love that person is give firm boundaries.  If you love that person, that is.

There is no way to "get" a pwBPD to paint us white again.  It's all something they need to decide.

If you don't love the person, that leaves the door open for a number of behaviours on your part.   It depends on what your aim is.  Right now you want to hurt your ex in the manner she hurt you. 

  Why?

I haven't done this kind of revenge, but the times I have found myself angry and yelling at someone with BPD it has been like the statement " peeing into the wind".  Because of the projection/denial- bad feelings on their part seem to be deflected and back at me. Sometimes it causes a dissociation to the point of amnesia- they don't remember the angry backlash at me and so the idea of teaching them a lesson doesn't work. I then feel worse about how I behaved than they do.

This doesn't mean they are not accountable for their actions. They may be emotionally like a child in ways, but they are not intellectually delayed- and legally- they are accountable. However, there are other "teachers"- one is natural consequences. If you are a criminal- you go to court/jail. if you steal, like or don't treat people kindly- they don't want to be around you. There are ways people experience the consequences of their behaviors without you doing something hurtful to them.

If you plan to leave the relationship- work on your own detachment. Either end of the emotional spectrum between loving and being so angry you want to hurt someone is still an emotional investment and a focus on her, not you. Sleeping with someone for revenge is playing with emotional fire, and also biological fire. What if your plan results in a pregnancy? Your questions- how to get her to paint you white- show an attempt to act on her feelings rather than heal your own.

It's your choice, but IMHO the way out of a relationship is to not interact in either way- love, anger, revenge- but to take charge of our own emotions and let it go. She may have hurt you, but you can heal the emotional hurt without trying to hurt her back - and because of the projection mechanism it may not have the effect you intend it to.

I understand your impulse, you're grieving and your pride is hurt. But it's very doubtful you'll be satisfied once you've done this. Maybe at first you'll make yourself feel better, but at some point you'll know the type of self-loathing that plagues her. I hope you'll re-consider this idea.

Feeling like highlightng a bit of Notwendy's words:

The way some of us find peace is directing attention inwards.  
Treating ourself as tho we are worthy of such self care and care enough about ourself enough to be worth directing the energies to ourself.
Learning to provide for ourself what we feel we missed out on or longed for from this other person.
Idk
That is what has brought me peace.
Inner peace does not depend on another
We create it within ourself.

Looking inward... .was no easy task.
Sometimes I did not want to face myself.

... .

Way I see it is behaviors speak louder than words.
Putting any attentioon on her, especially negative attention states that you feel any connection to her is more important to you than you... .because otherwise you would be caring for you, you would simply be off enjoying you without involving her.  It communniicates issues with self worth, and self soothing.

I would not want my ex to be expoosed to such vulnerabilities in my self as he cannot be trusted with such.

Why are you not off enjoying yourself?
Are you making your happiness tied into her somehow, dependent on another, or some outcome?

What (limiting beliefs) prevents you from being content all on your own?

I would be VERY careful in doing this.  BPDs are not mentally there.  When she finds out you did this to intentionally hurt her, she could easily file rape charges against you.  In her mind, it will twist so that's what you did.

Be glad you are out of these mind games.  You cannot fix her, you cannot make her feel true remorse.  She will not 'see the light' because you are now there for her again.  They don't think like us.  Don't let her get to into your head.  They can become very vicious.

Leave.  No contact.  Get therapy for yourself, set short-term goals for you and accomplish them.  I've been married 13 yrs now to one and so wish I was out of the marriage, but can't right now due to my daughter.

If you do this, you will be playing with fire and get burned bad, worse than what you are feeling now.

Notwendy was close.  A much better analogy is "peeing on a fan" (that is blowing at you).

Another question, what possible good could come out of this, compared to what possible bad?


I've done revenge before (not exactly like you describe... but the concept) and it's not as satisfying as you would think.

Much better to have boundaries and let them figure out their own lessons, rather than overtly and purposefully trying to teach them a lesson.

Because... they will likely not get the lesson you want them to get... .

I'm glad you were open and vulnerable with us about your plans... feelings... wants.  Completely natural to feel that way. 

Let your mind and your feelings work together to make good decisions.


FF

You're talking about it wanting to be revenge but then you're saying you want to know how to have her paint you white

You have to make a decision

___ing with my ex physically made things 100x worse if not more.

Revenge is not worth it, whatever ridiculous notion of it you may hold.

If her actions hold so much power over your feelings and actions, she owns you more than you might expect. 
I believe that the opposite of crazy is still crazy.
Eventually, you will have to make peace with what is, and separate yourself.
I hope you find a way to resolve the craziness in your life. I know it is torture.

I understand wanting revenge I think everyone does.

But it sounds like you are still wrapped up in her. Like others have said.

I couldn't perform, to me my x was the ugliest person in the world, not attractive at all. Has nothing to do with the way she looked it was the way she treated me, the things she said to me.

You want revenge, go no contact, put yourself in control.

@ Hisaccount - [TMI warning] quick tangent - I know what you mean.  When, upon the rare occasion, my uBPDw and I do get together for intimacy it's really, shall we say hard, to get ready.  I think that I see her as the whole person now.  As though through a timeless window, I now see the rages and hurt, the manipulation, and my sadness over the years.  I can usually satisfy her / us, but finishing is more because of a "I have to get laid or I'm going to die" feeling. 
Sorry for the tangent, but, I am backing you up on your feelings you expressed.

Actually, not. Some people want revenge. It's generally associated with a narcissistic wound (note, this doesn't mean everyone feeling revenge is a narcissist  :) ).

There is a huge difference between feeling revenge and enacting it. That  number number is much smaller.

I have only to read one or two members find satisfaction in revenge - I have read many with remorse or fear or post revenge injury. We had one member dump his gf when she went into the hospital. He ended up with the biggest injury in the end.

But you're angry and hurt. Having these feelings is OK.