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BPD wife's favorite stress release is playing slot machines. Its very expensive both emotionally and financially for us. I personally do not enjoy it. I reached a point where I try to discuss with her a limit on the time spent gambling or a dollar amount limit. She immediately becomes defensive and this triggers the splitting where I am ruining her life etc. we are now in a huge conflict about this which originated when her mother became ill last week. My wife is the sibling that coordinates her moms care etc. with work and that she told me she was stressed and need to go to a casino. I am trying to reduce her stress by taking care of the house and our finances etc shecan focus on her mom. When I suggested we needed to talk about a limit on the gambling, the rage triggered with cutting etc. I am just trying to manage our household but as we know... .logic does not apply, don't even try. Any suggestions?

HI badknees,

I'm sorry that you are struggling so much with trying to keep everything in order. I can imagine how difficult it must be to want to stop her from doing something and not being able to. It sounds like she has a gambling addiction. Sadly, we cannot control another person's behavior. At the same time though you do need to take care of your own finances at the house.

I have some thoughts on the subject. It's important that you begin the conversation by not attacking her but by validating her. We have a communication skill called DEARMAN  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566.0). To start this conversation you might try to address what she gets from gambling... .maybe something like:

 "I know you enjoy gambling quite a bit and that it helps you relieve stress. I think it's important that you have things you enjoy and ways to relax. It's also important that we have money to pay bills and handle emergencies that come up. Can we talk about setting a budget on how much to spend on things like slot machines and other entertainment? What do you think is a fair amount?" And then go from there.

Notice how this conversation doesn't attack her. It's unemotional and factual. It also validates her enjoyment of gambling. The questions at the end allow her to have a say in the limit.

Something my H and I do with our finances is that we each get a set amount to spend every pay period. Kind of like an "allowance". This is our money that we can spend however we want without having to give account to each other with this money. I spend my money on buying my lunch at work and clothes. He spends his on buying weed. Would that be something the two of you could work out?

If your attempt at setting limits on her gambling don't work, what do you think the next step should be?

Hi badknees1,

*welcome*

I suggest to listen to Tattered Heart’s advice. What do you do when she rages? This has to be stressful for you too, what do you do for enjoyment to de-stress ?

This may be a useful resource for you GAM-ANON (https://www.gam-anon.org/). Generally going head to head over an addiction proves fruitless as it is seen as threatening something they see as an essential coping tool.

Badknees1, I am sorry your wife is facing these issues with her mother.  Your wife is hurting in the knowledge that her mother is very ill.

As you are aware, the gambling is a stress release but also a compulsive behaviour.  It's my understanding that pwBPD can have compulsive behaviours or addictions:  sex, gambling, spending, drugs or alcohol, etc.  These compulsions and addictions are coping mechanisms in dealing with issues the pwBPD may not want to face or be in denial.

It is their way of self-soothing, but in a destructive way.

I agree that you are walking a fine line here with finances.  I also agree you might try to approach your wife with a gentle, caring approach.  She might not like your criticism of her gambling budget and see it as a personal attack.  I understand pwBPD can have very sensitive egos.