BPDFamily.com

I need a fresh perspective on this as I'm feeling really confused. uBPDh and I had talked about getting a puppy and I had agreed to it on the timeframe of our daughters being older, so in 3-4 years. Well 8 weeks ago my husband found puppies for sale, told the kids we were going out to get our new puppy. He begged me at the time, please, it's perfect, etc etc so I said fine. So fast forward to now. He does not feed the dog, take it to the vet, play with him. Nothing. I did all the night time wake ups to take the puppy outside, all the housetraing stuff. The puppy costed 1000 dollars. And now he says he never really bonded with the puppy. He is not sure why but if I had not interfered with his bonding( he did not explain and I did not ask). He suggested maybe if he had been named Sam instead of Jack. And he is considering giving the dog away because he is "sick of babysitting him."
What is going on here? I'm so confused. I'm made at myself for ever stepping in and helping out but at the same time I don't think it's right to have a dog and not take care of it. And to top it off uBPDh bought 5 rabbits yesterday. Anyone?

Hi Lakebreeze,

It's possible that he got the puppy for validation I bet that it made his daughters happy and in his eyes it would make him feel / look like an awesome dad ( validation )

I am an animal and rescue advocate. If your DH isn't going to help with young  animal care and training, and you fear for future care, please ask him to re-home the pet(s). There are numerous rescue and re-home orgs to work with.

Hi Lakebreeze, I was framing a nice post in my head right up until the rabbit part.  You threw me off my game with that punch line!

It seems unlikely your husband will help with the dog.  Training them is a lot of work, but it's worth it if you want a dog.  Do you want a dog?  Can you see yourself leading the training, doing most of the work, and ending up with a dog that you and the kids enjoy?  Did you have any dogs growing up?  It's not just potty training.  It's sit, stay, don't jump up, don't steal food, don't bark, behave on walks, and then finding a place for it while you're on vacation, etc.  Do you work?  If you're at home that makes it easier, but if you both work, you're looking at doggy day care, coming home for lunch to walk it, or something like that.

If you can make an affirmative choice to have a dog, and you're going to be glad you have one, then congratulations, *you* have a dog.  (I'm not being sarcastic, I've got a dog and love having one, but your mileage may vary :)

If you don't want a dog, it wouldn't be a good experience for your family or the dog, and/or you can't sign up to doing the work without being bitter, then find a new home for the dog.  If you bought it from a breeder, the breeder will absolutely help.  If not, a rescue organization can help.  If you decide the right thing to do is re-home the dog, then you are essentially setting a boundary on your husband's impulsive behavior.  Hard, but potentially necessary.

I hope this reply comes across as balanced and supporting you whether you decide to keep or re-home the dog.  You will know what is best for your family and the dog.  Either way, be proactive about the decision and make peace with it.

Regarding the rabbits... .You have 5 rabbits now.  But rabbits multiply like... .rabbits.  You could get them neutered/spayed, but that can get pricey.  Do you have a hutch?  Are you ready to add rabbit care to your list of chores?  If you re-home the rabbits are your kids going to care in six months?  That might be a good opportunity to set a boundary on impulsive behavior with living things.  Unless you've always wanted to have five rabbits?  Funny, you didn't mention that that was a dream of yours... .

Thanks friends for the helpful comments.
Yes, definitely he did it for the warm fuzzy validation of getting a new puppy. And, I will definitely re-home anything that is not being taking care off.
Thanks for spelling out what was swirling in my head. I couldn't articulate it. I need to make my free will decision if i want this dog... .so that if I keep him it's because I want him, instead of being bitter and angry about it. I was almost at that point and then the dog got diarrhea and I was standing out in the yard at 3am having trouble being rational about it.
I don't know about the bunnies yet.

A lot of first time buyers get puppies and then lose interest when the dog becomes a significant chore - a puppy is a significant chore.  

I'm a long term and dedicated dog owner... .I understand the commitment having had 4 dogs for their entire loving lives. Newbies often don't get it.

I guess it's time to decide... .try to rally the family around a puppy and send the rabbits back or vice versa.

