|
Title: I have been posting on the post break up boards, but hope for advice here... Post by: Emotions on September 23, 2017, 12:03:05 PM So I have been NC for approximately 3 months... .my ex reached out yesterday. She broke up with replacement, and is on the verge of possibly losing her job... .we talked for LITERALLY 5 hours last night. Can I please have advice on how to validate her feelings, experience, without enabling her or setting her off into more intense emotions... .where is the link on how not to jade? Thanks for any replies... .
Title: Re: I have been posting on the post break up boards, but hope for advice here... Post by: sweetheart on September 24, 2017, 05:34:48 PM Hello Emotions,
Here is the link you asked for in a thread with lots of members feedback on how they have managed to implement this tool, https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0 Have a read and come back and let us know what you think. Title: Re: I have been posting on the post break up boards, but hope for advice here... Post by: Emotions on September 24, 2017, 07:18:32 PM Thank you sweetheart.
Title: Re: I have been posting on the post break up boards, but hope for advice here... Post by: DaddyBear77 on September 27, 2017, 10:44:50 AM Hi Emotions,
How's it going? I wanted to share that I had a very similar experience several years ago. My wife wanted to end our marriage and resume her relationship with an old college boyfriend. She moved out of our home, moved in with this person, and we went NC for about 2 or 3 months. The relationship started hitting rough water almost immediately, and out of a sense of obligation, true love, and compassion, I supported her for a long time, until eventually we decided to resume our marriage. This was 7 or 8 years ago and we're still married. From my experience, I would say that you are absolutely on the right track looking at Don't JADE. (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0) If you have the opportunity and the personal desire to resume the relationship, you will most likely be faced with many accusations on why you are the one to blame. There will also be a upswell of positive loving feelings toward each other, so as a side note, I would also encourage you to hold on to Wisemind (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0) which is another way of saying don't get completely swept up in the emotions of the moment. I'll also say that when taken alone, Don't JADE only intensified my feelings of anger and resentment. How could I sit there and not get my point across, when she's obviously spewing crazy BS at me? What I've learned is that you need to understand how the whole set of tools interact with each other, which is what the Don't JADE article outlines: Remember, your partner's version of what happened is their truth. Their perceptions are their facts. We can have different perceptions or interpretations. These are our facts. Often both sets are biased. The problem is that when you choose to JADE or Dexify, it almost always makes matters worse. It is better to listen to the other person's concerns first - try to understand what is bothering them. In time, you can resolve or harmonize your different perceptions. There are more effective ways to communicate "your truth", such as SET, GIVE, and DEARMAN. These methods can get past another person's defense mechanisms. Timing is critical, so choose a time when your partner isn't in an argumentative mood already. A spoonful of empathy and validation and also help set the stage so that she is more open and receptive to hearing what you have to say. SET (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0), DEARMAN (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566.0), and Validation (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating) are all discussed in other articles. Understand how these tools can be used at the right time and in the right context, and Don't JADE makes a lot more sense, IMHO. |