BPDFamily.com

As I wrote elsewhere, I'm leaving the door open for possible future friendship, however this is the best board under the general heading of "personal growth," hence this post.

When I went through divorce 20+ years ago, I saw an excellent T for 2 years. We did some great work and she helped me get in touch with and strengthen my own boundaries. She never did this by pushing me, rather through restraint. Any time I sought "direction" from her, which between my FOO and my ex-H I had a lifetime of receiving, she would adroitly turn the focus back on me so I had to keep reaching inside to determine what I wanted to do. This had a powerful and lasting effect, and since then I changed my family relationships and never let them or friends do a number on me, e.g. thwarted a half-sister's attempt at thieving etc.

Initially yelling was involved  the emotions were much stronger and boundaries were more rigid. As time goes on, I'm more able to stay calm and focused, which helps me choose strategy and allow people I'm staring down to save face, and I can keep the essential boundaries fixed while flexing where it's comfortable. Also in professional relationships I've learned to to attain and steer resources on behalf of clients. Compartmentalizing maybe. I can push vendors hard and cut them loose as needed.

But some things are tougher, e.g. firing someone who works directly for me. A few times recently I've had to this and you know what, the sky didn't fall in.  :)  Last time was yesterday. I had engaged an agent to lease and manage my home. She was by far the most thorough and detail oriented of those interviewed. Well once the contract was signed she slipped. She placed the ad a week late and didn't own that. Then she scheduled an applicant showing Wednesday and was a no show. I phoned her and she didn't apologize but insisted the appointment was for the next day. I checked the text and it was in fact that day. Luckily I was home, so I showed the applicant the place and vetted her. She gave me her records and we worked out terms and agreed on keeping direct contact, although I'm still having the agent run the credit/background check and prep the lease.

I had signed a contract obligating me for six months fee minimum, but it burned me to think that this agent had me doing her work. I dreaded the conversation but phoned her and called her out. (This might be easy for parents but I've never had a teenager :) She owned her actions, apologized and agreed to release me early.

I've been able to do these things without feeling overly angry or disrespecting the other. Just, here's how I see you/your work and here's what I think is fair. What are you willing to do? And it's not only worked but each time it's easier so the emotions are a little calmer.

Hi wisedup22 

I like that you feel more able to stay calm and focused. It's not easy to do in situations where the wants of each person in the discussion are quite strong.

It seems you're quite competitive when it comes to vendors. That's coming across in your describing the relationship with them in the para above. I understand this in the way that in business sometimes, vendors and customers are quite competitive with each other. Will you share more of what that's like? Is your relationship with vendors like this by choice and is for only for specific individuals, that sort of thing?  :)

Hi Gotbushels! My computer's been somewhere else for a couple days so just found your message. In my work I hire individuals and companies for video and event productions, sometimes printing e.g. annual reports. And I'm demanding that the quality is excellent. It's not so much that I compete with them, it's more like I oversee the process carefully and troubleshoot as needed to make sure products or services are delivered on time and the quality meets or surpasses expectations, e.g. a video that persuades, a glitch-free event that is fun for the guests and makes the client look good.

I see. That seems like interesting work.  :)

It makes sense that you demand an excellent quality and a surpassing of expectations. I can see how that can involve applying pressure to people do certain things. That pressure appeared as competition to me.

I appreciate your sharing this part of your work here.
I do think that when we are enforcing boundaries with people (both work and intimate), emotions seem to be stronger. Perhaps it's because the boundaries have a value to us, and getting what we want from enforcement of those boundaries becomes something with a positive outcome for us as individuals.

I do find that when I'm flexible with my boundaries at work--and have a corresponding expectation of the likely behaviour of the other person--it causes me to have less stress. That expectation seems to have a curative effect when the situation actually happens, rather than assuming the other person will behave as we want them to. Conversely, enforcement of boundaries also causes me to have less stress. An interesting dynamic.

I also find that having some flexibility built-in helps me remain more calm and focused under stress. At the same time, I do think that starting with a structure helps me to see where I want a particular situation to go. Yesterday I spoke with a stakeholder about an issue and her disposition moved from stressed and anxious to calm and even light-humoured. I think that structure helped there. It's said that structure determines resiliency in relationships (link (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=53779.0)).

Perhaps it's compartmentalising. In addition it may also be a consequence of your making of judgements of what's necessary to allow some of your clients to use resources. I think immediately if you move into consideration of one resource that's scarce, and the choice of more than one person using that resource, then there could be a necessity for pressure to be applied and also a necessity to removing people from the work.