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Ah gross. I was hoping I would never sign into here again. My last post was earlier this year - I've gotten to a great place of more acceptance and while the pain is still stirred sometimes, it's less and less.
My BPD ex's replacement messaged me today on social media. We don't really know each other and never had significant interaction. She had blocked me like 2 years ago and that was great because it helped with no contact. She messages me out of the blue today with some cryptic sentiments:

"I'm not sure what your beef with me has been. If you ever want to talk to me about anything I am open to that. Maybe I can help clear up whatever you think has happened or is happening so you can move forward! I am genuinely honest and kind and can meet you with that."

Err, what? We have never had a conversation. They have been married 4 years now. The last thing I heard from him was never talk to me again, but she wants to interact suddenly? I'm not sure what her intentions are... .I replied I appreciate you reaching out but I'm not sure speaking to you is good for me. Hope you are well.

Any idea why their replacement would want anything to do with you/say this bs years later?

Dear OutoftheWoods-

I'm sorry you've been blindsided by this unexpected and most certainly unwelcome contact.  i do have an initial reaction to her contact, although my reaction comes with NO knowledge of your history.

So here goes... .it seems she may "need", or hope to benefit from, contact with you way WAY more than you need or will benefit from contact with her... .which is to say you DON'T need contact with her.  

Whatever unsettled waters have arisen in her relationship with your BPDex are not your concern or your fault.  It's their marriage.  And it's sad that she's looking To you for an explanation or solution.  My guess would be that your ex has invoked your "ghost", and this woman is now haunted by something he has said.  Who can even guess?

I'm sure you've worked long and hard to heal your relationship wounds.  There's nothing you can do to heal whatever rift may exist in their marriage.  Not to be cold, but it's her turn to experience this first -hand, and deal with their issues.

Please take good care of yourself.  Your response to her was a pretty "soft attempt "  at steering clear, so she may try again.  If so, you will likely need to be that strong tree, and kindly but firmly state that you HAVE moved forward with your life.  If necessary,  I'm sure other community members will give good assistance with proper wording.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

OutoftheWoods - It's almost like someone came up from behind and slapped you on the back of the head with no notice, right? It's become something to expect for me. The snake striking from a hidden place with no warning. Even though my replacement has never tried to reach out to me, my ex told me something during her first recycle attempt (and the last one that I participated in). She said that my replacement hated me because of all of the things that I did to her. The assumption is that "all the things that I did to her" was based on what she told him that I did to her. Although hate gets you nowhere in the long run, I can understand him feeling this way. Like many other people with BPD, she is a professional and perpetual victim so she is very believable. Mix that with pwBPD actually believing the lies that they tell (feelings=facts) and they easily influence others.
My opinion is that your replacement has heard a lot about you from your ex's perspective and may be genuinely attempting to "help" you even if you're not the one who really needs the help that she is offering. This is just my opinion and my opinion is heavily influenced by my own personal experience. I would try to block it out and forget about it. I wouldn't worry about what her intentions. She's probably been fed information about you that is only true in one person's eyes like many of us here have had done to us. My feeling is that you're a good person regardless of what your ex or replacement thinks.

Hi OutoftheWoods,
     I'm going to hedge my bets and say your ex is talking about you to the replacement and likely creating a veil of "jealousy".

This is all to affect the replacement, not you. To manufacture jealousy.

My ex was a pro at this. To this day she tells people I contact her and am stalking. I haven't seen, spoken or emailed my ex in close to four years. I avoid social situations where she might show. The scary thing is my ex is an amazing actor and people truly believe I'm insane. I have to be careful not to look at someone the wrong way or they will consider it harassment, just based on what people have been told about me.

After NC on your part, for this replacement to approach you like this tells me your ex is indirectly trying to triangulate. If you haven't responded I suggest you don't.

There was one point in my relationship my ex told me she had a restraining order on the woman before me. Funny that three weeks into our relationship she was calling this person for advice on electrical wiring.

If things seem fishy, and this seems fishy, don't acknowledge. Any response is like talking to your ex. Seriously. You have all the power.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. You were wise to post here first. :)

Hey all,

Thanks for your responses. I was wondering that - if it was indirect triangulation... .or if it is a weird way to keep communication going, even though he said never to contact him again.

I did respond briefly and vaguely... .if it happens again I will be more clear about my own communication boundary. I feel bad for her but not engaging is better for me, being that she is so close to him.

Sound like you ex has told her that you have a beef with her - maybe eb=ven bringing it up lately. That note very much sounds like a reaction to you (or the you that was portrayed).


If the above is true (my first comment), it would make your response seem passive aggressive "my beef with you is so great I fear talking to you".

You might respond back something that disarms all of this and makes it clear that you haven't been stressing for months. Put it to bed.

As others have said it seems your ex is making an issue of how you feel towards the replacement and has no doubt stirred things up. The replacement is probably genuinely wanting to make peace. The best thing to do is just get on with your life and try not to give it a second thought. If the replacement contacts you again just say that you have no beef with her and don't want to seem rude but you just want to get on with your life and leave the past in the past.