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Here is my thoughts on re-engagement. Right now, me and my ex are in NC as she only wanted to be friends. I still have SOME feelings for her, but little by little I am starting to accept that it is not so much I miss HER as I miss "human interaction", "love" and "companionship".  Im not sure if she will ever contact me again, but I've always been a nice, and forgiving guy, and I  do NOT hate her. She did some pretty bad stuff to me but I think one day when the dust settles and I have no negative emotions, we might be able to finally be just friends again? Im so new to this BPD stuff, and STILL having some trouble comprehending it all. Like thinking she doesn't care about human feelings?

Do I want her to re-engage? Not now. But Im not opposed to it down the road when I can look at her and see a woman, and not the wife I had for 12 years, and not wanting to kiss or hug her. I told her I just need some time away from her to accept the situation better, and understand my own feelings. Like I said, I don't hate the woman, but I get emotional when I think that she might re engage me ONLY for her selfish needs and not for letting the past go kind of thing. If she contacts me in say three months from now and says, "ever think about going out again?" I will be pissed! Because I will know she only wants to because her and her new boyfriend didn't work out and not that she really does want to put her heart into a relationship with me again. Plus I already asked her, and she denied me for HIM! Im a kind of guy that forgives and lets go of any animosity or anger. Its hard to hear the advice from others that I should not have her in my life at all, and that all she cares about is only herself. That reality really... .really hurts. I know she has this disorder or some variation of it, but knowing she never loved me, or cared for me in the way I did, is THE hardest thing to accept

Hi Making_sense 

I just wanted to support this discussion here.

I realised this a little as well. I admire your courage in considering this. It took me a little while to figure out this it was okay to not date, or be around people outside of a work context for what could be considered long periods of time. This didn't seem to be a particular problem for me, I think today, moreso that my ex couldn't stand herself being alone--and projected this onto me. Part of inventory--I think--is distinguishing what's ours as individuals; and what is/was our partners.

I questioned, "Is this mine, or was this hers?" for quite some time. After being alone for some time, and seeing that indeed I could have both by choice (alone or with someone), I came to think it was more of her own issue. I know many people--BP, and non alike--like being around people. I think that's quite human. What's more a BP way of things, is that this loneliness is experienced as a black hole--often intolerable--such that it transforms from a want of companionship, to a compulsion. Maybe.

I think it's good that you can bring this to the surface. Being able to identify it as not hatred is a good thing.

Without judgement, do you want her as a friend?


From the non's perspective, I'd like to help here. Sometimes I like to look at my ex's behaviour like this:
A (fact) → B (feeling) → C (action) → D (consequence)

What I observe in a situation with the pwBPD, what I see, is C. I experience C as the partner. I don't often know A or B. With a pwBPD, I don't have a good sense of these parts, often.

Furthermore, the A may have existed before my relationship with my ex.

Furthermore, the B could be any type or size of feeling.

What I will end up seeing over time is lot of Cs and their often destructive Ds. These will grow in my sight, without the corresponding growth of As or Bs. If this happens, then I observe just a whole bunch of Cs and Ds. Then, if the Ds are sufficiently destructive, then I may begin to feel this person doesn't care about human feelings. That's my experience when I think "this person doesn't care about human feelings"-esque type of thoughts.

However--I don't think that's true. From this, it's just that our experience as the non is more of the Cs and Ds. So it could very well be true that she does care about human feelings. She might not.  :) It just might not be our experience of being with the pwBPD.

So what does this mean for you? What's your experience of her actions and their consequences on your feelings?