BPDFamily.com

Sorry I realise I sound like I'm trapped in the Karpman triangle, trying to rescue my uBPDh- and maybe I am. 

We have a cycle that goes like this:
1. He sets a goal for himself (e.g. do 30 mins of exercise every day),
2. He goes about doing it,
3. *something* happens, which will cause him to skip a day or so, and for which I will get 100% of the blame for (e.g. I have said something wrong, then argued with him, which means a fight was started, then he has no mood to go for his exercise anymore)
4. He will then stop working towards the goal completely, then repeatedly saying I have sabotaged everything he tries to do.

Thing is, I didn't sabotage it.  He did.  Even if I did pick a fight and cause him to skip ONE DAY towards the goal, he could have gone the next day, right?  Nothing to stop him.  But he would just completely stop, I don't know whether it's so that he could subconsciously put the blame on me for his failure or what.

So it seems like *if only* I didn't argue with him, then everything would be going fine, he would still reach his goal and I wouldn't get the blame.  But something feels off here- even if I did mess him up for one day or a few days, how he reacts to the argument is his decision to make, right?  But I'm tired of getting all of the blame every time he fails in something... .

I do the exact same thing with goals. I skip a day and then it all falls apart. 

He probably feels embarrassed or ashamed that he can't follow through. The change in routine may be an excuse for him to not keep working toward the goal. In his mind he may even say to himself, "I'll just do it tomorrow." and so when tomorrow comes and he doesn't work towards the goal, it's easier to blame you than to look at himself.

I think using  SET  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0) might help in this situation. Listen to him and validate where you can. (I feel disappointed when I don't meet my goals sometimes too or it's frustrating to feel overwhelmed by the goal, etc). Then try to share the truth about it. "Our argument was 3 days ago. We didn't argue for 3 days after that. You could have gone to work out on those days. Was something else going on during those days?"

This is being honest with him. Showing him the truth of the situation. And also taking the blame off you.

Thanks you two for laying this information out like this! It is always so helpful! :) I really appreciate the chance to learn how to use these techniques with such concrete examples! Tattered Heart you're so generous with this! :)