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  I have been coming to terms with how this has affected our lives for many years, my biggest regret is that I was naive. I am not sure about the rest of you but I was "all in" for my relationship. To me my marriage was the most important thing ever and i held nothing back. I exposed everything, I effectively showed my opponent all my cards and never imagined it could or was being used against me. If your human your instinctively competitive by nature and I feel if you are in a relationship with another person you both are effectively competing for happiness.

 I have to wonder if a person with BPD is gifted with better abilities from the start for this "game" we all play.

I think my wife is an exceptional player, she always gets me to show her all my cards and I would do anything to make me happy, but the whole time I am absolutely convinced she is doing me a big favor. Its almost impressive when you think about it that way.

I think my analogy is simple to understand

Stop always giving your partner flowers for no reason.

It seems very romantic to show your partner how much you always love them even at their very worst moments, but who wins from that?  I understand that sometimes you have no choice but to give a child a sucker to get them to stop throwing a fit but if every time they start to whimper you cram a sucker in their mouth... .your just making bigger problems for another day.

I will never stop giving flowers, (showing lots of unconditional love) but I think I will slowly change how and why I do it so we both get what we need most, continued happiness.

As a general rule, people with BPD are impulsive and emotional (true to her emotions). Most likley that is what is beating you.

They don't strategize or do well with game plans.

Game, has a bad sound to it when describing a relationship. If you clean it up with politicaly correct type words you might say I should  be more proactive instead of always being reactive.

The other day I was sitting quietly next to my wife rubbing her legs and feet on the couch trying to end a fight. The whole time I was trying to figure out what happened? How and why did it end up with me surrendering everything and how do we stop these fights  from happening... .lots of questions.

I am still learning everything I can about BPD, I love to read other people's stories and hear all of their thoughts.

At this point I am still very new and have lots to learn about BPD. I am also eager to share and help others. In my next post I am going to describe my first attempt at dealing with our conflicts with the assumption that BPD is one of the complications.

Everyone's situation and relationships are completely unique. For us anytime we fight my wife seems to want to hang all of our current issues and problems around my neck and blame me instead of ever considering herself as factor (sound familiar to anyone reading?) So lately I heard this new phrase "we would not be having the problems we are having now if you loved me"

Old me would have taken the bait, ran with it and we would have both ran around in circles arguing about it for hours. This time I simply told her it hurt, I than wrote it down in the notes section on my phone. After I had it  I showed it to her and asked her if what I had down was exactly word for word what she said.

My game play
1. Changing what normally happens as it would for sure end badly, what do I have to loose?
2. Surprise us both with something unexpected
3. I have proof of exactly what was said for both of our sake. I can no longer worry (or be convinced) that I am exaggerating what was said and likewise she can no longer deny that it happened or water it down.

I cant sing and dance and say I won this time, but it definitely wasn't the usual loss from me playing in the dirt with her or surrendering with an apology for something I did not do.

Documenting things on my phone or in a spreadsheet really helps me a lot. I can see patterns, see responses that work well, and see themes. It also helps me see that I'm not delusional and prevents gaslighting. The  one thing I don't do is to  show my notes to my H. Being confronted with his own inadequacies can trigger a huge shame reaction. My intent in capturing these moments is to not use them against him later. It's to help me learn more about how BPD affects him and me.

Changing up your response can make a big difference in how she responds. When in a relationship with someone with BPD, our broken parts react to their broken parts in this big messy Dysfunctional Dance[/b]] Dysfunctional Dance  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=66672.0[url=www.[b) We get into these patterns of unhealthy reactions to each other and things just spiral more and more out of control.

When I think of being pro-active, I first think of getting out of the emotion of the moment. That's step 1.

Can you share a little more about what your last argument was about and go through how it began to escalate from beginning to end?

I would not use the word "game" (unless your a student of transactional analysis) in even talking to myself - it is marginalizing her in your own mind and that isn't going to help.

She has a skills deficit. She is not outwitting you.


I might suggest modifying your approach a little... .sit down after the fact when things are calm and ask her to explain what she means and listen without and JADE. Let he be totally heard. Ask questions for her to get it all out.

Then write it down and show it to her. Tell her you need time to think about it.

Come back and discuss it later in a time of calm... .don't JADE hear either, just get all her solutions expressed. Tell her you need time to think about it.

And then come back with some ideas... .

If its a cyclical problem, as it often is, it works to break it down this way.

She probably really thinks this and feels you are not listening... .whether that seems right or not to you... .and it will help to listen.

When you get there, it would be a good time to strategize here on how to deal with this problem.

yes - H has a belief that if only I "listened" better, I'd be able to perfectly implement what he wants, and anything less is negligent and uncaring, or deliberately willfully mean.  Any failure, be it forgetting something at the store to literally not being able to hear him is only the result of me being lazy or mean. 

I know what you mean by "game", but like Skip said, she's not playing, she's expressing her honest feelings, as messed up and manipulative as they come across.  Her only "win" is that you, beaten down, tired of drama and fighting, likely just give in after a while (usually).  That's not a strategy - that is just her out of whack coping mechanism and manner in which to request a change. 

Changing how you respond, because you are the only one who sees a need for change and who has the conscience of mind to try, is the best thing you can do.  You've realized what you are doing is not working.  And you are here, looking into new way to respond :) so yay, you :)

Changing what we do as a reaction is very hard.  We are just as hardwired as they are - we just have a little more skill at being self aware, looking at things, and realizing it CAN be better.