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So my BPD girlfriend wanted and open relationship before she went away for a holiday. However I said no initially but she persuaded me to change my mind and told me it would be great for both of us. I have never had one and don't like the idea of them but stupidly agreed and said we will see how I feel after it happens.  She went away and started treating me like I was non existent and then she told me that she has slept with a few guys and tagged team one with her best friend and also had sex with another in a bar toilet.  I also got a phone call from her while she was in the car with another guy and was drunk. She tells she doesn't remember and was smiling while she was talking. She is was drinking heavily for the entire holiday and I have broken up with her and have decided to go no contact and have blocked off all avenues of contact.  Why do I feel guilty and feel like I have done something wrong any advice on this would be so helpful right now. I can see her blog and she is really upset on it and I feel like reaching out! What should I do?

Hi GfissuesBPD03,

*welcome*

Self protection is good if someone doesn’t respect your boundaries, causes anxiety and emotional distress. You have a right to be happy in this world and if that means that you have to minimize or cut contact with people that refuse to take onus for their actions and reject change m, I don’t think that you’re left with a choice.

Flip that the other way around and what does that feel like when someone stops communicating with us? Many members on this board can relate with that, my ex inlaws cut off communication with me, people that I felt like were family at that time, it hurt like hell. They also did me favour because I think of them as being enablers with my exuBPDw, they won’t tske responsibility of their actions and I surround myself with different people today, i pull the good people close and have boundaries with toxic people.

I’d suggest to not peek on her social media until you’re a little further down the road, feel healthier and where you can read her blog and be emotionally detached. Self protect with no contact,show yourself self compassion and take really good care of yourself.

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry you are being subject to this my friend. She sounds like a wrecking ball that you should stay away from.

It sounds like this isn't your lifestyle and you probably don't want the drama that probably seems to follow her around.

This is reckless histrionic and impulsive behaviour. I believe you made the right choice with No Contact.

Thank you both for your reply. I know in my heart she needs to change and I also know she won't because she hasn't stopped drinking and I also know that she is just seeking attention. I am strong and keep reading her blog and won't answer her calls. She keeps ringing me off a private number and then blogs about it saying she doesn't feel so disconnected. She didn't respect my boundary at all. I will remain as strong as possible. She lives over 2 hours away so I know she won't just come to my house hopefully.

The definition of an open relationship to a BPD goes something like this... .

"Will you give me a free pass to screw anyone I want and make it okay?"

Yeah that is basically what happened. When I said what if I find someone who wants similar to me she got annoyed. Your so right. I kept reading her blog and watched her self distruct on there last with heavy drinking and she now hates me but I don't have to put up with it now. She even self harmed herself and left bruises on herself but I don't want to contact her cause I know what will happen. She will try and convince me to come back. I am glad I made the decision to leave her. I hope she recovers one day and finds a healthy balance in life. I still don't hate her because I know it's her illness but she hasn't accepted to take responsibility for it yet.

You sound better today.

I am still struggling and still want to speak to her. But I am really trying not to contact her. It is hard trying to keep reminding myself of what she did and why I don't want someone like that in my life. But still struggling she is constantly on my mind but it has only been a day so I don't know what to do.

It sounds like you're not as much in the FOG as you were yesterday, Guilt in FOG (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0) What would you say to her if you had the chance? Sharing it here might help.

The definition of an open relationship to my exBPDgf goes something like this... .

"Will you give me a free pass to screw anyone I want?  But understand, you're not allowed to screw anyone you want because I can't handle that."

Seriously, not verbatim but that is what she told me.

Basically why tell me you love me and what to spend the rest of your life with me. Then keep saying you love me and don't want to lose me but still maintain that you don't want to be monogomous with anyone and you like connecting with different people. If you stayed with me you would end up cheating. I can see she is acting out of impulse because you didn't do it while we were together. Is it jus the alcohol making you act this way or is that who you actually are? She said is queer also but when I said then we can comprise and I will be the man in your life and you can date other women while your sober and recovering through your therapy but that isn't enough. And you have only slept with guys and a guy old enough to be your dad. She is just toxic but I still care about her, I am the mug I know. Definitely not contacting her because she isn't worth it. I am certainly not in the FOG stage just hurt I guess. I love very deeply as a person and always give it my all in every relationship I have friends, family and romantic ones. Thank you for suggesting this it does help. I talk to my friends about it and they all said no contact is the best thing you have done. A BPD blogger I know also said the same thing and she is a woman as well.

A pwBPD may say something like this:

"Hi GfissuesBPD03,

I'd like to have a close intimate r/s with someone but when I get close to someone I'm afraid that they're going to leave me like everyone in my life. Some pwBPD avoid /s's because they know that they can't sustain healthy adult intimacy. I want to connect with different people because I don't want to feel abandoned, if a r/s with one person falls out then I have someone else. I'm sorry, it's not about you it's about the disorder.

Some but not all pwBPD try to cope by abusing substances because I want to numb theses chronic feelings of emptiness, chronic feelings of shame, self hatred, self loathing because I hurt people that I care about".

I know but I just wanted to tell her and tried to on some many different levels but I guess it wasn't meant to be, which is a shame because I knew about her BPD and was willing to accept that part of it. I did my research beforehand guess she wasn't ready for a healthy relationship and didn't want to grow that way. I guess no contact is best even though a huge part of me wants to reach out just to make her see why I did what I did.

So I unblocked her from my What's app only. She wrote on her blog she felt like dying today. I actually didn't care enough about her issues because I stopped paying attention to her, I have gone since last Thursday without any contact and with the support of my friends and family it has been amazing. I sent her a message to say I don't hate because I don't and she asked why and I told her her risky behaviour influenced me and I didn't like it. So I didn't say to her I will be there for her or anything like that. What that wrong to do? I care about her but not like I used to. Just as a fellow human who struggles. I don't think I will ever see her face to face. She asked me to call her tomorrow but I don't think I will bother, is that wrong? She probably has some sob story lined up for me. She has lied on her blog about why we broke up and blamed me for everything, not surprised with it but I can see through her lies and know there isn't anything wrong with me now. Am I being unreasonable and should I just go no contact again? I am a person that lets people go emotionally and will never bend my will to be there for them but will always forgive them for myself, is that wrong?

Do you feel like you're too rigid? Would you like to be a little more flexible? I don't think that there's a right or wrong, I think that it's a part of someone's personality, it sounds like you know yourself to a degree. I believe that people can continue to learn and change. Do you think that it's your ego getting in the way a little? I mean that in a way where I'm just trying to help you.

You could be right. I was hurt and needed some time to process the fact there isn't or ever going to be an actual future with her what so ever and definitely do want any children with her while she is in a destructive stage as she hasn't stopped drinking and I also know she won't change for anyone. I m mean I know I go no contact again when I need to and enjoy my life without her that is for certain. So I don't know. I am still single and maybe just wanted to have some fun with her but probably not a good idea. So bit of that prompted me reconnecting her. I know she was out last night and probably ended up ___ing some one else and it actually no longer bothers me because that who she has chosen to be right now. So I don't know.