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My uBPD wife often refuses to answer direct questions.  Here is an example - we have a special needs daughter who is having issues in school.  The school is trying to set up a meeting with us to discuss the issues - they sent a time and my wife said - I can't meet then.  But she is not sending them a time that will work.  When they send an email asking for her to suggest a team she says that she will get back to them - but keeps avoiding doing so.  This is a pressing issue and she does not have a busy schedule - there is no reason that she cannot meet.  But she has trouble coping with problems like this.

Anyone have any suggestions on how to move her along on this without causing a *&itstorm?

There are many other instances where she is asked a direct question that just requires a yes or no answer but she will respond with a grievance from a year or more in the past that has nothing to do with the issue at hand.  It can be very hard to get her to move forward on these issues.

Indecision can be so frustrating. If you push too hard or too fast they will blow up. If you don't push enough they will let the subject disappear and never be answered. The key is to find just the right amount of pressure.

We have a communiation tool called  D.E.A.R.M.A.N.  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566.0) that I think will work very well here. As always when trying to get your pwBPD to hear something they don't want to hear, it requires a lot of finessing with validation before hand.

So for instance in your scenario, having the conversation might look something like this:

"I know you're really busy and that scheduling one more thing can be overwhelming (addresses her excuses). I'm worried about D too. It's scary not understanding what is going on with her (validates your wife's worries).  It's important that we meet with D's teachers so that she can start getting the help she needs at school (states a truth). Can we take a look at your schedule together (offering support and comfort) and choose a time that works best for you to meet with the school? (puts the responsibility back on her)"

If at that point, she continues to stall, it might require using a little more pushback or putting a deadline on things. If she still balks, you might try:

"I know this is a difficult time, but the longer we put this off, the longer the problems at school will continue. Can you schedule a time with the teachers before next week, please? I know it's important to you that you are able to be there. It's important to me too. But if your schedule won't allow it, I'm going to set up the meeting for next Friday (or whenever). I would love for us to go together, but if you can't make it, I understand. I'll update you on what is said after we meet."

Taking this idea and looking at DEARMAN, can you try to create your own dialogue here before sharing it with your W?

Thanks TH - I will try that.

I have a hard time with direct questions.  Sometimes, it's my own fault for phrasing things in a tangential way.  I am learning to be more direct in my questions.  I can't ask "How do you feel about eating out tonght?" and get a straight answer.  I get "well I don't feel like cooking and you don;t feel like cooking... ."  And a lot of leading the horse to water has to happen to get a "where do you want to have dinner out?"  answer.  I have started stating I just need a yes or no."  Sadly, he mumbles sometimes, and his yes and no can sound the same   (merph?, not sure what he's saying!)

I also know that allowing H to be the one to schedule things means everything would be last minute and rushed.  I'd have done what Tattered recommended - "I know we both want to be there.  I don't think we can put this off any longer, so I told them DAY/TIME works for me.  Please let me know if you plan to join me, as I know it's important to you."

I have to do this for annual exams, and just have to accept that his poor executive control makes it to where some things are really hard for him to just do - taxes, reports, MD appointments, I have to do all of those or they just don't happen.  It's more of a passive way of saying "I don't want to face this, so I will ignore it."

That sounds like good advice, I'll be reading up on it.