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So after 5 days of no contact I get a random message from my BPDexgf to ask if she can pick up a tv unit that belongs to her, which she had perviously said I could keep. Random. I tried to ask how she was doing but her replies were cold and business like. I said I missed her and hate that we don't even talk anymore, she didn't even acknowledge that. Stupid me to think she would. Stupid me for even saying that! Now I feel anxious and sad. Again. I was doing so well! Clearly this wasn't an excuse for contact for her because she didn't want to discuss anything other than retrieving her furniture. And now I feel like crap again

Hi heartbroken03,

Don't be hard on yourself  I think that your instinct that this is reason to contact is right. She's putting her feelers out.

What are you going to do?

Feeling as you do right now, what would you advise a friend to do in the same situation when they get that call?

What was agreed?  I'd be tempted to consider finding a way that she can retrieve this item when you're not around, as having contact with her whilst you're so raw is problematic for you.  It's pretty large I guess, so shipping it would likely be expensive, however would another option be to arrange for a mutual friend or family member to take it instead?    

I know it is painful to see her distancing herself from you.  She probably was checking how you felt about her and your display of emotion put her on a back foot, causing her to push back.  It could also be a blessing as you're in the early stages of detaching and having her be more receptive could lead to a more painful recycle in the long run.  Try to consider this a bump in the road, and accept that we have those along the way.  You can get through this.  Remove the triggers as best you can.  Be your own protector and carer right now.  

Love and light x    

I have arranged to leave a house key out for her to be able to come and retrieve it when I am not home. I couldn't be there and have contact with her at this point. The sad thing is that now I have to purchase myself a new cabinet, and yet she has never offered to reimburse me for the rent money I paid on her house while she was in hospital. I know she's not working and won't be able to pay it back and I don't want to deal with the conflict that asking for it will cause. So again I'm left on the financial and emotional back foot with her

That was a good move to consider yourself in this way and safeguard against further pain.  I am sorry that you're losing out financially.  This certainly adds to the stress of the situation.  I can relate entirely.  I lost a lot too.  I asked myself what was most important to me at the time.  What is most important to you that you need for yourself right now hb?

Love and light x

Hi,

I'm sorry that you're going through this pain. I know how it is when you know with your brain it's better to break up but you just keeping missing that person like crazy. My boyfriend used to use that excuse all the time that he wanted to pick up his things when he had broken up with me and wanted to get back together again. On the phone he would be really cold and sometimes aggressive and then once he was at my place he would be begging that we'll get back together. Good that you arranged that you'll not be home. Just be careful that she doesn't make a copy of that key. And this will probably not be the last time she contacts you to get "something back."
Donkey2016

I am thinking now that I will even leave the cabinet outside my house so she doesn't even get to go in. I if I leave a key it will just be a garage remote which can't be copied. I feel like these actions have almost forced me to move into the Anger stage of grief. That's a good thing right?

 It's certainly not a bad thing.  We can have a tendency to label feelings as good or bad.  They are not either.  They just are.  So moving into a new phase signals progress through the expected stages and yes that's a good thing.  Especially if that causes you to be more assertive about self protecting against further emotional struggle at this point. 

Your idea about using the garage is a good one, as you won't then find yourself feeling uncomfortable and suspicious about any surprises in your home, which I must confess I would feel if my ex were to come in here.  I like my own space and privacy and know how he used to snoop plus his tendency to leave me gut wrenching notes/sentimental gifts to find.   donkey2016 also makes a good point about security and your alternative gets around this nicely. 

How will you communicate this?  Have you heard of BIFF (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=133835.0)?  Since reading about this I use it with my child's father when we have essential contact and it has helped me enormously to stop me from being drawn into anything emotionally triggering.  Let us know how it goes.

Love and light x 

Hi heartbroken03, Glad that you found a solution to that problem! Thank you Harley Quinn for the link to BIFF. I'm certainly going to use that in the future!
Donkey2016