BPDFamily.com

Having an oddly rough time right now.

Quick fill in: I'm wearing an ankle monitor, it comes off in 13 days. My BPDex and I have been in pretty regular contact. She broke up with me about 6-7 weeks ago. She has not engaged in your stereotypical "we're breaking up" behavior.

The last month things have been very steady between us. Just friendly interaction, and we've hung out a couple of times. She left here about 20mins ago for the night. It's flirty. She lets me kiss her on the cheek, lays on top of me, cuddles with me on the couch, etc. I'm always initiating it, but she doesn't say no or try to get up after a moment or two. She's receptive. Maybe I shouldnt be doing it, but it's hard not to. That was the dynamic we had for two and a half years.

She's seeing a guy who lives 400 miles away. They hang out every 2-3 weeks. She doesn't tell me about any of this, it's just information I had gathered by checking her social media. She makes it a point of hers to not talk about any of it.

Whenever she was on her phone tonight, she was texting this guy. While we were talking, at a couple points tonight, she quoted this guy because she thought it was relevant to the conversation we were having.

I got a rush of jealousy after she opened with "Yeah! You know, Jimmy was telling me... ." etc. I hated it, but I played it cool. This guy was friends with her when we were dating. She just doesn't know I'm aware he's her boyfriend now.

I just don't know what the heck she wants. She wants a lot of contact with me and lets me touch her, flirt with her, whatever, but she's still in contact with him... .I'm confused.

I don't check her social media anymore and I havne't in a few weeks, but when I did, she was talking about how this guy has made her the happiest she's ever been, etc. Am I a pillow until she can move to his location in 6 months?

Thoughts? Is she as confused as I am?

It sounds hurtful to me,  is it to you?

Near the beginning of our r/s, my ex started texting her ex bf, the one she was still pining away for.  She would share text conversations, like, "ex bf saw your profile pic on MySpace and he asked me why I was going out with you since he was better looking." This was the guy who cheated on and left her,  but still desired her attention. 

Of course that was hurtful to me.  I let it slide,  stuffing my feelings.  Why?

Do you fear losing her completely even though she's in a r/s with another guy (and borderline cheating on him with you which is even more confusing)?

Given your core values,  what are you willing to tolerate?

It didn't feel good. At times it was hard for me to stay focused on having a good time with her.

I absolutely fear losing her completely despite her being in a r/s with someone else. She's so integrated. I enjoy being around her.

When I'm with her, i just feel there's this comparison between me and this other guy going on in her head that I'm losing. When I saw her on the phone with him it was hard to concentrate.

It's hard for me not to touch her. It feels right and natural.

I don't really have any empathy for how the person she's dating might feel about it because in my mind, he didn't have any for me. They began dating the day after she broke things off with me. Its hard for me to imagine them just going from 0-60 like that. I'm inclined to believe there was a lot of build up. He probably knew she had a boyfriend.

Regardless, I know she enjoys my company. I'm just not sure where to break the ice. She can be unpredictable. Last night before she left, she suggested we hang out today. Today when I asked if she was busy, she said "not at the moment, but I don't plan on goin out today if thats what u were wonderin"

That kind of stuff doesnt TORTURE me, but it can and does make me feel bad. The more I think about this, the more I think she doesnt know what she wants.