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Title: Probably past saving. Post by: LivingArtist on October 10, 2017, 11:16:12 AM Hi all - new member here. My relationship with my partner has been struggling for sometime. No official diagnosis of BPD at this point, however, I am blown away by how much everything on this site is resonating. I have allowed this person to control, manipulate, and verbally abuse me. Recently my significant other went into my phone and read a text conversation where I vented to a friend about our relationship. Something I rarely do. Now she is posting her feelings about it all over social media, including ending our relationship on social media. It is frightening. Also ranting to anyone and everyone in our world, striking out at family members and attempting to paint a negative and inaccurate picture of me. We have two small kids and their welfare is my main concern. Right now I am also focusing on defusing the situation as much as possible. Sound familiar to anyone?
Title: Re: Probably past saving. Post by: Tattered Heart on October 10, 2017, 01:33:57 PM Hi LivingArtist,
Welcome *welcome* I"m so sorry to hear about what you're going through. I went through a very similar episode with my pwBPD recently. You can read more about it here: I Sent a Text About My H to My H (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=315679.0). pwBPD have a very strong fear of rejection and being abandoned. Just having to face their own inadequacies causes them intense shame. And when they feel those things they lash out. By you sharing information with a friend, she feels betrayed. Probably a little embarassed. So the best thing to do to help her is to begin validating what she is feeling. Her response might be wrong, but her feelings are real to her. Just acknowledging her feelings can make a huge difference in letting her know that you are listening. We have quite a few tools on the right side of the page that can help you, but I'm going to share a copule links that might help you with your particular situation: Stop Invalidating Others (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating) Don't JADE (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0) How have you reacted to your partner's anger, use of social media, and threats to leave? Title: Re: Probably past saving. Post by: believer55 on October 10, 2017, 09:45:31 PM Hi LA - I remember joining and also being blown away by how similar some stories were to mine. Just a reminder that this condition does have a set pattern and symptoms so we will always understand what you are going through.
The phone thing... .earlier this year I was snooping in my hwBPD's phone as he was continually lying to me. This is no excuse... .I felt bad doing it and I fessed up to him. We now have no locks on our phones and although what he was doing on his was hurtful and deceitful... .he gets angry if he knows I have talked to a friend about struggles I am having with him. I can delete the messages if I want and he will never know they were there but I choose to let him see some of them as I feel if he wants to look at my phone he will have to see how his BPD actions affect me. I am not being disloyal - I am seeking support and I have no reason to be ashamed of this. How your SO behaves after reading your message is totally her responsibility. I guess we can take into consideration people living with BPD will experience extreme emotions... .so when we would feel annoyed ... .they feel absolutely gutted. It will take a long time before she will be able to step back from this and understand that not everyone has this extreme reaction and that her actions may be inappropriate. I am sorry she has gone to such extremes - does she have much understanding of her condition? The fallout can be so bad that we always feel we are mopping up a mess someone else has created to to try to ensure calm waters for a while. Thinking of you. :) |