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I think I have doubts whether she was intentionally hurtful to me or I just was misunderstanding her, so when presently she acts sweet towards me when I see her at work, it throws me off and I almost wonder if any of the bad stuff happened. It's almost like if she were mean to me, it would be much easier to let go and write her off as a jerk etc. Can anyone relate?

It's not like I think she is a bad person, and I do understand she suffers from a serious disorder. She even apologized to me recently about the "mean emails" she sent me when she called things off, but in that same conversation, I felt very invalidated by her by some of her other comments and tone of voice. Again, I almost wish she hadn't even apologized. It's like the part of her that I find hurtful and the part that is sweet to me are continuing this painful battle in my mind.

This also makes me check in with my own recovery. Obviously I am still affected big time by her. I notice that I am kind of getting somewhere at least though, because I'm starting to see some patterns in this tug of war, and a lot of it I have created for myself. It's really time I stop being affected by any of her treatment of me, good or bad, or let it distract me from my life, or let it reflect my worth as a person. That said, I've been thinking it may be necessary for me to leave my job in order to heal. Every time I see her, the wound is opened. I can barely look her in the eye. I wanted to share here that I feel really embarrassed at the thought of quitting. You see, I already quit this job once because of my ex, and I told my boss about the failed relationship. It's humiliating quitting again, when I feel like a healthier person would have been able to move on and chin up. Has anyone else left a job because of their expwBPD? Did you find it helped, or what was your experience?

Yep I quit a job once in a relationship a few years ago with a dBPD woman. She found out I had talked to, yes talked to, a girl that worked there. Yeah, she was attractive, sure, but nothing happened. So I quit to "prove" my loyalty. It wound up not working out, of course, but I didn't regret quitting that job exactly. I had found a better job, that wasn't the issue. The issue was that I so easily gave in and quit instead of saying NO. But, I didn't have a car, and was using hers, so it was better I suppose to keep the peace at the time.

Overall, what hurts the most isn't what the other person says or does, it's what YOU do that compromises YOU

Thanks for sharing. I'm glad your story worked out ok as far as finding a better job. I agree with what you said--that's all we can really control. I do think NC is helpful for healing. I can relate to making a sacrifice to prove my love though. Something to do no more.

I'd say most people would find it uncomfortable working around an ex.  I'd encourage you to do what you feel is best for your own well being.  Who's opinion of you are you valuing that creates this feeling of embarrassment within you?  Is it your own, or other people's?

Love and light x

Thanks, HQ. I will take some more time to think and figure this out. I think leaving and having full NC would probably help. Sometimes I worry I am failing to be an emotional leader, but I guess I have to be honest with myself about limitations. Anyhow, I'll try not to worry what others think. Thanks!