BPDFamily.com

Hi Everyone,

I've been poking around these boards for months trying to drum up the courage to make a first post. So here it is.

I've just emerged from a heap off the floor of our closet after my latest run-in with UBPDso. This is HIGHLY ironic since I am in a same-sex relationship and I thought this whole coming out of the closet thing was done years ago.

At this point I am just not sure where to turn. We used to engage in these long, epic fights where the whole time I just felt like I was trying to get my footing as the very definitions of words would shift from moment to moment. And all I could do was try to somehow get out of the argument -- not win it -- just get it to stop. So I resorted to just saying "Yes, you're right" to absolutely everything, no matter how patently crazy it was. I could spend literally hours saying little more than "Yes. Uh-huh. Absolutely! Yes, you're right." And on and on.

Nowadays, I just want peace. Actually, I'll settle for predictable conflict. I'll settle for a world without landmines. Because every time I think I know where they all are, a new hidden one blows my leg off before I realize what's happened.

I'm not suicidal, but I do think about it more than occasionally. I've looked up the suicide hotline number several times, but never called. I always feel ok after a few hours or a few days. I just don't know how long I can go on having that feeling come up every few weeks. Because even that feels like too close too often.

I just feel very, very tired and very defeated.

Thank you for reading. I appreciate any insight!

hi chinatl and *welcome*

i can certainly understand just wanting the arguments and dysregulation to stop.

how long have the two of you been together? when you say you emerged from a heap off the floor, is your partner physically violent?

Awesome sense of humor, glad you still have that.

What a miserable situation that many of us have been in.

Since you have been around you have probably seen most of the tools, learning and self help things you can do.

For me it was about picking my battles. I would do the same thing, just say whatever to end the fight.
It came back to haunt me though, so be careful what you are agreeing too. If I would say something just to end the fight, then it was forever held over my head.

I looked at my relationship as a chess match, if I couldn't not predict or control her next responses I would not engage.
Sad but it was about surviving a relationship and hoping for better days ahead.

Sounds like you are doing well at picking yourself up, be sure to find some alone time, activities that gets you away so you can recover and stay healthy.
Could be reading a book, or bowling. I chose stuff my partner hated to do, on purpose. So there was never a question that she would decide to come along.
So for me that was anything that involved manual labor and I knew she was out. LOL