BPDFamily.com

HI, I have been on here before but, I am back with the encouragement of my therapist. My therapist has confirmed my belief that my father is a Borderline, and my mother a Narcissist with quite a lot of Borderline traits as well.

I have recently gone no contact with my BPD father, but I still live with my BPD/NPD Mother due to me being financially unstable. I have been suffering horrible loneliness as the scapegoat child. She and my sister (the golden child) have been playing this cat-mouse game of isolation/and disruption of peace.

Story: I am basically taking emotional, and physical care of my sister. (taking her to and from school, medical appointments, dance practice, conferences, advice, homework help, school supplies, cooking, and buying groceries ect.) My mom literally just pays bills and that's it. According to her my Parentification are just "chores".

 I have recently started back at school, and running around like a chicken with my head cut off to manage my bby (he's two years old), my sister and 18 units of homework & classwork... .I am really overwhelmed. I, unfortunately, had a planning error & forgot to tell my sister that I would be late picking her up from school last week. She waited an hour and forty-five minutes after school. But, of course, told my mom it was over 3 hours, and also told her that she was standing alone outside waiting when in fact there were other kids outside. (I think my sister is a BPD too). She's told me multiple times that I am not empathetic which killed me inside, and actually made me question my personality.

My BPD/NPD mother gave me this long repetitive speech about how I am always inconsiderate of my sisters time. She claimed that ALL I have to do is drive my sister back and forth to school, and I should just be a grown woman and not ISOLATE MYSELF (despite her personality disorder) because her job & how good she is at it is what keeps everyone in the house alive. EVEN THOUGH I CONTRIBUTE IN EVERY OTHER WAY POSSIBLE > through Parentification.

So now my sister and mother have been ignoring me purposefully. I tried my best not to let them see me down. So I've been locking my son and me away in my room to get away from the tension, and uneasiness. Which was working... .but

Of course, my mother took note that I wasn't begging for inclusion and began being disruptive while I am trying to study or give attention to my son.
EXAMPLE: Coming into my room to play with my son extra loud, or continuously asking questions, asking for "favors" while I am clearly busy studying. Or she will tell my son to give her a hug when I am cuddling with him giving him attention (because school has taken up a lot of my time). She has also been blaming me for not speaking to my sister EVEN AFTER I APOLOGIZED (who has been ignoring me whenever my mom is around which causes my mom to pick at me even more). She even questioned if my apology is real.

WHAT ADVICE DO YOU HAVE, OR KIND WORDS. IT WOULD REALLY BE APPRECIATED RIGHT NOW.
I'm feeling very low and drained.

 I LITERALLY JUST WANT PEACE BUT IT"S IMPOSSIBLE, HOW DO I GET OVER THIS< AND WHY DO BPD/NPD people play these games?

You certainly sound isolated with no support,  and basically taking care of 3 babies. 

How old is your sister? I'm the latchkey only child of a single mother who worked nights,  so I have little sympathy for children who can't take care of themselves within reason.  That's where I'm coming from. 

Your mother won't change,  but despite being The Golden Child, there might be hope for her.  That being said,  it isn't your job to change her actively. 

Having grown up on government cheese,  Ramen, etc... .I survived.  Could you back step a little,  like on grocery shopping, or would that be a non starter if your mother is paying for it? Or cooking?

If you were here before, are you familiar with the discussions on boundaries (in the suggested reading at the top)?

Hi CaliGirl25,

I'm with Turkish you are having to be mommy to everyone!  I'm tired just reading your story  .

I think you need to create some boundaries too.  My first thought was study at the library or at a classmate's house. Take your son with you.  Create a physical boundary around your homework if you can.  School should be a priority for you.

How old is your sister?  Is there another way she could get home?  School bus, public transportation, with a friend? You can set boundaries around your chores but in the meantime... .a time saver... .What about ordering groceries on-line for either pick up at the store or delivery?  I know that King Soopers (Krogers) and I beleive Walmart does this too. 

I also thought about the Karpman Drama Triangle when I heard your story and thought I'd share information on that with you.  Can you see the roles that your family members play on the triangle?  How might you take yourself off of the Triangle.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

Also, some information on co-dependence (food for thought)... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111772.0

Hang in there,
Panda39

My sister is 16, and I am on welfare, I TOTALLY understand the ramen thing . But, she will have a shhshow if I stopped cooking and buying groceries w/ food stamps. It's another way for her to hoard her money and slack off on parental duties.

First - I want to commend you on your strength - you have a lot to handle.

It isn't easy to be the black child, but in the long run, I think it is so much better to be the black child than the golden child. I am the black child in my family and a sibling, the golden child is very enmeshed with our BPD mother. I had my own issues, but I was able to separate from her emotionally and this is a good thing. Sibs and I are middle age- but enmeshment can be at any age.

Are you the first in your family to go to college? I ask because I have a friend ( who has a mean BPD mother) who has a college degree and is the first in his family to get one. You would expect a mother to be so proud of him, but instead, she seems jealous and puts him down. I think he is a threat to her- she didn't do this, but he can, so she feels she has to put him down to feel some self worth. When you mention your mother interrupting your studying, I thought of this. She may feel threatened by your success. There is also abandonment  fears- if you succeed, and get a good job- you will leave her. This may surprise you too , as the black child. My mother can act like she hates me, but also panics when I don't answer her calls right away. The "I hate you don't leave me " pattern.

I think it may help to focus on the goal of what you are doing: finish college. Even if it was one class at a time- stay on this path and keep going. I think college is your ticket out of this dysfunction- a job and a place of your own. That was how I saw college- I knew it was the path to becoming financially independent of my parents- as once that happened, they didn't have control over me. It can be lonely to be studying all the time, then taking care of your family, but if you can keep a focus on doing well in your classes and moving forward, it is temporary.

Is there a way to connect with other people- like a religious group, or playgroup with other moms? Is your child at day care? It may help to study at school where there are other students, even if you are not interacting with them- you won't be alone in your house. Your mother may not like it, but she doesn't have to know what you are doing all the time - it could be a class or group project you are there for.