BPDFamily.com

18 months ago I married a widowed man with an BPD daughter (19 years old at the time).  She tried to commit suicide in junior high, went to a year of treatment in another state and has been on/off drugs and trouble her entire teenage life.

When I married my husband she was pregnant, at home and giving her child up for adoption.  During pregnancy she was drug free and out of trouble and very pleasant.  After delivery I saw a completely different person.  She went into prostitution, associated with gangs and was into drugs. I have a young daughter and told my husband that I would not live with him if she was allowed to come in the home or have any contact with me or my daughter.  He agreed but it put a huge strain on our marriage.

During this time she hit rock bottom and went to a treatment facility for a month.  After she came out he thought she was better and got her an apartment.  However, she refused to get a job and started prostituting again.  After about 3 months she left the apartment and moved to another town.  She seemed to get her life together in this small town and got her first job which was a waitress.  Since she was working and clean, I allowed her back into my life on a limited basis.

My husband thought she was on the right track so he got her an apartment in this town and moved her stuff.  After about three months she called us with news she was pregnant again (with a different baby daddy).  This baby daddy refused to place the child for adoption so they were talking marriage.  They lived together and then she told us he is emotionally abusive and hit a hole into her wall in anger.  She said he was an abused child and his family has alcohol problems. 

She said she wants to give this baby up for adoption but can't because the father wants the child.  So now she is back living with us, having a baby and keeping it.  The baby daddy lives several hours away.  We've agreed to support her for 18 months while she goes to school and gets used to having an infant.

Yesterday, however, I learned from her sister that this pregnancy was on purpose.  She and baby daddy deliberately got pregnant and were planning to get married.  She has told us it was an accident and that she was on the pill.    However, I can see her doing this and using the baby to get support from her father.

Her father / my husband is a wealthy man.  He has always bailed her out when she comes home asking for a second chance.  He says he is not going to raise her child but based on his past emotional and financial support, I think he will in some way. I think she has the mental maturity of a 16/17 year old so I cannot see how she can care for a baby alone and this is his grandchild.

I am torn because this is an innocent child. But I am really struggling with a future life of this constant drama.  I care and get sucked in too much then I feel depleted.  It is also really hard on my marriage because my husband (who love tremendously) gets frustrated when I try to set boundaries.  At first he agrees then he resents me later.  I need to learn how I am going to be in this family without losing the joy in my life and so far my joy level is way down after saying I do. 

Hello stepmom123!

This is a difficult and painful situation to be in, I can understand how you feel... .When you got married, I am sure you did not foresee what was going to happen down the road, and now you find yourself attached to a family member who you'd never even choose to be around, and want to protect your own child from... .

And yet, she is your husband's daughter - a most precious relationship. You love him, he loves her, and I am sure sometimes the push-pull struggle may even seem like there are three people in your marriage.

But I think you are on a very good path already - you realize what's going on and understand that you need to create some stability and structure for yourself and your own daughter.

When I married my husband, I never imagined the chaos and pain we would go through because of his adult daughter, and it has not been easy. But with lots of love and hard work, we have gotten through it all together, and today I would do it again (maybe a bit differently here and there with the wisdom and knowledge we gained through this process) :thought:

It isn't an easy path to take and it will require a strong commitment and work from both of you, but I want to encourage you: if your relationship with your husband is worth it to you, it can be done.

Boundaries are important, and there will be some basics that are non-negotiable for keeping your own daughter's physical and emotional safety, and also for keeping your new family's stability. Then, there will probably be many many other boundaries that will always be a "work in progress" so to speak, and on those, you will need to learn to listen to each other, support each other and forgive each other when the heart-strings pull you in opposite directions... .

I have a couple of questions: How old is your own daughter? Also, is your husband aware of BPD and/or willing to learn new skills and change his approach?

Thanks so much for your thoughtful response pessim-optimist.

My daughter is 13 years old.  When my stepdaughter was involved in criminal activity there was a zero contact boundary.  Now stepdaughter is not involved in criminal activity and back in our lives.  My daughter has not been impacted except by how I'm distracted with these issues rather than being more focused on her.

Even when stepdaughter is being 'good' her presence takes all the energy from the family.  After I've been around her I have a lingering presence of her problems in my head. 

When my husband and I are having major disagreements and conflict over boundaries, he suggests we go to martial counseling.  But it is directed at working out problems with me versus his daughter.  He has lived in this world of chaos for 7+ years and I think it has become his normal.  His second daughter (now 18) also went to a year of counseling out of state during her early high school years due to emotional issues.  She was cutting, doing drugs and hiding her emotions.  I don't know her diagnosis but she does the silent treatment when she has been injured and she is injured very easily.  So there's the BPD oldest daughter and the delicate second daughter. 

I think I need to find a therapist:)