(https://cdn.scratch.mit.edu/static/site/users/avatars/449/4916.png)

Methinks Skip is casting his vote via avatar for the canine candidate

Ah, yes, puppy diarrhea.  Oh, the memories   This too will pass (and you will have to trust me that a pun was not intended there   Puppy tummies are very sensitive, and things like new food or stress can kick off diarrhea.  That irritation can beget more diarrhea.  If it doesn't go away within a day or two, switch to a chicken and rice diet, which is very easy on their GI tracts.  You can boil chicken breasts, cook the rice, and store it in the fridge.  I don't remember the proportions, but you can probably find it on the Internet.  I'm not trying to sell the puppy, but I have boiled a bunch of rice and chicken, and thought I'd pass it along.

Perhaps open a French restaurant?   :)

This is why we have cats  :)  I like dogs just fine, but when we've house/dog sat, guess who did all the puppy care?  From running to let the dog out on my lunch break, to all night potty breaks, to walks and crating - all me.  At least with the cats I can clean their box on a simpler schedule, and put out an automatic feeder and waterer.  It's not that H doesn't love the cats - he's just terrible at taking sole care of them.  He likes the instant validation they sometimes give, but sitting on him, begging for food from him. 

pwBPD often lose sight of long-term responsibility and engage in feel-good-now impulse actions.  And trying to talk them out of these actions is invalidating, so we have to be able to exercise some good verbal gymnastics to deal with issues like this, either to staave it off before it happens, or to remedy the situation without a rage after.

You might be able to take his "I never bonded with the puppy and am tired of babysitting it" and make it a good argument for re-homing. 

I love the French restaurant idea

The problem now is that I have really started to bond with this puppy

Make sure it's called "Sam's", not "Jack's", or you'll be doing all the cooking and waiting all the tables.

Not a problem  *) 

What kind of puppy is it?

I have not laughed this hard in such a long time :) . Are we related or something?
Skip, he is a Golden Retriever. Dark red. Really cute. I think I am deciding to keep him.
The rabbits are another story. Yesterday day uBPDh bought some ducks and today he came home with geese. He told me he is preparing for an apocaliptic situation. So he does not view the rabbits and ducks and geese as "pets." He is preparing for the end of the world but will not save for his own retirement. Hmmmm. That's a whole nother thread. Thanks friends

Your menu has just expanded:

Lapin au foie gras.

I have had two. You will love this dog.

(https://i.imgflip.com/1xjec4.jpg) (https://imgflip.com/i/1xjec4) (https://imgflip.com/memegenerator)

Drop the "He" and you have a "Got geese?" advertisement!

I'm sorry, Lakebreeze, are you able to laugh at this at some level?  If not we can clean up our act.  :)

Point taken.  Lakebreeze, I apologise if it seemed I was making light of your situation, which must be very stressful.

No apology needed! Laughing is ALL I have been doing.  And I love the goose advertisement by the way (I just hadn't logged in to see it). My mom came over and was like "what is that?' and I could not stop laughing... .

Mousemat... .I took you French restaurant idea and told my sister (when she was loosing her marbles when she saw all the critters in my yard) that I was going to develop a French line of dog food. 

(https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQb9D8v_9d5e1-pnok895oATM76yuxgGXuPeCQNW4YKP49eVKhXWw)

mousemat, you have a gift!

Mousemat,
 Hilarious!

Hey Lakebreeze, puppy update?  Actually, should we ask for a Noah's arc style census?  Are they lining up two by two yet?

:)

Ahhh,
It's so sweet of you to check in! Jack (the puppy) is doing great. The kids take turns feeding him, I got him to stop jumping on them, he is leaning hi sit, down, and stay. He follows commands from my two year old! Awsome dog. Thanks to those of you who encouraged me to keep him. I think of him as my dog, so when my Husband helps out it's nice and he gets a treat and a pat on the head too.
The Noah's ark update(LOL! I cannot keep a straight face) now include 2 pigs. Here is the really good news though. My husband has taken care of his rabbits, geese, ducks and pigs religiously. I have not done anything for them and  Everytime I secretly peek in to see if they are ok, they are fed, watered, clean. It's given H a lot of  purpose and a sense of satisfaction. But then why was the dog such a problem. I'll never know I guess.

Lakebreeze, thanks for the update!  Glad to hear things are going well.  I think training husbands and puppies is really quite similar.  We are both rather simple creatures.  Give us a treat and rub our belly and all is good!  Just don't ask my wife -- she is not buying this theory!