BPDFamily.com

This is my first time on the site and I am not really sure what to expect so I guess I will just share my story.  I've been married to my husband for 13 years and been together almost 15 years. We have one young son together.  We had couples counseling last year and our therapist told me that he had BPD.  I didn't register that until recently when I started researching his behavior and it was like a light bulb went off.  All these years I thought that I was doing something wrong to make him so unhappy.  It feels like a burden has been lifted to know that it isn't my fault.

6 years ago he was in a job that he hated (one of several) - according to him "he is undervalued", "no one gets him", "everyone makes fun of him", etc.  So he accepted a job in another state, for less money and wore me down until I agreed to move.  I quit a good job and started over, moving 500 miles away from all my family and friends.  6 years later I don't regret the move and have another good job, great network of supportive friends, my son is happy and in great school.  Once again, the same problems have cropped up with him at work - got passed over for a promotion, no one likes him, everyone treats him awful... .so again he applied for a job out of state and wanted to move.  I couldn't do it this time.  I couldn't give up my life again for a chance. I recognize this is a pattern.  He thinks by moving and getting in a new environment everything will be better.  And it is for a few months but then the same pattern starts up again.  It was a really good job opportunity for him but it didn't pay any more $ and I didn't have the strength to find a new job while helping my son adjust to a new life away from everything he knows and loves. So I refused to move.  And he shut down.  He went into work and sat at his desk not working until HR told him to go home.  He's been home a week and he reached out to another company and got offered a job that makes considerably less money.  I told him he should take it because I was pretty sure that his current employer will find a way to fire him anyway after his attitude as of late. 

So now I am getting accused of hating him because he is making less money and he thinks I am going to leave him.  I am trying to stay patient and set limits and not react when he starts with guilt trips.  I am also trying to shield my son from his guilt trips.  All while I am I freaking out on the inside worrying about paying our bills on our new lower income. But I feel like if I express my fears and anxiety, he will just start beating himself up for "ruining our lives."  Luckily I have a good therapist and some good friends that I can confide in for support, since I don't get emotional support from him.

He is in general a good guy, but it is exhausting to live with him.  He usually works long hours and I only see him a couple hours a day so him being home all the time the last week is stressing me out.  I feel like I don't have a break. I am struggling to find the strength to find my voice and speak up for what I need in the relationship.

Thanks for listening.   

Loboe99 - Welcome. I'm new here too. Here about 2 weeks or so. What helps me mostly is reading others' stories. Makes me feel less alone. 

My wife has undiagnosed BPD, but our 21 year old daughter was diagnosed with severe BPD 3 years ago. It normally runs in families it turns out, so most likely my wife has BPD as well. I have family with diagnosed BPD. Anyway it can be frustrating.

We have 2 children at home; daughter 17 and son 14. I agree that shielding your son is critical. I wasn't able to do this due to my wife's deep seated level of BPD and codependent relationship with our children. Sounds like you may have a handle on that.

Do you feel you have developed, by default, skills to deal with your husband's BPD? There are teachings here to help in that way.



 

Loboe99, welcome!  

You will start to have some answers here in the forums.  

I am so sorry you are having to go through this, but you will get some clarity now you have started to research BPD.

It's is enlightening to see the "lightbulb" go on and you see it's all starting to add up and finally make sense.

The confusion lifts, but it's still frustrating nonetheless.  It's good you see a pattern in his behavior, and a clinical picture starts to emerge.

Read the article here on FOG:  fear, obligation and guilt.

This will be a start.  In a BPD family, all seems to revolve around the pwBPD, so protect your son.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog