BPDFamily.com

Hello friends! I sought out this website after the book "Stop Walking On Eggshells" was given to me by my counselor. You see, my mother, has issues. Signs of BPD, a diagnosis of bi-polar disorder, a serious alcohol addiction. I know all of this, but for some reason it's still hard for me to justify the things I do to help her. Or the things I do to try and keep myself sane. I am the oldest of 3 daughters. My mother and my dad have been divorced (after a turbulent 20 year long marriage) for 6 years. That seems to be about the length of time that I've noticed a real glaring issue with my moms behavior and alcohol abuse. So Saturday morning I get a call from my mother (hysterical) begging me to "please, God, call her back". When I do so she tells me that she "is going away to get help". I tell her I think that's a good idea, and ask her where shes going and who will be taking her. She says that she will probably call 911 to have them take her because no one else will. So I offer to go to the magistrate myself, I assumed they would know more about the places that might help with things like that than I did. They advised me to go to her house myself and try to convince her to go on her own. When I showed up, my mother was wearing nothing but her house coat (which is fairly normal, she almost never gets dressed) setting cross legged on her bed. Eyes swollen, and a half drunk half-gallon jug of vodka poorly hidden under the comforter. I took my dad for back up this time. Although they aren't together he seems to be able to convince her of things still. After a very long day we finally get her in the truck to go to the hospital. While I am inside getting a wheel chair, since she is unable to stumble herself in, she set on the curb outside the door with my boyfriend and proceeds to shove an electronic cigarette into her... .whooha... .And then sticks her hand down her pants once more and goes about adjusting it in the waiting room. I have never been more embarrassed in my life. But the fun doesn't stop there. Once back in the ER (after the nurses of course find the e-cig while inserting a cath. for a urine sample) she decides she's not staying. Here I am, watching my almost 50 year old mother run through the hospital halls stark naked! Security had to come escort her back to her bed. They send her to rehab (her 4th one this year) and 3 days later she's coming home. At this point I can't take it anymore. I set in the parking lot of that hospital for 2 hours puking, with an intense migraine. I am physically and emotionally drained. But for some reason when I go to tell her all of this, it is so hard for me. Growing up my mom always preached "loyalty". To her that means anytime she asks for help or needs something you are to jump to it. If you disagree with her or tell her no she will belittle you and throw up anything she's ever done for me in my face. I am constantly on edge, wondering when the next crazy incident will take place. I feel like I want to cut her out of my life. But if she dies from suicide or combining the wrong prescribed meds with alcohol I think I'd have a really hard time not putting partial blame on myself.

That's a brutal story, and was cringing when you told the embarrassing parts 

So she's out.  Again.  She doesn't seem old enough for an Adult Protective Services caseworker  (you might want to check on that), but what other support was offered once she was out of immediate crisis? Could you talk to anyone,  or do privacy laws preclude that?

It is understandable you would feel partly to blame, but you also point out A BPD brings us up to feel that way. But it isn't fair blame, nothing in what you write suggest you have been anything but supportive. Having lived with drug addicts, not much you can do when those drugs grip hold but try and get them towards the authorities. Sounds like you are doing the right thing for your Mom, but are you being good to yourself ?

My BPD/NPD were a constant embarrassment, my BPD Mom used embarrassment to manipulate. On more than one occasion she would take some second hand rubbish to a shop she didn’t buy it from and threatened to scare off all the shoppers unless she got a new replacement. She got free shoes and also a free radio that way. A bit like a young kid might have a tantrum in the supermarket. But it isn’t our fault. It isn’t your fault.  

Well done on getting your Mom to hospital. Turk’s Adult Protective Services sounds like an idea or if any charities have support or help lines, buddy system for alcoholics ? I get the “Help I’m desperate” messages. So I tend to call when that happens, about every 2 weeks. It pacifies her and protects me (I avoid visiting). Wishing you all the best. Be good to yourself.  

I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. I'm new here too (sister with undiagnosed BPD) so I don't have any wisdom for you, but I do have a lot of empathy and solidarity for you in your challenging relationship.

My sister often threatens or hints about suicide when I try to set boundaries, and I completely understand what you mean about knowing that you'll feel at least partially responsible if you mom does complete suicide. We can know that we aren't responsible in theory, but in reality it's much less clear. I've realized that I do a lot for my sister to protect my own self from the anxiety and fear of what she'll do to herself if I don't cater to her. It's so unhealthy, and we deserve better. I hope you find some help here, I've found it very enlightening after only two days.

That is so awful! You know, you are not responsible for your adult mother and the choices she makes. I think the comparison to drug addiction here is a good one - imagine that she's an addict and what she is hooked on is your attention and your capacity to draw her ex husband back into the mix whenever she decides she needs a hit. It's perfectly fine to engage in some self care and decide that right now, you can't be your best without taking some time and space to take care of yourself. Let some other members of you family step up to the plate or consider the fact that her being your mother doesn't give her license to treat you badly no matter how bad her day is going. Have you thought about why you went to her vs. her calling 911? Have you considered stepping back and letting her do it? It sounds like you're really enmeshed right now and solidly parenting her - is this where you want to be?

My mom was a bit like this, although not nearly as intense. She didn't drink or do drugs, but she would call with various crises and expect to be taken care of. For me, it was incredibly freeing to realize that I didn't cause her problems and couldn't fix them (didn't cause it, can't cure it). It was like having a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I learned to respond with compassion, but also detachment.

So, you have to do what's right for you, but you might want to think about how it would feel if you didn't take on her crises. Would you feel more free?

Oh my G-D! I could've almost written the exact same post about my mother. I mean it is really scary how similar our moms are.  I've received more of those "For the love of GOD please call me back!" messages from my mother than I can count around her relapses with alcohol.

I'm really sorry you had to have that embarrassing incident with your mom in the hospital. No child should ever have to see their mom like that, but we have, and it makes us a nervous wreck. And when I have had my version of those with my mom in the hospital, the nurses give me a  look that says "hey don't worry, we've seen it all" but still I have this sense of shame for my mom because I know that if she were in her "right mind" she wouldn't want to be seen like that.

The only difference is that my mom is 25 years older than your mom. And she has gotten progressively worse over the last few years. I am now 49 years old and am only just now working hard with a therapist to put boundaries in place. You see, my mom wants to move closer to me into an assisted living facility and I've just told her that's not going to happen.

My mom has made empty suicidal gestures in the past and I'm sure this will bring on a new one. I am seriously considering going No Contact at all with her. Today I took the first step and blocked her from my cell phone. I have no landline so that means she has no way to reach me. Like I said, I know this means that something catastrophic could happen to my mom. Like she will kill herself, like she will end up homeless... .etc. Because I am truly the last person left she has on earth.  And in the past I stayed in her life because that was my bottom line, that I wanted to prevent that from happening.

But I fear the cost of making sure those things don't happen to her is to high when it comes to my emotional well being. Or put another way, I may be at a point where I feel it's better to live with the guilt than to be emotionally annihilated. Guilt can fade, eventually, but I'm not sure I can come back from the kind of emotional wreckage that will come from my continuing to have contact with her.  Guilt is a struggle with myself that I can work on in therapy.

Any way, you are not alone. I hope you have a good therapist/support system. I wish you peace and am sending you good thoughts. Keep posting and take good care of yourself.