BPDFamily.com

Hi, I've been browsing this message board for a few days now - I've been in a relationship with someone who displays BPD traits for about 8 years now. I've read so many resources online in the past few years, but I'm glad to have come across this site. In the past few days, I've found so much helpful information. I really feel ready to take this on and help my partner get better. We both deserve it.

Hello fork_and_spoon, welcome!  We're glad you're here!

Can you tell us a little more about your relationship?  What are some issues that you are currently facing?  What have been the most helpful things that you've read?

Wentworth

Hi fork & spoon,

*welcome* I love your username. Cute. This site is so helpful and you'll find lots of support and help here. Is your pwBPD diagnoses or undiagnosed? What would you say is the one of the biggest things you hope to learn from this site?

He is un-diagnosed, but everything on this forum rings so true. I really need to learn how to talk to him, how to help him learn to deal with his emotions, and how to ease him out of his scary places - leaving him to go to work is a struggle, I don't see my friends and family much because I'm scared of what he'll do to himself when I leave.

Something in his brain tells him that I don't love him or care about him or want to help him, but the opposite is true. It just breaks my heart to think that he believes that - he doesn't have many other people in his life. There have been so many times where he says, "I'm going to kill myself, I've warned you and begged for you to help, but you've done nothing," when the truth is, I feel like I've done everything I'm capable of doing - I know he's just begging for help in the only way he knows how. He needs to take the steps towards getting well, but he doesn't know how. And I feel like I could help him if I had the right tools... .which I can maybe find here, with all the help and support from these fantastic people. 

That's a scary place for you. And a huge burden to carry worrying about whether you going to visit friends is what will cause him to self harm.  Has he ever physically harmed himself in the past?

Recently my H has started this thing he does before I go to work too. He will act like I am abandoning him for work. Other times he tells me that our dog got really sad when I left (I think he was projecting onto the dog). I noticed this a couple weeks ago when I absent mindedly snapped at him that I leave at this time everyday. So I've started trying to help him plan for my leaving.

About 10 minutes before it's time for me to leave, I remind him that I have to go in 10 minutes. Sometimes I'll say something like I enjoyed our morning together. Other times I'll tell him I can't wait to see him when I get home. If I'm rushing out the door, I'll say something about being frustrated I couldn't talk with him longer. These statements let him know that he is still important to me. And it seems to be going well. Our mornings used to be terrible but they have been very pleasant lately. (I'm going to text him to share that with him right now.) You might also try to  validate  (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating) his feelings. Maybe when he is calm, or during the afternoon, ask him what it feels like when you leave the house and how you can help him with that transition time.

I personally do not have a lot of experience with suicidal ideation. My H has talked about it a couple of times and my response has been to ask him if he is seriously considering hurting himself and if he has a plan. So far to date he has said no.

If he were to say yes, then I would tell him that I am worried about him and that it would be devastating if he hurt himself. Then I would say that it's important for him to get help and then proceed to call the police or ambulance. If I feel like he is using it as a manipulation I have just said, "If you are thinking of hurting yourself then I am going to call the ambulance to take you to the hospital." That statement put an end to that behavior. This may not be the best approach. Someone with more experience in this area may be able to help you better.

Remember though, the tools we have here aren't to change his behavior, but instead to change our behavior and our response to our pwBPD. In return, our pwBPD MAY change their response to us. I'd also like to encourage you to continue posting and helping others when things are going well for you. Whatever you are doing that seems to be working during those times of positive interaction could teach someone else a new approach.

Thanks for your words, Tattered Heart. We have good weeks and bad weeks, and then there are the weeks that are nearly intolerably difficult - we are in the throes of one of the latter now. Learning lots of skills here though. All I can do is keep learning 

fork_and_spoon, your compassion and care for your boyfriend really shoes in your post.  That empathy is one of the basic requirements for making some progress in coping with BPD, so you are off to a great start.

Since you've got empathy down, let me underscore Tattered Heart's point that we are working on learning new behaviors we can do that help things go better in our relationship.  That's important, since we can control what we do.  If it works, we do it again, and if it doesn't, we adjust.  If we try to drive someone else's behavior, we're setting ourselves up for frustration.

I loved Tattered Heart's example, because you can see her care and how she's adjusting her behavior to help her H, but also unspoken are her boundaries.  She's headed out the door when she says she is, and is not going to be late for work.  If it doesn't go well, she may feel bad for him, but will know she did what she could.  She is not taking responsibility for his feelings at the expense of herself or her other responsibilities.

Does this make sense?  Does it sound like something you can try in your relationship?

I just saw your post that this week is a tough one.  What aspects of it would you like to be better able to cope with?

Wentworth