BPDFamily.com

Back story: together 5yrs, married 5 months. She cheated, assaulted me, attempted suicide (because her boyfriend at the time broke up with her). I got full custody of our son, I moved us across country. She rarely called him at first (once went 2 months without a single call). She's calling a lot more recently and out of the blue, and without further ado... the BPD apology:


My neighbor is a retired PHD psychologist. I showed it to him and he said "her apology seems genuine!". I see it differently. I see it as her trying again to make herself out to be the victim. What do you guys think?

Fyi, this was 5 days ago and I still haven't responded

My story wasn't as dramatic, but after two years I started getting the late night text apologies.  Like,  "I hope you can forgive me for my wrong doings... ." I wish I could change what happened,  etc... .culminating with she asking to come back this past Memorial Day while still married to the guy she left me for 

pwBPD are impulsive,  and have trouble controlling their feelings... .blown by the wind, I'd say.  Based upon my experience,  I'd kind of agree with your neighbor.  However,  she felt what she did then; she feels what she does now,  as did my ex, who chose to work it out with her H not a week after I said she couldn't come back. 

Manipulative? Maybe on the surface,  but more likely survival, as Lawson observed in Understanding The Borderline Mother regarding pwBPD and lying "lying feels like survival."

So I think the apology of the mother of my kids was genuine.  I granted her forgiveness,  several times so much that while it was initially validating,  it became annoying. 

I think this is best processed in thinking "what's best for us?"

It's ok to validate her feelings... .then release her with grace.  Then release ourselves with grace, free from the probable obligations we may have felt while in the r/s.

I don't think it really matters if she is playing the victim or being genuine. I think what matters most is that you don't reply or let her know your new whereabouts.

Whether she is being sincere or not is hard to decipher from a nonverbal message, but I place my bets on that she is trying to manipulate you. She clearly focuses the message on her son, but she is addressing you. Weird. She probably still holds great resentment for you and would not make it easy for you if she visits.

I suspect she wants to get custody of your son and she might do that by blaming you of abuse. This is usually the tactic BPD exes use to get custody. If you don't let her get close enough to your new life it will be hard for her to blame you for anything/sound the least bit convincing. 

Best of luck,
~CottonClouds

I agree it doesn't matter.

I never got apologies until after the divorce. I saw it as gearing up for a recycle or just a path to more manipulation with her trying to get what she wants from me.

Don't open that door. You know where it leads. Follow your heart. You see it as her playing games and I would bet you are correct.

Wow, lots of assumptions being made there, CC!

I tend to agree with Turkish and your neighbor. The simplest explanation is that she experienced a burst of shame and remorse and wrote the apology. She may have also wanted a bit of validation for writing it -- some reassurance from you that she is forgiven or not that bad.

That was her feeling at the time. It sounds like she has a lot of emotional instability, which means her feelings could be different now, or different next week, or ... .you get the idea.

Are you going to respond? You mentioned you have full custody, but does she have any contact or visitation rights that she may be hinting she wants to exercise?

*mod*

Just a reminder... .this is an advanced board.  It's understandable that many of us go through a bitter stage, but we ask members to keep emotional thinking on the Crises board.

Thanks for all of your replies.

I can't and won't respond right now. 1 message is not convincing enough to move me to that. Now if she showed weeks/months of remorse I may say something. We are a ways away from that.

Honestly my initial thought when I got that text was "huh, looks like she got dumped again". It's been 5 days and zero follow up. Looks like that thought has passed and who knows how she "feels" now.

She knows my location. Tried to move out here a couple months ago and I didn't let her. My full custody is through a restraining order right now. She's only allowed supervised visitation. On Tuesday my lawyer filed a motion, here in AZ, to amend family court custody (50/50) which will be in effect when my restraining order expires next March.

I wouldn't be too cynical. Parking for a moment ALLLLL the many negative and awful things we know about our exes and the way BPD makes them behave, we have to remember that not EVERY single thing they do is bad/negative/a lie... .etc. Sometimes they are actually telling the truth based on how they feel in that moment. My ex (who I think may have finally discarded me, but who knows... .it's our 4th cycle of ghosting from him) locked me in a toilet last year after 5 months of ghosting, and essentially shouldered all the blame for everything that had happened. He told me that the problem was in his brain, nothing I had done, that there is a darkness in his brain that had taken over... .I remember it word for word and have recounted it on these pages before.  On other occasions, during bursts of lucidity and self awareness, he has told me I should 'forget and hate' him, that he doesn't deserve me, that I'm a wonderful person and he isn't my happiness.

The point I am making is that if we take on board so many of the nasty, horrible things that they have said to us, or at least accept that this is how they felt in that moment, then why not for the more positive or self deprecating? She may not be trying to manipulate you, she may actually have really felt those things when she wrote them. My ex is by no means stupid, he is, by his words, suffering from a darkness in his brain, as are all of yours. Sometimes, little chinks of self awareness do get through - the ones they are so often trying to push away with drink/drugs/promiscuity... take your pick.

Maybe they can have a kind of lucid moment where they actually feel remorse, but then and forever thereafter they will, at least my BPDw did, deny ever having made the apology.
Words are cheap. Protect your child.

Exactly... .you have it figured out. Good for you.

You are changing custody to 50/50, from 100% yours? May I ask why; just curious.

I agree with what others have said.  There were moments when my ex-friend would clearly be remorseful and would openly admit the wrongs she'd done.  She once told me that she knows that she put me through "evil times."  And while it's certainly nice that she felt that way at that moment, it doesn't mean that she felt that way five minutes later.  In fact, the day after her "evil times" admission, she was defensive and cold towards me. 

Ultimately, while the apology might be sincere and genuine, it doesn't mean that it's long-lasting or that she won't go and do the same things all over again. 

I agree with Turk, Stripey, and Summerstorm here.
The BPDs truly mean what they say and do at that particular point in time.  I have done the "catch and release" as Turk calls it.  It actually feels good and goes well to validate the BPDs feelings without commitment.  I don't have to get trapped in the FOG or feel guilty for her bad feelings or even go back and forth in circular arguments.  I simply acknowledge her feelings and then move on with my life, my plan, whatever I was doing, etc.  I don't think too deeply about what they feel or say at the moment because I know that that will change soon.  It's just a way that I stay sane.