BPDFamily.com

I found this forum after reading everything I could get my hands and eyes on to understand what bombshell just hit me. As I was reading the descriptions of a quiet BPD, it was like the blinders fell of. I am trying to find some answers to stop myself from going in circles.

2.5 years ago I was introduced to a man 15 years my senior who became my significant other. Last Monday, after a great evening and night together, he vanished on me.

Here is what I know and what he told me:

- He had been hospitalized for depression for six weeks after his divorce.
- He suffers from social anxiety.
- He is an insomniac. Early on into our relationship he seemed to have a lot of energy; in the second half he took a lot of naps and was low energy.
- In the first half of our relationship he would join me for walks and outings; in the second half he would constantly claim medical issues to a point of being a hypochondriac.
- He works out every day on the treadmill and has for his entire life. He says he needs it for his brain chemistry.
- He is easily overstimulated - loud noise, people, fragrances etc. He asked me not to wear any perfume or scented lotions. Even a scented candle is too much.
- He is very religious and lived with a group of monks for a while.
- He used to take notes on me to get to know me. He would mimic what I was doing and study everything about my home country, trying to speak the language, cook the foods I cooked etc.


- He lives in a very minimalist place, meaning there is nothing that would say 'home' in his apartment. His place is cluttered which stresses him but he doesn't seem to be able to organize to reduce the stress.
- His diet is very poor; I considered it laziness not wanting to eat healthier.
- He is very limited and inflexible in many ways, meaning he would only travel to very few places in the world, not being open to anything but those places and would only want to travel for short periods of time as to no to disrupt his routine.
- His preferred activity is to be at home, working, watching sports or movies.
- He drinks a lot of wine, daily.
- He self-medicates with Xanax.


- He told me that in his relationships he was always the one being dumped. I guess, that would make me a first.
- He kept talking about his very first girlfriend and him imprinting.
- 17 years after his divorce, he is still in litigation against his ex-wife. He is a lawyer and represents himself. He spent his emotional energy, time, money on over 600 transactions in the divorce court against his wife and 9 appeals with a 10th appeal currently in process. He has been reprimanded for misconduct because of his relentless litigation. He is escalating this to the Supreme Court at this point.
- He hardly talked about his 2nd ex-wife but told me that the relationship faltered early, they lived separately in-house for a while and he at some point got up and left with his daughters.
- His daughter seems to have a lot of the symptoms he has. She is a huge source of stress for him.
- He has no friends in the state we live in even though he has lived here for more than 6 years. He has a very limited number of friends (less than 5) in two other states he lived in.
- He spends his time with his uncle and aunt; working for them is his primary source of income.
- He was hesitant to socialize with my friends.
- He told me if I wanted to break up with him I simply should not contact him for 48 hours. He would get the message. It would be easier for him than having to deal with conflict and explanations.


- The relationship was my most intense ever. Lots of love bombing for about 2 years; then cooling off the last 6 months to the point of being downright snarky and mean the last two weeks.
- Sex was often off the charts up to the last night. At times I felt it was too much. He had little inhibition about talking about sex in public.
- About 2 weeks before the breakup he started telling me he was 'accidentally' calling the number of this 2nd ex-wife.
- His main question to me: "Isn't it wonderful to have a boyfriend like me?"

He was quirky in my eyes; I loved him deeply because I felt 'he got me'; I never for a moment expected him to hurt me. He was quiet, we talked but never had an argument. One time, not feeling well, I went to bed quietly and fell asleep. He was triggered by that and asked me if something was wrong. I felt pressured to be always happy and greet him with "that sparkle in my eyes". I never refused sex to him even when I was worn out and tired.

We had spent time apart because of summer travel. He was growing distant in calls and texts; for the last few months he would forget or completely misrepresent a conversation we had.

Last weekend we spent an evening together to reconnect; when I arrived he was upset with his uncle wasting his time and told me he was cutting him off from email and texts for the day. I sat with him and talked; we watched the sunset, had some wine, walked, laughed, watched some funny stuff and went to bed. We had sex that night and the next morning. In the morning he made me coffee, I got ready and while I was getting ready for work, a major customer escalation came across my emails. I had to rush out to address this. I was incredibly stressed in that moment and rushed him. He kissed me good-bye, and then nothing. No response to any of my texts. After 48 hours passed I emailed him I was thinking of him. I received a response 12 hours later, saying he was thinking of me, he was having a lot of thoughts almost all the time, he was enjoying listening to John 10:10 and hoped all was well with me. I was very taken aback by the message but pulled myself together and responded that I was hoping that as he was processing his thoughts he would gain some peace and clarity, that I was here to connect and talk if he wanted to. No response.

I thought he only suffered from depression and anxiety. Somebody pointed me to quiet BPD since he never showed rage and once I started reading things were starting to make sense to me.

Those of you on here who have so much experience, can you give me some feedback on this? Explain what might be going on. Advise what to do? How to deal with this? I am feeling absolutely numb and shell shocked. I have been through bad break ups and a horrible divorce, but nothing has left me spinning like this.

Thank you. 

Hi faeuken,

I'm sorry that you are left feeling so confused about what is going on in your relationship.

Has he ever just disappeared in the past? It sounds like he has a lot of sensory issues and may also have a tendency to isolate himself. Could he be going through a serious struggle with depression right now?

Based on the scripture he shared with you, it would imply that he is really fighting against something. He feels like whatever he is going through is trying to steal, kill, or destroy him.

Unfortunately, he may just need a little space. He hasn't told you to leave him alone so maybe sending him a message every couple days may just remind him that you are available if he needs support. Are there other people in his life that will check in on him too?

*welcome*

I would like to join Tattered Heart in saying that I'm sorry for what you are going through. I am glad that you have found us though. We've all be through similar situations. I hope that you receive as much support as I have.

Why were you taken aback by his response to your message that you were thinking about him?

I haven’t heard from him since the last exchange. I was taken aback because in his message he did not refer to why he was doing what he was doing; he mentioned in his message that he trusts that all is well with me which in that moment was hurtful to read because nothhing was and is well on my side.

I haven’t checked in on him. I would like to because I worry about his depression and at minimum want some closure but based on what I read I probably shouldn’t.

Whether or not to remain in contact is a question that comes up around here a lot. My take on it is that unless you need to not have contact so as to protect yourself, or if the other person has asked that you not contact, then there is no reason to not reach out.

The caveat to that is that we don't want to chase or over-pursue the other person.

It is much easier to rekindle a relationship if you are talking to the other person. Of course, we want to avoid things like pushing the relationship (so, it's best to not mention it if the other person doesn't, and if they do, keep things at the same level that he is), or being anything other than bright and shiny. Doom and gloom are not attractive after all.